Harry Potter And The Cliches Of Doom
by Tabesco Lamnia Lammina Lamna
Summary: WARNING: Contents of this story may be harmful for those suffering low blood pressure, cardic difficulties, pregnancy, sympathy for authors of MarySues and or nut allergies. Contains slash, OCs, OOCness, sexual references and spontaneous dancing.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, Alex Rider, Artemis Fowl, Star Wars, Series Of Unfortunate Events, Archie Comics, Daria, Green Day, American Werewolf In London, Doctor Who, Fairly Odd Parents, Batman, Seth Green, Buffy, Angel, Dorian Grey, Lady Goddiver, The Simpsons, America, Lord Of The Rings, CATS, George Thorogood, Narnia, Miff Warhurst, Joan Of Arc, CSI, Dr Phil, Oliver Twist, Michael Jackson, The Sixth Sense, Passions, My Chemical Romance, The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Shrek, Zoolander, The Hound Of The Baskervilles and/ or any persons, creatures, objects and/or socks – fictional and/or non-fictional – that we have mentioned, referenced, stolen and/or abused. Not approved by Warner Brothers, JK Rowling, or our parents. Special thanks to all the authors of fanfiction, be you Mary-Sue or no, all the artists of fanart, be you humorous or no, The Federal Government, and anyone else we have stolen things from. Thankyou.

* * *

Harry Potter and The Clichés Of Doom

* * *

_Chapter One_

In the smallest bedroom of Number Four Privet Drive, a young boy was slightly puzzled. He paced past his mirror, which reflected his stunning emerald green eyes, his messy black hair and his Rippling Quidditch Toned Muscles ™. The boy was Harry Potter – The Boy-Who-Lived, The Saviour Of The Wizarding World, The Youngest Seeker In A Century and Sixth Year Gryffindor at Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Harry had thought that his only surviving relatives were Muggles, and he had never had an enjoyable experience when around them. But, to Harry's great surprise, his family had actually been **_pretending_** to hate him for all these years! And they were actually wizards and witches as well! Harry scratched his chin. Why had they never told him this? He shrugged, "Eh, can't be too important or relevant."

Meanwhile, downstairs Aunt Petunia was happily dusting the living room with a simple dusting spell. "Oh! It's so much fun to have my wand back again and not have to pretend to hate Harry!"

"I agree, Poppet!" added Vernon, who was busy _accio_-ing snacks from the kitchen.

Petunia straightened a portrait as she dusted the mantelpiece. She sighed. "What a cute couple Lily and Severus made!" she said.

Suddenly, there came a knock on the door. "I'll get it!" exclaimed Dudley excitedly, for he had only been pretending to be fat, ugly, and brutish. With a spring in his step he went to open the door. Standing outside was a tall, dashingly handsome man.

"Hi!" said Dudley, "Are you here to talk to my awesome cousin, Harry?"

"Damn straight!" said the man. "I'm his FATHER!"

Harry ran downstairs. "Did someone say they were my father?"

He stopped dead in his tracks. "Professor Snape!?"

Snape brushed his ebony hair from his face and grinned brilliantly. "Call me Dad."

"You're my father? But we've hated each other for all these years!"

Snape winked and gave Harry the Double Thumbs UpTM. "Just pretending!"

Harry nodded. "Well, that clears everything up nicely."

The sun glinted off Snape's brilliantly white teeth. "Does, doesn't it?"


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter Two_

Severus and Harry walked slowly down Diagon Alley, their process hindered by groups of excitable girls who giggled and stood in inconvenient areas in the hopes of bumping up against Harry and his Rippling Quidditch Toned Muscles ™.

Suddenly Severus spotted someone familiar in the crowd. "Oh! I've spotted someone secretly special to me, Severus Snape, in the seething swarm of shoppers!"

Harry blinked. "Dude. Alliteration overload."

"SEVVYKINS!"

Hermione bounded towards the pair, and leapt into Severus' waiting arms. "Oh, Sevvy! I've missed you so much!"

Harry continued to blink. Hermione had definitely changed over the Summer. Her hair now lay in gentle waves and her skin was a healthy tan. Harry felt himself growing faint. He was quite sure that last year her breasts hadn't been that large.

Meanwhile, Hermione and Severus continued to "greet" each other.

Suddenly Harry thought of something. "HANG ON! Don't you hate each other?!"

Hermione looked up from where she was currently attached to Severus' mouth.

"Mmmfff mff mmmfff mmff!"

Harry thought about this for a few moments and then gave up. "I have no idea what you just said."

A soft hand rested on Harry's shoulder. "She said 'We've been secretly dating for five years, are deeply in love and are engaged to be married next week.'"

Harry spun around. "Who are you, how did you translate that, is it possible for her to say that much in such a small amount of muffled speech, and did Charles really kill Diana?"

The pretty redhead standing next to Harry looked slightly startled. "Don't you recognise me Harry? We've shared a room for the last five years! I'm your best friend!"

Harry squinted. "I may just need a new prescription, but you look like a girl. Which Ron is most definitely not. Trust me."

The girl shook her head so that her masses of shimmering hair rolled like a sunset ocean. Harry began to feel sea sick. "No, it really is me! Hermione just got bored with having no other girls aside from Ginny to talk to."

Harry nodded. "That makes sense."

The Girl-Who-Used-To-Be-A-Boy gave a smile that showed off all her sparkling white teeth. "Call me Ronnie."

Harry shook hands with his transgendered friend and then turned to face his father's new fiancé. "Hermione, are you done kissing my dad yet?"

Hermione's smile glittered as she released her hold on Severus' neck. "Harry, dear, call me Mum."

Harry began to choke at the thought of having his other best friend as his mother.

Ronnie's eyes widened. "Professor Snape's your dad?!"

"Yeah, we went over that last chapter," rasped Harry.

Severus grasped Hermione's hand and grinned. "Come on kids, let's go shopping!"

Ronnie nodded happily as she, Harry, Hermione and Severus set off down Diagon Alley, their hair shimmering in the sunlight.

* * *

As they walked Harry, who was still choking slightly every time he thought of Hermione being his mother, checked off his school supplies list. "Well, I think we're almost done. We just need new trunks to hold all our new books."

"I know just the place!" exclaimed Severus. "To Kirk's Closets!"

Ronnie groaned and held her stomach. "And then can we go get lunch? I'm starving!"

"Some things never change." sighed Hermione as the group squeezed into the small shop.

"Gosh!" said Ronnie. "So many trunks, closets and space saving storage ideas!"

Harry opened a nearby trunk and peered inside. A familiar boy grinned back at him. "Cedric?!" cried Harry. "Aren't you dead?!"

Cedric winked and gave Harry the Double Thumbs UpTM "Just Pretending!"

Harry nodded. "Alright then," he said, as he quickly closed the lid.

Meanwhile, Ronnie was looking into a large closet. "How about you get this to store your books in, Harry? It's very roomy."

Hermione slammed the door shut, very nearly amputating Ronnie's pinkie finger. "Oh no! I got one of these once, and this faun ran off with all my underwear!"

Severus winked. "Not altogether a bad thing!" he added with a grin.

Finally, Harry found the perfect trunk – no upper class men or fauns to be seen! As Harry paid with his Gringott's Gold Card, Severus examined a stack of flyers which lay conveniently on the counter.

"'_**V**oluntary **F**inger **D**etachment - as Seen In Knockturn Alley! 11 Suspisious Alley.'_ Hmmm, I must go there one of these days."


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter Three_

Harry stood alone on Platform 9 ¾. Severus and Hermione had gone ahead, as Hermione was the new Ancient Runes professor and as such, both got the perk of using the Professors' Portkey. Harry shuffled his feet and grumbled.

Suddenly the Weasley family arrived. "Hey Harry," said Ginny, "you look sad. I could fix that for you. I'd give you mates' rates and everything."

"Ginny!" admonished Mrs Weasley. "What have I said about giving discounts?"

Mr Weasley nodded. "Quite right. Charge him in full, honey."

Harry paled. "Um, don't worry about it. I'm fine Ginny."

Ginny pouted. "Get back to me, ok?" And with that she flounced off, hiking up her skirt as she headed towards a group of Slytherin Seventh Years.

Harry shook his head. He kind of regretted saving her life now that people were beginning to get suspicious of him constantly turning down her discounts.

"Come on Harry." said Ronnie. "Let's go get a seat."

"Bye dears!" waved Mrs Weasley.

"Have a good year, Son!" added Mr Weasley. "Uhh, Daughter!"

* * *

After an unusually uneventful train ride and trip to Hogwarts, Harry walked into the Great Hall and was instantly blinded by the light glinting off everybody's shiny hair. Ronnie nodded. "And _that's_ why sunglasses are now a compulsory part of Hogwart's uniform. Luckily I brought spares!"

Harry looked at the pink, sparkly star-shaped glasses. "Oh God."

"What's wrong?" enquired Ronnie from behind her purple heart-shaped sunglasses. "You'll look so cute in pink!"

Harry closed his eyes and weighed up his options. _'It would probably be even harder to beat Voldemort if I was blind…' _he thought to himself. _'The horrid glasses it is!'_

Once they had reached their seats, McGonagall lead in the first year students, and motioned to the Sorting Hat to begin. The old hat opened the thing that functioned as it's mouth, cleared whatever it was that functioned as it's throat, and began to rap.

_"Yo, yo, yo,_

_All you party people in da castle!_

_I'm here to sort ya,_

_Like workers sort da parcels_

_This be my job,_

_And I be hell good,_

_At sorting new punks,_

_Into da hoods_

_Gryffindor if you be brave,_

_And you don't like to use yo brains,_

_Slytherin if you got slaves,_

_And yo be into chains_

_Ravenclaw you gots the smarts,_

_But da kids on the streets would kick yo arse,_

_Hufflepuff you be da fools,_

_But on the disco stage yo got the tools_

_I be the Sorting Hat,_

_And I be rapping it along,_

_I betcha that a bowler,_

_Couldn't do this song_

_Yeah, I be the cream, _

_Of all of yo crops,_

_Ditch those tops and caps,_

_If that's what you gots_

_Yo can't top me,_

_Don't judge on what you see,_

_So step it up,_

_And I'll tell you where you gots to be!_

_Yo!"_

The students applauded as they looked at each other with raised eyebrows. The Sorting Hat was getting stranger every year.

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat as she raised the list of students. "When I call your name, you will put on the Hat and sit on the stool to be Sorted," she said. "Armstrong, Billy!"

A black haired boy swaggered out of the line, put on the Hat and sat down.

"SLYTHERIN!" shouted the Hat. The table second from the right cheered as Billy made his way over to them.

"Arc, Joan!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!" yelled the Hat, and Joan hurried off to her new classmates, her ponytail flying out behind her.

"Baudelaire, Klaus!"

"RAVENCLAW!" cried the Hat.

The table second from the left cheered this time and Klaus happily pushed his glasses up his nose as he went to sit down.

'Butler, Juliet!' went to Slytherin but 'Byrinson, Iorek!' became the first Gryffindor and Harry joined in the hearty applause that welcomed him to the far left table.

"Cooper, Betty!" said McGonagall loudly.

"HUFFLEPUFF!" said the Hat, even louder.

'Doyle, Arthur!' became a Ravenclaw and he hurried over to sit next to Klaus.

'Finn, Huck!' and 'Finn, Neil!' both became Gryffindors and 'Franklin, Aretha!' was the next newly named Hufflepuff.

"Gallia, Adi!"

"SLYTHERIN!" yelled the Hat after a moment's hesitation.

"Grissom, Gill!"

The Hat had barely touched his head when it cried "RAVENCLAW!"

"Howard, John!" said Professor McGonagall and a short boy with glasses and excessive eyebrows hurried up to be Sorted.

"HUFFLEPUFF!" yelled the Hat, and John tripped in his haste to get to the table on the far right, amidst laughter from the older students.

'House, Gregory!' went to Slytherin while 'Hodges, Patience!' and 'Jones, Henry!' both went to Gryffindor. 'Jackson, Daniel!' and 'Keats, John!' became the next two Ravenclaws and 'Kelly, Paul!' became a Hufflepuff.

Beside him, Ronnie groaned. "How much longer?" she whispered, seemingly in agony as 'Lane, Jane!' became a Slytherin.

"Not sure," whispered back Harry. "Seems like there's more this year, doesn't it?" he added as he clapped for 'Mozart, Wolfgang!' becoming a Ravenclaw.

"Moon, Molly!" said McGonagall as Ronnie nodded.

"SLYTHERIN!" cried the Hat.

"McGraw, Phillip!" continued McGonagall.

"RAVENCLAW!" yelled the Hat, as the bookworms in blue applauded.

"O'Neill, Jonathon!" said McGonagall, her list of first years seemingly never-ending.

"GRYFFINDOR!" shouted the Hat.

Harry felt his stomach rumble as 'Patterson, Banjo!' and 'Poirot, Hercule!' went to Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw respectively.

'Quinn, Jonas!' also went to Hufflepuff while 'Rodgers, Kenny!' became a Gryffindor.

The Great Hall sat in silence as the Hat deliberated where to put 'Rinpoche, Sogyal!', finally deciding on Ravenclaw.

'Sanders, Greg!' practically bounded over to Harry's table as he was pronounced a Gryffindor while 'Silver, John!' made a more dignified approach to the Slytherin table. 'Twist, Oliver!' and 'Turner, Timmy!' both followed the lead of Greg Sanders to become Gryffindors. 'Tusspott, Stuart!' became a Hufflepuff and 'Tam, River!' a Ravenclaw as Ronnie's stomach's rumblings overturned the Gryffindor table.

'Windu, Mace!' looked a bit awkward as he waited for his newly assigned house to flip their table back over while 'Warhurst, Miff!' happily sat down at the quite upright Ravenclaw table.

'Young, Neil!' cried McGonagall.

"HUFFLEPUFF!" yelled the Sorting Hat.

Ronnie breathed a sigh of relief as the last first year made his way to his house table. "Finally!" she said. "We can EAT!"

But McGonagall didn't walk back to the staff table. Instead, she pulled out another, much smaller, scroll from her robe pocket as Dumbledore rose to speak.

"Before we begin the feast," said the Headmaster, "we have two more students to sort!"

Ronnie glared murderously at the old wizard. Dumbledore caught the look and cleared his throat.

"Ah, yes, well, just quickly then; we are happy to announce that we have accepted two Sixth year Australian exchange students!"

The entire student body turned to watch McGonagall leading in the two new girls. Filch produced a checklist. "Shimmering hair? Check. Sparkling teeth? Check. Unnatural beauty? Check." he muttered, and then turned to nod at Dumbledore. "They'll fit in here."

The girls displayed their perfect, white teeth as they smiled and waved to the other students.

Dumbledore smiled. "Now students, just keep in mind when dealing with our new friends that they are descended from convicts and they can't help it if they can't read, write or restrain themselves from constantly stealing your possessions."

The smiles of the new girls faded. McGonagall held up her scroll.

"Grey, Rachel!" she exclaimed. The stunningly beautiful girl placed the Sorting Hat on her shimmering black hair with delicate, olive toned fingers.

"SLYTHERIN!" yelled the Hat and Rachel walked calmly over to her green clad classmates.

"Frost, Louise!" announced McGonagall and the second girl skipped over to be Sorted.

"RAVENCLAW!" cried the Hat and Louise bounced over to sit with her fellow bookworms, the light catching the pink extensions in her short, jet black hair.

Dumbledore spread his arms wide and gave a Level Two eye twinkle.

"Dig In!"

"YES!" cried Ronnie as the tables filled with the huge mounds of delicious food which made the Hogwart's feasts famous. "I haven't eaten in almost an hour!"

As her and Harry began to fill their plates with mashed potato, Dean slid into the seat next to Ronnie.

"So, Ronnie," he said, "are you still in our dorm?"

She nodded absently as she reached for the roast beef. Dean wiggled his eyebrows. Ronnie glanced at him.

"Look, Dean, there is food in front of me, and you're taking up valuable eating time with your innuendo. Plus, I haven't even _begun_ sorting out my sexuality yet!"

Dean lowered his head and slunk back to his usual seat.

"Back to Ginny it is."

* * *

When all the food had been consumed, and Ronnie was finally full, Dumbledore rose again and tapped his glass to get the attention of his students.

"Before we all leave for bed, I have a few announcements to make. Firstly, I welcome Hermione Granger to our staff as our new Ancient Runes Professor, as Hermione passed all eleven of her NEWTs with flying colours over the summer holidays!"

Hermione smiled and squeezed Severus' hand.

When the clapping subsided Dumbledore continued. "Secondly, I welcome our new Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Augustus Olaf!"

A gasp was heard from the Ravenclaw table as everyone clapped politely for the strange looking man with the huge white eyebrows and purple turban.

'_Hmm,'_ thought Harry, _'I'm getting a strange sense of déjà vu … I wonder why that is?'_

"And, last but certainly not least, replacing Professor Binns for History Of Magic, I welcome back, Remus Lupin!"

Through the thunderous applause Harry leant over to Ronnie. "He looks really healthy doesn't he? He's definitely gained some weight at last!"

She nodded. "Yes – he looks so much better – and with such a nice glow to his skin."

"I have two more announcements to make," said Dumbledore when everyone had finally calmed down. "We've decided to cancel Quidditch."

"WHAT?!" yelled Ronnie and Harry as one, as the Hall broke out in indignant yells of anger and shock.

Dumbledore tapped his glass to regain his audience.

"We have," he said, "decided that House Dance Offs would be much more entertaining, and fun. And, hopefully, will lead to fewer injuries."

The students began to mutter between themselves as they discussed whether Dance Offs were a fair trade from Quidditch.

"And lastly," said the Headmaster, "we've had way too many students entering the Forbidden Forest, so we have decided to implement a little reverse psychology. It is now renamed 'The Friendly Forest'. That is all – Goodnight everyone!"

As everyone moved to exit the Hall, Harry's eye was caught by a flash of almost white blond from the Slytherin table. He watched, mesmerized, as Draco Malfoy stood and walked gracefully out of the Hall. He didn't blink until Malfoy's fine behind was out of sight. "Ronnie," he breathed, "I think I'm in love."


	4. Chapter 4

_Chapter Four_

Harry woke with a start. _"Why did I do that?"_ he wondered as he reached for his glasses, and promptly fell out of bed due to a high pitching screaming.

'**THUMP,**' said the floor, as Harry hit it.

From his position, Harry could see his best friend clutching her face in horror.

"What's the problem, Ronnie?" gasped Harry, as he attempted to regain the wind that had recently been knocked out of him.

"It's these robes, Harry!" sobbed the red head, tears glistening in her eyes. "They make me look FAT!"

Harry rolled his emerald green eyes. "No, they don't."

Ronnie gasped. "You're right! It's NOT the robes! It's just me! Oh, I shouldn't have eaten so much at the feast …"

The Saviour Of The Wizarding World pulled himself up off the floor and stiffly patted his friend's shoulder. "There, there," he said awkwardly. "You're not fat."

His friend looked at him, her brilliant blue eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "Really? You're not just saying that?" she whispered.

Harry smiled. "Not at all. Now how about we go down to the Hall and discuss Quidditch tactics until people threaten to disembowel us?"

Ronnie beamed. "Sounds great! Let's go – I'm starving!"

* * *

Breakfast was almost over when Neville slipped into the seat opposite Ronnie and Harry and reached for the last crumpet. Ronnie waved in greeting as she continued gulping down her scrambled eggs but Harry was too busy staring at Draco Malfoy to do much at all, besides drool. Neville placed a napkin under Harry's chin in a futile attempt to soak up the large pool of saliva that was currently getting a bit too close to the bacon for comfort.

"So, Harry's got a crush on the boy he's seemingly hated for as long as they've known each other," said Neville, attempting to start conversation.

Harry forced his eyes away from Draco's shimmering blond locks.

"How did you know?!" demanded Harry. "Who told you?!"

Neville took another bit of his crumpet. "I just know these things." he said calmly. "Just like I know that Draco has a diary in which he writes poetry about you."

Harry fell off his chair. A muffled "REALLY?!" emerged from underneath the table.

Ronnie attempted to swallow the copious amounts of scrambled eggs that were currently preventing her from speech.

"Arr 'oo a ecret abent or bumthink, Nev'll?" she said, spraying her breakfast all over Harry's copy of _Hogwarts; A History_.

Neville looked around suspiciously.

"Well," he said quietly, "I'm not sure what a 'bumthink' is, but you were quite correct, Ronnie, when you guessed I was a secret agent."

Harry pulled himself back onto his chair.

"Really?" he said. "Is that why you now have sandy blonde hair and light blue eyes and you're no longer pudgy or clumsy?"

"Yup," said Neville. "I was," he paused to wink and give Harry the Double Thumbs Up™ "just pretending."

"Wow!" said Ronnie "A secret agent! That in no way surpasses the fact that Harry is better than you, but wow! Is your name really Neville Longbottom though? Because that's not a very cool name."

The boy sitting beside her shook his sandy blonde hair and leant in closer.

"No," he whispered so quietly that Harry and Ronnie had to strain their ears to hear him. "My name is actually …. Alex Rider."

Unfortunately for Neville/Alex, he did not get the impressive response he had hoped for.

"Ok," said Ronnie dismissively as she reached for another glass of pumpkin juice. Harry returned to staring at Draco.

Neville/Alex sulked. "Just don't tell anyone my real name," he muttered, and, with that, he drooped off to Advanced Herbology.

The food from all the tables suddenly vanished. "Drat," said Ronnie, who was still hungry. "Come on Harry, we've got History Of Magic."

Harry appeared not to hear. Ronnie rolled her eyes. "Come on, Romeo, let's go," she said, grabbing his arm and pulling with all her might. Harry remained where he was.

"Alright, fine," said Ronnie. "Be that way."

Harry remained catatonic. Ronnie pulled out her wand. "Last chance, Harry," she said threateningly.

A thread of Harry's drool snapped, and so did Ronnie's patience.

"_Wingardium Leviosa!_" she cried, and Harry flew up out of his seat.

Ronnie grinned evilly and begun to direct her floating friend out of the Great Hall.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" moaned Harry as he lost sight of his One True Love™.

"Honestly," said Ronnie, sounding uncannily like Hermione. "Boys."

* * *

Upon entering the classroom, Harry and Ronnie quickly sat down and attempted to pretend that they hadn't been late. Professor Lupin shook his head at them gently.

"As I was saying," he demurred. "This year we'll be studying Magical Law; its origins and changes over the years."

Lupin smiled gently at his groaning students.

"Don't fret! I promise it won't be completely boring!"

And at that moment Remus Lupin was proved correct; there was a flash of brilliant purple light, and a moment later a very naked man landed on his desk.

Ronnie screamed, "Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!"

Remus turned to look at the man on his desk. "SIRIUS?!"

"RIGHT ON!" said the man, who was, of course, Sirius Black.

The calm and reserved History Of Magic Professor then proceeded to greet Sirius, 'like a brother'.

Louise Frost cocked her head to the side, studying Remus and Sirius with the analytical mind of a Ravenclaw, "I didn't think people could bend that way."

Beside her, Rachel Grey, took some quick photos.

"Blackmail," she said, shrugging at her friend's inquiring glance.

"Oh, Siri-puppy," said Lupin tearfully, drawing the class' attention back to him. "I'd thought I'd lost you!"

"Oh, Moo-moo, you know I always told you that I'd always find my way back to you!" declared Black, standing and flinging his arms open dramatically. The students in the front row felt their eyes bulge, as they focussed on a different kind of, ahem, bulge.

Ronnie pulled a large container of popcorn out from somewhere within her robes and offered it to the students sitting around her.

Harry lent forward in his seat. _'This is so much better than passions.' _his internal voice whispered.

"_Hush, you,"_ said another, _"I'm trying to listen to the gay lovers!"_

Remus sniffed happily. "But everyone said you were dead. And ... oh Snufflepuffin! I missed you so much!"

Sirius gently took Remus' hands in his. "I missed you too, Baby Wolf. I promise I'll never leave you again."

Remus moved closer to Sirius, causing Hannah Abbott to grumble angrily as her view of "Little Sirius" was compromised.

"I have something to tell you, Pupcake," whispered Remus.

"What is it, Remepie?" said Sirius lovingly.

"I'm ... Well, I'm ..."

The entire class held its breath. The only sound to be heard was the crunching of popcorn.

"I'm ... I'm ..."

"TELL HIM, ALREADY!" yelled Seamus, apparently forgetting that he _wasn't _watching this from the privacy of his dorm.

Both men suddenly realised that they were standing in front of a group of very excited teenagers, and one of them wasn't wearing anything. Sirius turned to frown at Seamus for a moment, causing the exchange students to faint in ecstasy.

"Oh God," mumbled Sirius, wide eyed "I promised Mother this wouldn't happen again."

"CLASS DISMISSED!" yelled Remus.

The class let out a collective groan.

"I hate it when they make cliff-hangers at the end of the episode." whined Harry, The Boy Who Lived To Be Addicted To Passions.

* * *

Ronnie and Harry slumped outside the History Of Magic classroom along with the rest of their class. Everyone seemed very depressed. Suddenly Hannah Abbott remembered who had caused their removal from the classroom.

"SEAMUS!" she cried. "You're going DOWN!"

The Irish boy stopped in his attempt to sneak away unnoticed to glance wide-eyed at the enraged Hufflepuff.

"Can't we just settle this over a pint?" he said hopefully, but the blonde girl simply gave a loud war cry as she advanced on the Gryffindor.

Seamus ran. Most of the class chased after him.

Ronnie and Harry were left alone with Rachel and Louise, the two exchange students.

"So," said Ronnie, "did you bring your pet kangaroos with you?"

The Australians glanced at each other with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah," said Rachel, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Brilliant!" said the oblivious red head. "Come on, Harry, we've got Care Of Magical Creatures."

Harry finally emerged from his own little world.

"My Godfather," he whispered. "He's alive. What if he hates me? I've **got** to talk to him."

A loud moan drifted out from within the classroom they had recently vacated.

"Perhaps you should just leave a note," suggested Louise, producing a quill and a piece of parchment from her robe pocket.

Harry smiled as he thanked the Ravenclaw and then set about writing the note for Sirius.

Ronnie grinned at the Australians, who backed away slightly.

Just when the silence was becoming slightly uncomfortable, and Ronnie was considering bringing out her Wizard Chess Set, Harry finished writing.

"All done!" he chirped happily.

"OH GOD YES! HIT ME HARDER YOU CRAZY ANIMAL!" said someone who sounded very much like the very quiet and studious Remus Lupin from inside the History Of Magic classroom.

Harry paled. "Please tell me that this is all a very bizarre dream created by teenage girls high on caffeine and sherbet lemons, and my two father figures aren't really doing what I think they're doing inside that classroom," he said.

Louise gently patted his back. "There, there," she said soothingly, "I don't want to encourage the fostering of delusions, but some people have suggested that the entire universe is actually the figment of a joint imagination between two mice."

Harry looked at her gratefully. "Thankyou," he whispered.

And when those four students left that fateful hallway, they were best of friends. Because you can't go through some things without becoming friends, and comforting a boy in shock over the fact that his supposedly dead Godfather was alive and shagging the male werewolf who teaches History Of Magic, is one of them.


	5. Chapter 5

_Chapter Five_

Harry and Ronnie strolled down the grassy green slopes to Hagrid's Hut, where Care Of Magical Creatures took place.

"Ever notice that Hagrid's Hut seems to move every year?" said Harry thoughtfully. "Or that structures that have never been mentioned before suddenly appear?"

Ronnie shook her head.

"Now you're just being mean. They're directors, Harry! Not intelligent types that read or anything!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Harry innocently.

They quietened as they came to approach the area where their classes took place. Hagrid was standing surrounded by their classmates and introducing everyone to a large, green-skinned, vaguely humanoid creature.

"Now," he said proudly as Harry and Ronnie joined the ring. "Yeh all 'ere! Who can tell me what kinda creature our friend 'ere is?"

A distinctly rumpled looking Seamus raised his hand.

"An ogre, Sir?"

Hagrid beamed. The ogre passed wind. Lavender Brown fainted.

"Well done, Seamus! An ogre 'e is!"

Harry looked at the ogre nervously and clutched his wand tightly.

"Aren't ogres very similar to trolls?" he hissed in Ronnie's ear.

"No," she replied thoughtfully, "I believe they're more like onions."

But before their conversation could continue, the relative silence of the Hogwart's Grounds was broken by the arrival of four huge winged horses drawing a powder blue carriage.

"Olympe!" said Hagrid throatily.

The class watched as the Headmistress of the Beauxbatons Academy Of Magic emerged from the carriage, waving a thick stack of parchment.

"We 'ave got the permit, 'Agrid dear!" she cried happily. "We can live our dream of 'aving a winged 'orse ranch in Nice!"

"Crackerjack!" said Hagrid.

"Crackerjack?" muttered Dean Thomas, who was still deciding what colour his skin was. Today he was going for a look similar to that of a certain pop singer.

Hagrid swept Madam Maxime into his arms as she gracefully shrunk his entire cabin, vegetable gardens included, and levitated it into her carriage.

"Shall we go?" she purred joyfully, and with that, the sixth years watched as their Professor flew away with his Parisian lover.

"Well," said Pansy Parkinson, "that was unexpected."

The Gryffindors all jumped slightly.

"What are you doing here?" queried Harry, "You've got Charms."

"Oh," said Pansy, "Ok then."

As she left, the small group stood in silence.

"Why do you know the Slytherin timetable, Harry?" said Ronnie.

"Uh … no reason," replied Harry, looking slightly shifty.

Silence returned to the group.

"Library it is then," said Parvati, and they all trooped up towards the school.

Meanwhile, deep in the Friendly Forest, a strange man sang about a kid that was not his son.

* * *

As Harry and the rest of the Gryffindors that had, until recently, been attending Care Of Magical Creatures, trekked through the long hallways of Hogwarts towards the Library, they came across the two exchange students. The two incredibly beautiful girls appeared to be arguing, so, naturally, all of the Gryffindors stopped to listen.

"Come ON, Rachel! Just this once, please!" cried Louise. "I'll get down on my knees and beg if I have to!"

"No," replied Rachel. "There will be no begging happening in this hallway."

Seamus looked excited. '_Perhaps we'll see some gay lover action after all!_' he thought.

Louise scowled at the Irishman. "I heard that, Potato Boy," she said irritably.

"OMG!" yelled Seamus "She can READ MINDS!"

"Quick!" said Dean "Everybody stop thinking!"

The faces off all the Gryffindors immediately went blank and slightly slack as they all attempted not to think at all.

Lavender Brown smiled. "This is fun!" she chirped. "I can do this easy!"

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Flake."

Louise glanced at the brain dead Gryffindors and then turned back to Rachel.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?" she whined, "If you don't agree I'll follow you around all day singing the Skippy Theme Song."

"Oh God," said Rachel, "Anything but the Skippy Theme Song. Fine, I'll do it."

"SWEET!" yelled Louise. "Now, remember, _I was with you **all** day_."

"I'm only doing this for blackmail purposes." said Rachel as she swept off to Arithmancy, her cloak and ebony hair flicking out behind her.

Louise did a small jig where she stood, laughed at the still slack faced Gryffindors and then raced off towards Transfiguration.

The group of Gryffindors continued to stand around, as not thinking had the current disadvantage in the fact that they hadn't yet realised that Louise had left.

Suddenly, Harry blinked.

'_I wonder why he did that?_' thought Ronnie. She blinked.

"Oh!" she said, "I've started thinking again!"

One by one, the small group returned to sentiency.

"What were we doing again?" said Harry.

"Going to the Library," supplied Seamus helpfully, "I think."

Ronnie nodded. "Let's go then."

They all began to walk away when Parvati gave a small cry.

"Oh no!" she said tearfully, "Lavender hasn't started thinking again!"

"What are we going to do?" wailed Dean, "McGonagall will kill us if she never thinks again!"

But before mass chaos could ensue, Lavender Brown blinked, and then grinned widely.

"I win!" she squealed.

Harry shook his head. "I guess everyone has to be good at _something_."

And, with that, they finally went to the Library.

* * *

Harry and Ronnie gathered random books from the Library shelves as they made their way to a table where they could sit and pretend to study.

"I wonder who Dumbledore will hire to replace Hagrid?" mused Harry.

Ronnie shrugged. "I dunno. I mean, it's not like qualified Care Of Magical Creatures professors just fall from the sky, is it?"

Harry nodded in agreement.

"Come on," he said, "We've got enough books, let's sit."

But, to their surprise, their usual table was already occupied.

"Hermione!" squealed Ronnie.

"Ronnie!" cried Hermione.

Harry rolled his eyes as the two girls made a huge fuss about hugging each other.

"Oh, it's been too long!" grinned Hermione.

"It's been two days," said Harry.

Hermione immediately released Ronnie and rounded on Harry.

"Can't breathe," gasped the Boy Who Lived as his excitable friend hugged him tightly.

"It's so good to see you again, Harry!" chirped Hermione.

"Uh, you too, Hermione," wheezed Harry.

The ringleted girl released him slightly in order to glare at him.

Harry winced. "Uh, I mean … Mum …"

Hermione beamed.

"So, Hermione," said Ronnie "What are you doing in here? I would have thought you and Severus would be up to your necks in wedding plans by now!"

"Oh, we are!" gushed Hermione, "But right now Severus has the fourth years, and so I thought I'd take the chance to research wedding traditions a bit more thoroughly."

She waved a hand towards the huge pile of books that covered almost every inch of the large table.

"Sevvy wants a very traditional wedding," she continued, lowering her voice, "but I'm not so sure."

Ronnie nodded. "Yes, the blood letting does get a bit much, doesn't it?"

"Yes," said Hermione, "And the painting for family records is unnecessarily voyeuristic."

Ronnie looked shocked. "You can't possible abstain from _that_, Hermione! It's one of the oldest traditions of the Wizarding World, and a central part of marriage!"

"What is it, exactly?" interrupted Harry.

"It's traditional for a portrait to be made of a new couple's first night together," explained Ronnie, "and everybody does it!"

Hermione grimaced.

"I just don't think it's appropriate for children to see their parents," she stopped to glance at Harry, "M-A-K-I-N-G L-O-V-E."

Harry looked offended. "I **can** spell, you know."

Hermione patted his head. "Of course you can," she said patronizingly.

"Anyway," said Ronnie, "I'm sure you and Severus can discuss it before the big day."

Hermione nodded. "I'm also trying to create a direct translation of the engravings on my engagement ring."

She held out her hand so that Harry and Ronnie could see the strange language that encircled the band she wore.

"It's been in Severus' family for centuries, but he believes it originally came from Middle Earth." said Hermione, "but all I can decipher are the words 'The One Ring'."

As Ronnie and Hermione continued talking about wedding rings and such, Harry's attention was drawn to a small, slimy, goblin-like creature hiding behind the bookcases directly behind Hermione.

"My precccciousssss …" it muttered and then crouched in preparation to jump.

"Watch out!" said Harry, pulling Ronnie and Hermione to the floor as the creature rushed towards them.

They were just in time; the thing missed its target.

Harry stood up and raised his wand. The creature hissed at him and scampered off towards Section J – K.

"Oh, Harry!" said Hermione, her hand over her heart, "You saved me! That horrid little thing just won't leave me alone! Thank Merlin it's gone!"

But she spoke too soon; the creature rushed out, yanked the ring off Hermione's finger, cackled gleefully, and raced out into the hallway.

"No running in the Library!" screeched Madam Pince.

As the creature disappeared from sight, Hermione began to sob.

"My Ring!" she wailed, "We'll have to postpone the wedding!"


	6. Chapter 6

_Chapter Six_

Lunch was a quiet affair, as everyone had heard of Hermione's plight, and either sympathised, or just didn't want to draw her attention to themselves.

"Poor dear," said Ronnie, as she watched Hermione gaze mournfully into her onion soup.

Harry looked up in time to see Severus pat Hermione on the shoulder and quietly say a few words.

"Don't you 'Don't worry, dear' me, Severus Snape!" screamed Hermione suddenly, overturning her chair as she stood, "You're probably _happy_ about this! You don't really care! You don't understand me!"

Harry's father looked shocked as his fiancé stormed from the Great Hall.

"And I **_refuse_** to have that portrait done!" she added from the hallway, before finally disappearing out of ear-shot.

The Great Hall was suddenly abuzz with chatter and speculation.

Snape stood, glared at every student he could see and then exited the room in a swirl of black robes.

"Oh no," groaned Ronnie. "He's back to normal – and we have Potions next!"

* * *

The Slytherin-Gryffindor Potions class was unusually silent as they waited for their teacher to arrive.

Ronnie glanced at Rachel Grey, who was sitting in the front row and looking excited.

"Poor thing," she muttered. "She doesn't know how bad Snape can be."

The door banged against the dungeon wall as it was pushed forcefully open by the Potions Master.

"As you may have deduced by now," he sneered, "my fiancé and I are not on speaking terms, which means my aggression displacement complex has returned. So don't expect this class to be enjoyable. You will begin making Veritaserum, which is inherently difficult and highly complex. You will be graded on the expectedly dismal results."

Before Snape could continue, however, the object of Harry's affections made his arrival.

Draco Malfoy paused in the doorway for a moment before strutting into the Potions Classroom; music sounded his arrival and echoed around the room.

Snape sneered. "_Bad To The Bone_? Hardly original, Draco."

Draco posed, causing several girls to sigh dreamily.

"True though," he smirked.

"I assume you have permission for this," said Snape irritably.

"Indeed," said Draco, producing a small square of parchment from his robe pocket.

"I herby give my son, Draco Malfoy, permission to do whatever the hell he wants," he read out loud, "signed by Lucius Malfoy."

Snape scowled. "Fine," he said. "Now sit."

Draco smirked again.

"Do you realise that's a Muggle song?" queried Dean Thomas.

"Do you realise you're an idiot?" replied Draco, taking the seat directly in front of Harry.

Harry gluped. "How can I impress him?" he whispered in Ronnie's ear.

"Make this potion perfectly?" suggested his friend.

Harry nodded. "Right."

* * *

By the end of the period, Harry and Ronnie's potion was both colourless and odourless.

"Perfect," said Snape, "Well done, Son."

The class gasped.

"Oh, do shut up," snapped Snape, "I still hate the rest of you."

The class sighed in relief – at least some things were still the same.

Snape moved to check the last potion, which belonged to Rachel Grey and Theodore Nott.

"Acceptable," decreed Snape as he checked their obviously perfect potion.

Theodore looked elated; Rachel looked crushed.

"Class dismissed."

As they filed out, Draco smiled at Harry.

"Good one, Potter," he said, "I'm impressed."

Harry felt as if he had taken up residence on Cloud Nine.

* * *

Harry walked out of the dungeons with a very silly grin on his face. Occasionally he would skip. Ronnie shook her head at him and continued digging around in her bag for their timetable. Rachel Grey hurried past them, muttering to herself.

"How could I have made a mistake?" said the Australian, "I'm meant to be a Potions Prodigy!"

"We've got Charms," Ronnie informed Harry, as Rachel continued muttering.

"Did you see him smile at me?" said Harry joyfully as they turned into a hallway lined with Suits of Armour.

"Yes," said Ronnie, "I did."

"Do you think I have a chance, Ronnie?" asked Harry, "Honestly?"

Suddenly, music filled the air, and the Suit of Armour closest to Ronnie jumped of its step and opened its visor.

"_Wake up in the morning with a head like 'what ya done?'/ This used to be the life but I don't need another one/ Good luck cuttin' nothin', carrying on, you wear them gowns/So how come I feel so lonely when you're up getting down?"_ sung the Suit of Armour.

Harry blinked. "How surprising," he said.

Ronnie nodded her head to the beat. "Quite good though," she said.

"_So I play along when I hear that favourite song /I'm gonna be the one who gets it right/ You better know when you're swingin' round the room/ Look's like magic's solely yours tonight,"_ continued the Suit; motioning for the Other Suits to join in for the chorus, which they did.

_  
"But I don't feel like dancin' /When the old Joanna plays /My heart could take a chance /But my two feet can't find a way /You think that I could muster up a little soft, shoop devil sway /But I don't feel like dancin' /No sir, no dancin' today!"_

Dean Thomas flicked his wand and the long silver ribbon that shot out of it began to twist around in the air, spelling out the words for the song as it went.

"_Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Even if i find nothin' better to do / Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Why'd you break down when I'm not in the mood/ Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Rather be home with no one when I can't get down with you-o-o!"_

As the song reached an instrument part, the other Suits performed a complication dance around the Lead Suit, complete with back-flips, high leaps, and lance juggling.

"_Cities come and cities go just like the old empires /When all you do is change your clothes and call that versatile /You got so many colours make a blind man so confused /Then why can't I keep up when you're the only thing I lose?"_

The Lead Suit suddenly gave a theatrical twirl, and, just like magic, all of the Suits were dressed in Metallic Silver Jumpsuits. The crowd went wild.

"_So I'll just pretend that I know which way to bend /And I'm gonna tell the whole world that you're mine /Just please understand, when I see you clap your hands /If you stick around I'm sure that you'll be fine."_

Prompted by Dean's lyric producing spell, the gathered Gryffindors and Slytherins joined in for the chorus.

"_But I don't feel like dancin' /When the old Joanna plays /My heart could take a chance /But my two feet can't find a way /You think that I could muster up a little soft, shoop devil sway /But I don't feel like dancin' /No sir, no dancin' today!" _

"Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Even if I find nothin' better to do /Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Why'd you break down when I'm not in the mood?/Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Rather be home with no one when I can't get down with you-o-o!"

The Lead Suit gave another twirl and winked at Lavender and Parvati, who immediately began shrieking and jumping about excitedly.

The Other Suits continued their dance routine, occasionally pulling in the students to dance with them.

"_You can't make me dance around /But your two-step makes my chest pound /Just lay me down as you blow it away into the shimmer light!" _

"But I don't feel like dancin' /When the old Joanna plays /My heart could take a chance /But my two feet can't find a way /You think that I could muster up a little soft, shoop devil sway /But I don't feel like dancin' /No sir, no dancin' today!"

"Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Even if i find nothin' better to do /Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Why'd you break down when I'm not in the mood/Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Rather be home with no one when I can't get down with you-o-o!"

"_I - don't - feel - like – dancing - with - you!" _sung the Other Suits, acting like backing singers.

"_Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Even if i find nothin' better to do /Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Why'd you break down when I'm not in the mood/Don't feel like dancin', dancin' /Rather be home with no one when I can't get down with you-o-o!"_

The crowd clapped and whistled as loudly as they could as the Suits bowed and returned to their original places, still dressed in their Metallic Silver Jumpsuits.

Cho Chang, who was the Head Girl, however, did not join in with the applause.

"Who did this?" she demanded, "Charming the Suits of Armour to sing and dance is against THE RULES!"

She emphasised her point by gesturing to a large bronze plaque on the wall which read, in large letters, 'It is against the Rules to charm the Suit of Armour to sing and/or dance.'

The crowd immediately protesting their innocence, quite loudly.

"I was in Charms before Lunch, and the Suits weren't singing and/ or dancing then," mused Cho, "The culprit must have charmed them during Lunch!"

"Louise was with me all day," intoned Rachel Grey, not even bothering to fake an expression of shock.

Cho frowned. "I'll figure this out," she said, "you mark my words!"

"I didn't do it!" cried Mark Evans.

"It's a figure of speech!" snapped Cho, "Go to Class!"

The assorted students hastened to obey.

"Draco has really pretty hair," said Harry dreamily.


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter Seven_

"Today," squeaked Professor Flitwick, "we will be starting Appearance Charms and Glamours. They are highly complex, but I don't expect you to be able to perform them straight away."

He smiled encouragingly at his mixed class of Ravenclaws and Gryffindors.

"The first charm we will be learning, when performed correctly, affects the appearance of your hair."

Several girls gasped and began to look anxious.

"What if we _don't_ perform it correctly?" asked Mandy Brocklehurst.

"Now, now, there's no need to worry!" said their diminutive professor. "A simple _finite incantatem_ will put most things back to rights! Shall we practise that first?"

Several of the students began to nod frantically. Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw Louise Frost yawn and begin to change the colour of her fingernails.

"Altogether now!" said Professor Flitwick. "A circular upright motion and … _finite incantatem!_"

"_FINITE INCANTATEM!_" cried the class in unison.

The huge flash of white light that resulted temporalily blinded several people.

"What happened?" sobbed Padma Patil. "Is my hair ok?"

"Oh dear, oh dear," said Professor Flitwick, "I certainly didn't expect that, but I assume one of our number must have been exposed to a long term glamour which the combined effect of our spell casting has removed. It would have had to be cast by a very talented charms master, indeed, to have lasted sixteen years!"

He looked around at his students, examining them for any changes, spotted Harry, and promptly fell of his chair.

"Great Merlin!" he squeaked.

The entire class looked at Harry and gasped.

"What is it?" said Harry frantically, "What's wrong with me?!"

It was Ronnie who recovered first.

"Well," she said slowly, "not that it's a bad thing but, well, you look like Snape."

Harry moaned. "Why can't my life be normal?"

* * *

Luckily, Charms was the last class of the day and Harry and Ronnie were free to hurry back to their dormitory as soon as Flitwick dismissed his students.

Harry examined himself in the full length mirror Ronnie had insisted be installed in the bathroom.

He sighed in relief. "Oh, thank Merlin, I didn't get his nose."

"That must have been from your mother's side," noted Ronnie, "It's really just the hair that's noticeable."

Harry nodded. "It's not too bad though," he said, "at least it stays where I want it to, now. And having perfect eyesight makes up inheriting Severus' sneer."

Ronnie patted him on the back. "You're taking this very well," she said, "I'm proud of you."

Harry turned sideways. "And as long as I keep my Rippling Quidditch Toned MusclesTM, I don't think anyone will really pay that much attention to the rest of me."

Ronnie nodded, "Too true. Now, how about we go visit Sirius and Remus? We might be able to find out what they were talking about earlier."

"Sounds good," said Harry, "Let's go!"

Harry knocked nervously on the door to Remus Lupin's private quarters.

"Harry!" cried Sirius as he pulled open the door, "It's great to see you again!"

He pulled his Godson into a bear-hug.

"I got your note," he added with a smile, "and I don't blame you for me dying – that was my own silly fault! And I don't mind that Severus is your Father either, we never really hated each other – we were," he paused and gave Harry the Double Thumbs Up, "just pretending!"

Harry breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, good. I had hoped that might have been the case."

Remus appeared at the door. "Are you going to invite Harry and Ronnie in, Sirius, or just talk to them in the hallway all night?" he asked, smiling gently.

"Oh, right!" said Sirius. "In you come!"

As the two teenagers entered, they heard a faint barking.

"Excuse me," said Remus as he hurried off into an adjoining room.

Sirius gestured for Harry and Ronnie to sit as he bustled around making hot chocolate.

"So, Ron," he said, "not wanting to be rude or anything, but you seem to have changed a bit …"

Ronnie waved a hand flippantly. "Oh, that. Hermione just got bored with having no female company, besides Ginny."

"Ah," said Sirius, nodding understandingly, "I see. Ginny's turned into quite the money maker, hasn't she?"

"Yes," said Ronnie, "but most people just call her a whore."

"Oh," said Sirius, a bit awkwardly.

Remus re-entered the room.

"Sirius," he sighed, "could you please put some pants on?"

"Oh Moony," said Sirius, "You know I love you, but pants are for squares!"

Remus shook his head tiredly. "We'll talk about this later," he said.

"So," said Sirius, sitting down on the couch opposite to the one occupied by Harry and Ronnie and pulling Remus down next to him, "what have you two been up to?"

Ronnie immediately launched into a detailed explanation of their first day back.

"And then we came here!" she concluded.

"Sounds like an exciting first day back," said Remus.

Sirius stroked his chin thoughtfully, "Care Of Magical Creatures Professor, hmmm?"

"What was the news that you wanted to tell Sirius in class, Remus?" said Harry bluntly, who was too impatient to word his question a bit less bluntly.

"Oh, that," said Remus with a small smile.

He and Sirius exchanged a loving glance.

"We're daddies!" said Sirius excitedly.

"Say what?" replied Harry, slightly confused.

"Come on," said Remus, standing up and gesturing towards the closed door he had entered earlier.

Harry and Ronnie tip toed behind Remus into the room.

"Awwww!" breathed Ronnie, "They're so cute!"

One of the six tiny babies sifted in his sleep. Sirius peeped into the room.

"Right little rascals they are when awake though," he said indulgently.

"And they grow so fast," added Remus.

Ronnie nodded. "My mum says that all the time," she said.

Remus laughed quietly. "It's a little different for these guys," he explained, "they're half were-wolf, so they'll age about a year a month until they're physically six or seven, and then start age a bit slower than usual from then onwards."

"So they'll stay younger for longer?" asked Ronnie.

Remus nodded.

Harry looked at the were-wolf. "You don't look that young," he said apologetically.

Remus smiled. "I'm a lot older than you think," he confessed.

Sirius winked. "He's still got plenty of energy though."

Remus blushed and punched Sirius' shoulder. "Hush, you."


	8. Chapter 8

_Chapter Eight_

The next morning at breakfast, Ronnie happily pointed out to Harry that Severus and Hermione had apparently made up. Harry screwed up his nose as he watched the two professors spoon feed each other, and quickly went back to staring at Draco, and attempting not to drool overly much.

* * *

Over at the Slytherin table, Crabbe noticed Harry staring at The Boss and grunted in irritation. Draco followed his henchman's line of sight to gaze directly into Harry's brilliant green eyes. His heart fluttered within his chest, but Draco forced his delicate features into a look of aloof calmness. He was just considering winking at the other boy when Harry received a large parcel and broke his gaze.

'_I have to write a poem about this,'_ Draco thought to himself, _'and maybe, just maybe, I'll even send it to him…'_

Draco paused to shudder slightly. _'Merlin knows I've improved since Second Year, at least. Eyes as green as a fresh pickled toad … what was I **thinking**?'_

* * *

Harry cocked his head to the side as he examined the parcel he had been sent. Ronnie paused from shovelling food into her mouth for long enough to poke him.

"Are you going to unwrap it, or just stare at it?" asked the red-head, surprisingly coherent.

Ronnie poured them both another glass of pumpkin juice as Harry began to rip off the bright red wrapping paper.

"Wow!" said Ronnie. "An extra large box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans!"

"There's a card," said Harry, "it says _"I'm very sorry for what I have done"_."

The dark hair boy turned to his friend. "Who could have sent it?"

Ronnie shrugged. "No idea."

Harry watched as first year Klaus Baudelaire walked over from Ravenclaw and started talking to Neville/Alex.

"Probably doesn't matter," said Harry, finally turning his attention back to this beans, "but I'll do a contaminants check on them, just in case."

"Can I do it?!" called Gill Grissom from across the room.

Harry raised an eyebrow at the excited first year.

"Ah, it's ok, I can do it myself, thanks."

Harry drew his wand and muttered a quick spell. The beans stayed their normal colours, a sign that they weren't contaminated.

Harry's pumpkin juice, however, was now glowing a brilliant blue.

"Oh, shit," he said, as he gazed around the Great Hall to confirm that, yes, all the pumpkin juice had been contaminated by something …

"Oh, Harry, what's wrong/ your face seems too long," sung Ronnie.

"Something has been put in these drinks/ something that makes me think/ it's a prank because/ whatever it was/ this singing's going to cause a stink!" he replied.

* * *

The morning went by very slowly; people were soon very sick of speaking in rhymes and they were stunned to discover that everyone was forced to _write_ in song form also.

Thankfully, by noon the affects of the prank had mostly worn off, and people would only rhyme occasionally. The House-Elves _were_ slightly confused, however, as to why nobody drunk any pumpkin juice during Lunch.

"Whoever is pulling these pranks is pretty good," said Ronnie, as Lunch came to an end, "even Fred and George would be impressed!"

Louise Frost walked past them, looking very pleased with herself.

The food-filled plates suddenly disappeared, as was the custom at the end of meals. Harry and Ronnie reluctantly gathered their things and headed off to Advanced Transfiguration.

"I still don't know why I put down for Advanced," grumbled Ronnie, "it's sure to be terribly difficult."

* * *

"Advanced Transfiguration," announced Professor McGonagall, "is terribly difficult."

Ronnie groaned and sunk further down into her seat.

"However," continued their teacher, "it can also be very rewarding, if you put in the appropriate effort. We will be beginning with the Animagus Transformation."

The small, mixed class suddenly looked much more excited.

"It is a difficult and time consuming process," said McGonagall, "but because it relies on inert, inner magic, it is a common predecessor to other forms of human transfiguration, which are much more difficult to master."

She waved her wand, seemingly carelessly, and detailed notes on Magical Theory appeared on the blackboard, which stood at the front of the class.

"After you have copied these down, we may begin."

The students hastened to obey, all seven of them glad that the class was held in a double period, and thus much longer than a standard class. When the scratching of quills on parchment finally stopped, Professor McGonagall stood up from behind her desk, where she had been marking essays, and continued to teach.

"Now," she said crisply, "we will perform the indication spell. This is by far the easiest part of the Transformation Process, though it does use up a significant amount of Magical Energy. This is one of the reasons why many weaker Wizards and Witches find the Process a difficult one."

Susan Bones began to look slightly nervous.

"Take out a fresh piece of parchment," instructed the professor, "write your name in the centre and then intone _'ostendo bestia in mihi'_."

The excited sixth years quickly began to prepare their parchments.

"Do we use our full names, Professor?" asked Justin Finch-Fletchley.

McGonagall nodded.

'_Harry James Potter,'_ wrote Harry, and then turned to look at his friend's sheet.

'_Ronald Billius Lance Princely Ivan Weasley,'_ said Ronnie's page.

She caught Harry looking and shrugged.

"Old Wizarding TraditionTM," she explained.

Harry nodded and returned to staring at his parchment. Taking a deep breath, he said the incantation.

The effect was instantaneous. The words glowed gold and flickered once, as if lit from behind, then dimmed once more. They grew larger and smaller in quick succession and then began to run, as if no longer contained by the outlines of Harry's name. Ink spread itself all over the page, running here and there as if chased by a mysterious force. Harry watched, in amazement, as the ink which had once spelt his name behind to form itself into a magnificent, if slightly scribbly, Phoenix.

Beside him, Ronnie groaned.

"Seamus is going to have a field day over this," she said, and held up her parchment for Harry to see.

Harry grinned. There, in the centre of Ronnie's page, was a small Weasel.

Ronnie peered over to look at Harry's page.

"A Phoenix!" she exclaimed. "Some people get all the luck."

Harry grinned again and turned to listen to the rest of the class discuss their animals.

"A Peacock?" Justin was saying. "Why on earth did I get a peacock?"

Rachel Grey and Louise Frost sniggered loudly from their table at the back of the class.

Justin scowled. "Well, what did you get then?"

The two exchange students held up their parchments to display a Bat and an Owl, respectively.

Justin's scowl became even more pronounced. Neville/Alex grinned.

"All you birds better watch out," he said, displaying his parchment, which showed a cat stalking about the page, "especially you, Peacock Boy."

"What did you get, Susan?" said Justin, trying to change the subject.

"A Turtle," said Susan miserably.

The Hufflepuff girl looked around the class, expecting the other students to tease her, as they had done to Justin.

"Oh, that's a good one!" said Louise Frost. "Inconspicuous, armoured and small enough to sneak into places – nice!"

Susan looked surprised, but she smiled nonetheless.

McGonagall cleared her throat to get the attention of her class.

"Now you have discovered which form you will take," she said, "you will need to research the biological and physiological aspects of your animal, and concentrate on channelling the aspects of your personality which directed you to this creature. The notes you have already made should help you with this."

Ronnie drew her gaze from her parchment, where her Weasel was currently running around in circles, to look at her friend's page. What she saw astonished her. Instead of showing the solitary Phoenix that she expected to see, Harry's parchment was covered in thousands of little ink creatures. Birds flew and dived about the heads of Horses, who galloped past packs made up hundreds of different breeds of Dogs, who barked at Cats, who simply stretched out and ignored them. Insects crawled along the bottom of the parchment and a great Lion yawned as it paced the length of the page. Ronnie's eyes widened as she watched a huge Hungarian Horntail swooped along side the original Phoenix and then disappeared out of sight.

"Harry," she hissed, "Harry!"

"Do you have something to share with the class, Miss Weasley?" said McGonagall sternly.

"Look at Harry's parchment!" Ronnie said, pointing to the offending piece of paper.

McGonagall took the parchment and examined it.

"Harry Potter," she said, breathless with excitement, "you appear to be a Meta-animagus."

Harry frowned. "Does this mean I get extra homework?"

* * *

Harry and Ronnie walked slowly to their last class of the day, Defence Against The Dark Arts, reluctant to attend another lesson in which copious amounts of homework were likely to be given.

"Scrub or do not scrub, there is no bleach," muttered a small, wrinkled House-Elf who was apparently leading the effort to ride the stone walls of graffiti which read, in huge green letters, 'Death Eaters Do It With Voldemort'.

Ronnie read the graffiti and shook her head.

"Not that that's not terrible amusing, but you'd think people would stop being so awful to those poor Death Eaters."

"Say what!?" said Harry.

"Oh, sorry," said Ronnie, "I forgot that you don't have time between drooling sessions to read the newspaper. All the Death Eaters were all under Imperius which forced them to act like they hated Muggles and Muggle-borns and Halfbloods and various other people, which, of course, they don't."

"Oh," said Harry, attempting to wrap his head around this piece of potentially ground breaking news, "that's good. Now I can be in love with Draco and not have to worry that his father is going to AK me."

Ronnie rolled her eyes.

"But what about Voldemort? What's he doing now that he's got no Death Eaters?"

Ronnie shrugged.

"No one knows."

"Oh," said Harry, "I guess that I better assume that I still have to kill him then?"

"Couldn't hurt," replied Ronnie.

* * *

"OOOOOKAY THEN!" said Professor Olaf. "First things first – I am not a redundant theatre actor who is currently in disguise in yet another attempt to steal the fortune of a first year Ravenclaw, ok?"

The class nodded.

"Second things second – I do not enjoy teaching, so you will spend the year working through _A Dummies Guide To Defence Against The Dark Arts_. Any questions?"

Seamus Finnigin raised his hand.

"Yes," said the Professor, "you with the blackened eye."

"What's a Dummie, Sir?" asked Seamus, inwardly cursing Hannah Abbott.

The tall, gangly professor raised one extremely bushy eyebrow and gazed at Seamus stonily.

The Irish boy began to get nervous.

"It is a Yiddish term," said the professor finally, "for ONE WHICH IS DUMB!"

"Oh," said Seamus, feeling vaguely insulted.

"Well?" said Olaf. "Get on with it!"

Harry opened his textbook to the first page.

_1a. Who defeated He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?_

_a) Harry Potter_

_b) Steve Smith_

_c) Oscar Wilde_

_d) Trixie Tang_

Harry groaned. It was going to be a long year.

* * *

At dinner that evening, Harry and Ronnie noticed a new addition to the Staff Table; a tall, old wizard with a long grey beard was seated beside Dumbledore.

"I wonder who he is?" said Ronnie, as she helped herself to Treacle Tart.

"I don't know," said Harry, "but he looks very similar to Dumbledore, doesn't he?"

As the plates cleared themselves away, Dumbledore rose and cleared his throat. The Hall was instantly silent.

"I have some short announcements to make," said the Headmaster, "Firstly, my identical twin brother, Gandalf, is going to be residing in the castle for a short period of time as he attempts to capture the creature which recently stole Professor Granger's engagement ring."

Hermione began to sob quietly.

"Secondly," continued Dumbledore, "you may have noticed the absence of our Care Of Magical Creatures professor, Rubeus Hagrid, who has recently retired in order to run a winged horse ranch in the French country-side. He will, of course, be missed, but I am happy to announce that he will be replaced by the recently un-dead, and completely innocent, Sirius Black!"

The Great Hall was immediately filled with tremendous applause.

Dumbledore held up a hand in order to call for silence.

"Professor Black wished for me to convey his regrets for not attending our feast tonight, as he is currently busy settling his family in their new home, located in place of Hagrid's cabin. He also mentioned something about 'christening the stairs', but I'm really not sure what he meant."

Ronnie and Harry looked at each other in horror.

Dumbledore gave a Level Three eye twinkle.

Several girls looked very disappointed at the news that Sirius wasn't single.

"And lastly," said Professor Dumbledore, "I am happy to announce that the first Inter-house Dance Off will be taking place two weeks from now, on Friday evening. The House Dance Off Teams are currently as were the House Quidditch Teams, but Houses may pick and choose members as they so please."

Dumbledore gave his students a quick Level One eye twinkle.

"Now," he said, "to bed!"


	9. Chapter 9

_Chapter Nine_

The two weeks leading up to the Dance Off seemed to go by very quickly, in Harry's opinion. With copious amounts of homework from all his classes, visits to see Sirius, Remus and The Pups, regular dinners with Severus and Hermione and the occasional game of Wizard's Chess with Ronnie, it seemed as though there wasn't nearly enough time to practise all the moves he was meant to learn.

"Arrrgh!" said Harry as he flung himself onto his bed. "The Dance Off is tomorrow and I _still_ can't do this move right!"

"I know!" wailed Ronnie, from where she laid eagle spread on the floor. "I don't know how anyone could learn it in two weeks!"

She moaned loudly.

"Why did we ever vote Angelina as Captain?"

"Oh, bollocks it all," said Harry, "I'm going for a walk. Hopefully she just won't make us do it."

"Ok," said Ronnie, "I'm going to have a shower and attempt to re-shrink my leg muscles. Don't get into too much trouble."

Harry nodded as he left the room.

"Since when do _I_ get into trouble?" he scoffed.

* * *

As Harry descended towards the Common Room he suddenly became aware of raised voices coming from within. He stepped into the room to see Ginny and Dean having a rather intense discussion.

"You promised me you wouldn't whore yourself around anymore!" said Dean.

Ginny flicked her long red hair.

"It doesn't _mean_ anything," she retorted.

Dean threw his hands up in the air.

"How can you _say_ that?!" he demanded. "You know how much it hurts me!"

"Well, maybe that's because you're just not **man** enough to deal with it!" cried Ginny.

The occupants of the Common Room gasped in unison and waited eagerly for Dean's reply.

"Fine!" he finally spat. "It's over between us!"

Ginny sniffed and adjusted her boob tube.

"No wood off my wand," she said as she turned to exit the room.

"Just so you know, I like Ronnie better anyway," said Dean as a parting shot, as he stormed up to his dormitory.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOO," said the crowd in pleasure.

Ginny stood, open mouthed, in the centre of the room for a few moments time, digesting what Dean had said, before finally turning and angrily exiting the portrait hole.

The other students immediately began to gossip. Harry shook his head at their antics.

"They'll get used to it," said someone very close to Harry's left ear, "Life is pain."

Harry turned to look at who had spoken. He took in the pale skin, black skinny leg jeans, huge black fringe and numerous piercings.

"Colin?" he said in surprise.

"Yeah," said the younger boy miserably, "don't worry, I'm not offended that you've forgotten me. Everybody has."

"Oh, no," said Harry, "it's just that you seem to have … changed a bit over the Summer."

Colin nodded and brushed his fringe out of his right eye.

"Yeah," he said, "my parents don't get me; they don't understand that this is the real me, the one inside that hides from all the pain and suffering the world heaps upon my shoulders."

"Oh," said Harry. "that's good. I, uh, have to go, but I'll talk to you later, ok?"

Colin shrugged.

"Whatever," he said slowly, "you know Harry, I really heart your scar. It's so, like, painfully personal."

Harry nodded.

"Right. Bye Colin."

Colin sighed as he watched Harry walk away

"People don't get me," he said morosely.

He sighed again, before turning and walking back to his dormitory, where he could listen to Hawthorne Heights, and cry.

* * *

Harry walked through the Dungeons, absent-mindedly humming 'It's Raining Men'. He stopped and looked around. His feet had led him to his father's private quarters, apparently of their own accord.

'_Then again,'_ he pondered, _'I **was** trying to get away from Ginny and Smith, and I guess this is the last place they would be.'_

He remembered what he had witnessed only a few minutes ago and shuddered.

Apparently there was some basis in calling Zacharias 'The Hufflepuff Hellraiser'; he certainly was rather noisy.

Harry shuddered again and quickly banished any more thoughts of the amorous couple from his mind. If Severus were to do a surprise Occumency test on him this evening, those kind of images could prove very hard to explain.

Suddenly, Harry realised that he wasn't the only one to visit the Potion Master's rooms that night.

A dark figure in a long cloak was crouching down before Snape's door, apparently leaving behind a large parcel.

"Who's that?" said Harry nervously, and rather stupidly.

The figure turned sharply, its cloak billowing out impressively in the still Dungeon air.

Harry gasped and began to slowly walk backwards as he caught a glimpse of the figure's blazing red eyes.

The figure continued to advance on him, raising two seemingly clawed hands; Harry raised his wand and shouted the first spell that came to mind.

"Lumos!"

The figure hissed in pain as it reared away from the light, bringing its arms up to shield its face as it did so.

Harry stepped forward, suddenly feeling braver.

The figure appeared to sense him coming, and without a single further motion, turned and ran, quickly disappearing into the shadows that lined the hall.

'_Well, that was weird,'_ thought Harry, as he began to slowly walk towards the door leading to his father's rooms.

He had almost reached the door when he fell over.

"Ooofph," said Harry.

Severus opened the door.

"What in the name of the Wizarding World are you doing, Harry?" said Snape. "I guess it was too much to hope for that you would one day inherit some resemblance of my grace and poise …"

Harry muttered something that _may_ have been 'sod off'.

"What was that, my dear son?" queried Severus teasingly.

Harry dusted himself off and raised his chin.

"I'll have you know," he said, "that I just fought off a very vicious vampire."

Severus raised an eyebrow.

"Nice excuse. I still say that you're clumsy."

"I have proof!" exclaimed Harry, playing along with his father's teasing.

"Oh, yes? Pray tell, what is this proof you have?"

Harry pointed to the parcel the figure had left behind, and that he had only recently tripped over.

Severus raised his other eyebrow.

"Hmmm," he said, "this will need to be investigated."  
He picked up the parcel and motioned for Harry to follow him inside.

"Where's Hermione?" asked Harry as they entered the kitchen.

Severus scowled.

"She got annoyed when I mentioned that Big Brother: Series 38 was little more than a poor excuse of an experiment to attempt to disprove that stupidity wasn't contagious. She went back to her mothers'."

Harry rolled his eyes.

"You know, if you just got rid of the TV you two would have a lot less fights. And Hermione wouldn't use up so much floo powder."

"I mentioned that once," grumbled Severus, "and I had to sleep on the couch."

Harry chuckled.

Severus finished unwrapping the parcel.

"Curious," he said.

Harry pinched his nose to try and avoid the stench that had quickly begun to fill the room.

"That's gross," said Harry, "and on that note, what _is_ it?"

"It's the spleen of a basilisk," said Snape, "it's very useful for many potions."

"I'm sure," said Harry.

"You wouldn't know," said Severus, "you wouldn't know a useful ingredient if it hit you on the head."

Harry sneered.

"And don't _do_ that," said Severus, "it's like looking into a Youngifying Mirror."

"That's not a word," said Harry sniffily.

"Is too," shot back Severus, "the author just added it to dictionary."


	10. Chapter 10

_Chapter Ten_

The day of the Dance-Off arrived and excitement was running high. Many of the professors simply gave up on teaching their classes, and at least five first years were sent to the Hospital Wing due to spontaneous hallway dancing resulting in blood noses. But, finally, it was time for the Dance-Off to begin …

Dumbledore walked onto a raised platform in front of the Great Hall, resplendent in a black suit decorated with flashing gold stars, holding what appeared to be a simple Muggle microphone.

"Ladies, Gentlemen, Ghosts, Honoured Guests and Others – Welcome to the first Hogwarts Inter-House Dance-Off!"

A large neon sign hanging from the rafters flashed 'applaud' at the crowd gathered on the stadium style seating which currently surrounded the Great Hall, and so they did.

"Thankyou," said Dumbledore, "now, I'm happy to present to you our judges for this evening!"

He waved a hand towards a table towards the back of the platform, currently dimmed so the identity of the judges remained unknown.

"They are …"

A torch above the table flickered to light to illuminate the first judge.

"CORNELIUS FUDGE!"

The Minister of Magic smiled and tipped his lime-green bowler at the crowd.

"TOM CRUISE!"

The actor glared into the crowd, then began jumping on a convenient couch.

"RITA SKEETER!"

The blonde woman smiled broadly and spun her Quick Quotes Quill between her scarlet tipped fingers.

"AAAAAAAND … CHUCK NORRIS!"

The man grinned and gave the crowd a Double Thumbs UpTM.

"Now," continued Dumbledore, "you know who's judging – let's met who's dancing! I'll hand you over to our Guest Commentator – Lee, if you would?"

"Thankyou, Albus," said the tall black boy, "first up we have Ravenclaw House – easily the most studious House here at Hogwarts, the 'Claws seem to have done their homework with this talented line-up! I present to you – Lisa Turpin, Stewart Ackerley, Luna Lovegood, Anthony Goldstein, Stephen Cornfoot, Eddie Carmichael and Su Li!"

The seven Ravenclaw students waved to the crowd as they walked on to the Dance Floor, and quickly lined up.

"And don't they look fantastic!" continued Lee.

And indeed, dressed in their gym boots, skinny ties and spectacles, the Ravenclaws were a sight to behold.

"With Lisa Turpin as the Captain this year, Ravenclaw looks ready to stun!"

Lisa Turpin nodded at Lee, music began to fill the Great Hall, and the Ravenclaws began their dance.

"Wow!" cried Lee Jordan. "_'Oh such grace, oh such beauty'_ – a fantastic choice by Ravenclaw House as they perform 'A Million Ways' by OkGo! Words barely do this song justice! It's disco meets karaoke, it's the Maccerena meets Hi5 – it's a perfecy reproduction of the dance performed by the actual band, but with extra bodies and more breasts!"

He whistled lowly.

"Do you reckon that Su Li would date me?"

The girl in question sent him a glare as she skipped around the dance floor.

"Guess not! Back to Ginny Weasley it is!"

As the Ravenclaws finished their routine, slightly breathless, the crowd applauded excitedly, for the neon sign had told them to.

"Well done, Ravenclaw!" said Lee. "Lisa, could we have you up here for a quick chat while the Judges complete their scoring?"

Lisa jogged up to the stage next to Lee, who promptly shoved his microphone in her face.

"How are you feeling now? How do you think your team performed tonight? Did you give it your very, very best?"

Turpin nodded, "Oh, yeah, really good," she said, still panting slightly, "I think we really gave it our best shot, and that's what really counts. Except for winning, of course."

Lee laughed heartily, "Of course! Now let's see what the Judges thought!"

Fudge smiled and held up a large sign.

"An eight from the Minister!" cried Lee. "A great start to the evening!"

Tom Cruise held up a five and scowled.

"I don't believe in Magic," he said.

"Of course you don't!" laughed Lee. "But you're mental – so nobody cares!"

Rita Skeeter held up her sign.

"A two from Ms Skeeter!" cried Lee, as the crowd booed in disapproval.

"It lacked originality," sniffed the reporter.

"What will our last judge decide?" said Lee.

Chuck Norris held up his sign.

"And a six from Chuck!" said Lee. "That gives Ravenclaw a total of 21! Well done, Ravenclaw House!"

The crowd clapped politely as the students left the Dance Floor.

"Next up!" said Lee. "GRYFFINDOR HOUSE!"

* * *

Harry gulped as he followed the rest of the team on to the Dance Floor.

* * *

"With a line-up very similar to that of the old Quidditch Team," said Lee, "I hope Captain Angelina Johnson knows her team can switch from flying to dancing! Let's hear it for the Gryffs! Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell, Harry Potter, Ronnie Weasley, Demelza Robins, Andrew Kirk and Alicia Spinnet!"

The Gryffindor fans roared in approval, as Harry took his place in front of the team.

Angelina made an almost indiscernible movement with her right hand and the team's outer robes suddenly vanished, revealing their baggy jeans and hoodies.

The crowd went wild. Harry pulled a microphone from out of his jeans pocket and took a deep breath.

"Oh!" shouted Jordan. "It appears Harry Potter is going to sing! Hopefully this will be better than some of his work in the communal showers!"

Harry blushed; he was never going to live that time that he cracked a high note on _Wind Beneath My Wings_ down.

Harry nodded, and music quickly filled the air.

"Music hits me/ So hard/ Makes me say/ Oh My Lord/ Thankyou for blessing me/ With a mind to rhyme/ And two hot feet/ It feels good/ When you know you're down/ A super dope homeboy from the Oaktown/ And I'm known/ As such/ And this is a beat, uh, you can't touch."

The crowd went wild, again, as Harry continued to rap and the rest of the Gryffindor House Dance Off Team break-danced around him.

"Break it down!" cried Harry and he launched into a spectacular high, twirling triple flipped back flip before landing in the splits and then flipping himself upright again.

"STOP!" he yelled. "IT'S POTTERTIME!"

He and Ronnie quickly began their synchronised break-dancing routine.

The crowd continued to go wild. Harry grinned.

"_Why was I worried about this?"_ he thought, and then picked up his microphone and rapped once more.

"Fantastic contribution to the Dance Off from Gryffindor House!" said Lee as the students finished breaking it down. "Come on up, Angelina!"

"Thanks, Lee!" said Katie. "We've been working very hard on this routine, and I hope the judges appreciated it."

"Let's find out!" said Lee. "What have you got for the Lions of Hogwarts, Minister?"

Fudge held up a three. "I don't like Potter," he scowled.

Rita Skeeter quickly held up her nine. "I do!" she said. "I've never seen a better set of Rippling Quidditch Toned Muscles! Maybe we could have a _private interview_ sometime, Mr Potter?"

Harry went red and mumbled something indistinctive as the blond reporter winked at him.

Tome Cruise held up a six. "I liked the jumping," he said.

"So far Gryffindor has scored eighteen," said Lee, "but can they overthrow Ravenclaw?"

Chuck Norris grinned and held up a five.

"23!" cried Lee, "Well done, Gryffindor!"

"Well done, team!" whispered Katie as they stood on the edges of the Dance Floor. "Let's see the other Houses beat that!"

"Word," nodded Ronnie.

Harry opened his mouth to speak, but was almost immediately distracted by the sight of Draco Malfoy strutting onto the Dance Floor, followed by the rest of the Slytherin House Dance Off team.

"Is he going to drool?" whispered Katie.

Ronnie nodded, "most definitely."

* * *

Draco smirked as he and his team took their positions. He was still slightly annoyed that _Careless Whisper_ had been voted out by his team. _"But,"_ he thought, _"this song was practically made for me." _

* * *

"Welcome to the Floor, Slytherin!" announced Lee. "With the very hot and talented Draco Malfoy as their glorious leader, Slytherin has a really good chance of winning here tonight! And I _didn't_ accept a small Hawaiian island from his dad in return for saying that!"

Draco rolled his eyes and nodded impatiently. The music started up and Draco fixed his smirk firmly in place.

'_I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love/ Love's going to leave me/ I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt/ So sexy it hurts.'  
_"Nice choice by the Slytherins!" said Lee Jordan. "Draco Malfoy has definitely made the right decision with _I'm Too Sexy_!"

* * *

Backstage, Harry was agreeing wholeheartedly. Drool began to accumulate in his mouth, yet his throat felt dry, and his stomach felt like it held a thousand butterflies.

Draco flicked his hair and Harry swallowed hard. _"Make those a thousand** break-dancing** butterflies …"_ he thought.

* * *

From the corner of his eye, Draco spotted Harry watching him and his heart skipped a beat. _"Either I'm developing a heart condition, or I really like Harry,"_ he thought. _"But he looks so calm and collected standing over there … he couldn't possibly like me …"_

* * *

Harry watched with wide eyes as the Slytherins, namely Draco, shimmied and swayed to the music. He began to feel slightly light-headed.

"Are you feeling ok, Harry?" asked Ronnie, concerned by her friend's shallow breathing, sweaty brow and excessive drooling.

"Fine," squeaked Harry, but then Draco chose that moment to remove his shirt, and Harry simultaneously developed a blood nose and a bad case of unconsciousness.

* * *

As the song ended, Draco shot another look at Harry. _"He's so bored that he's fallen asleep!"_ thought Draco sadly. _"I really don't have a chance. I guess I better just keep acting like I hate him."_

* * *

"What a performance!" shouted Lee Jordan over the tremendous applause. "Draco, would you mind joining me up here?"

Draco double-checked that his smirk was still at 100 and strutted up onto the stage.

"Like what you see, Jordan?" he drawled, as the other boy seemed to have lost the ability of speech when faced with a topless Malfoy.

Lee cleared his throat. "Scores, please, Judges!" he said, a little hoarsely.

Fudge held up a seven; as did Tom Cruise, who, for someone who didn't like magic, seemed to be enjoying himself immensely.

Rita Skeeter fluttered her obviously fake eyelashes at Draco as she held up an eight.

"22 for the Slytherin team so far!" said Lee, who was _not_ looking at Draco's Rippling Quidditch Toned Muscles - which weren't _quite_ as impressive as Harry's anyway.

Chuck Norris shook his head and held up a one.

"Didn't enjoy it," he said, amidst furious hisses from the Slytherin fans.

"23 all up for Slytherin!" shouted Lee.

Draco smirked and motioned for his team to follow him off stage.

"Marry me, Draco!" screamed one of the audience members, but the Malfoy heir simply ignored them. When you'd heard as many screamed marriage proposals as he had, they just rolled right off.

* * *

"Last, but certainly not least," cried Lee, "we welcome to the Dance Floor – Hufflepuff House!"

The 'Puffs skipped out onto the floor, resplendent in their sparkly pink jumpsuits, and the crowd went wild.

"Hit it!" yelled Cedric and music instantly began playing.

The crowd ooohed and ahhhed as the Hufflepuffs showed just how good they were at Disco.

"Wow!" exclaimed Lee. "That Zacharias Smith sure is flexible!"

In the audience, Louise Frost squinted and cocked her head to the side.

"I didn't think that was physically possible _either_," she muttered.

Rachel Grey shrugged and continued taking Potions notes, which seemed to consist mostly of scribbled love hearts containing the name of their Potions Master.

Cartwheels and flips dominated the Hufflepuff routine as they easily out-discoed any competition they may have had.

The crowd went wild; for why should you give up when you're onto a good thing?

The seven Hufflepuff students beamed as they finished off their routine with a human pyramid, and a couple of back flips, just for good measure.

"Stunning!" said Lee Jordan. "That was Hufflepuff with the _Jitterbug_, and boy did they slam it! I'm now joined by the Captain of the Hufflepuff Dance Team, Cedric Diggory! Weren't you dead, mate?"

Cedric winked and gave Lee the Double Thumbs UpTM. "Just pretending!" he grinned.

Lee nodded. "I see. Now – for the scores!"

Fudge held up and five, Tom Cruise gave four and Rita voted six.

"Seems our judges don't like disco!" said Lee, "Hufflepuff sits on 18! But what's this?"

Chuck Norris had raised a ten.

"25 is the final score for Hufflepuff!" cried Lee. "HUFFLEPUFF WINS!"

"Thankyou, Chuck Norris!" said Cedric.

Chuck grinned and gave Just A Normal Single Thumbs UpTM.

"No, thankyou, Cedric Diggory," he replied.

Dumbledore appeared back on the stage and deftly removed the microphone from Lee's fingers, who promptly went off to sulk.

"And that concludes our first Hogwarts Inter-House Dance Off!" he proclaimed loudly. "Thankyou once again to our Judges, our Contestants, and, of course, our Sponsors!"

A large neon Butterbeer advertisement began to flash on the wall behind Dumbledore.

"Thankyou!" said Dumbledore. "And Goodnight!"


	11. Chapter 11

_Chapter Eleven_

The next day Harry awoke quite late. He rubbed his eyes and dressed quickly. Ronnie was waiting for him in the Common Room, playing Chess against herself.

"About time!" she exclaimed when she saw him. "I'm starving, and breakfast is almost over!"

Harry grinned.

"Sorry, Ronnie, let's go. It's probably better this way though – everything will have calmed down and we'll have a nice, quiet day."

But little did Harry know how very wrong he was …

* * *

Harry had just sat down when two owls swooped down to deliver his mail. He feed them some cold bacon and then settled down to read his letters. The first was slightly bulkier than expected and so Harry opened it cautiously. A gift voucher for Quality Quidditch Supplies fell out, along with a note.

"_Please be my friend_," read Harry aloud.

Ronnie looked up from her toast to peer over Harry's shoulder.

"Whoa – a voucher for twenty galleons?! I'd be friends with almost anyone for that!"

"Almost anyone?" queried Harry.

Ronnie nodded. "I wouldn't, for example, be friends with a Dementor, even if they _did _send me a gift voucher."

Harry laughed and opened his other letter, which was just a short note from Sirius inviting Harry and Ronnie down for morning tea. He was about to show it to the other teenager, when Blaise Zabini appeared at their table.

"Hi, Ronnie!" he grinned.

"Hi, Blaise," said Ronnie, unenthusiastically.

"So … want to go to Hogsmead with me next weekend?" he asked hopefully.

"I'm sorry Blaise," Ronnie sighed, "but we've been through this – I don't want to go out with you."

"Is it because I'm black?" asked Zabini. "Because I can change!"

And, to prove it, Blaise squeezed his eyes shut and with a quiet ping! he had become a fair skinned Italian.

"Is that better?" he asked anxiously.

Ronnie shook her head.

"Look, Blaise, I'm really not -"

"Wait!" said Blaise. "Is this better?"

He closed his eyes again and – ping! – became a pretty girl with long blonde hair.

"It's not that I don't -"

"Please Ronnie!" wailed Blaise. "Tell me what I can do to make you fancy me!"

Ronnie shook her head.

"I'm just not into you, Blaise. I'm sorry."

Blaise pinged back into his original form.

"But I can change …" he moaned miserably.

"I know you can, dear," said Ronnie, patting him on the back comfortingly.

"But right now I haven't the time for a relationship, and I really do need to take a good hard look at my sexuality, and I'm getting worried about how whorish Ginny has been since breaking with Dean …"

She shuddered as she remembered what she had taken to calling 'The Crabbe And Goyle Incident'.

Suddenly, Harry had an idea.

"I've suddenly had an idea!" he said excitedly. "Blaise should go out with Ginny!"

Ronnie looked at him as if he was mental.

"Are you mental?" she asked bluntly.

"No, really, it would work!" said Harry. "Ginny looks just like you, Ronnie, so Blaise will get what he wants, and because Ginny is such a whore only dating a Metamorphmagus like Blaise could keep her happy!"

Blaise looked as though he was considering the idea.

"She's really quite nice once you get to know her," said Ronnie.

Blaise nodded.

"Ok," he said, "but I'll always love you, Ronnie."

"Of course you will," said Ronnie, "now, off you go! You've got a whore to find!"

Blaise nodded happily.

"Bye, Ronnie!" he said, and took off in a sprint.

Ronnie sighed and slumped back into her chair.

"Thank Merlin that's over," she said.

Harry nodded and showed her the letter from Sirius.

"Up for a visit to the Pups?" he said.

"Always!" said Ronnie. "They're such little angels! Just let me finish my toast."

"I hate toast," said Harry. "I think they should just give us pudding –"

But before Harry could finish his sentence, there came a loud rumbling from the Entrance Hall.

A first year Hufflepuff came running into the Hall.

"Run for your lives!" he yelled. "The Pudding is coming!"

"Say what?" said Harry, when suddenly approximately two tonnes of chocolate pudding avalanched into the Great Hall.

Harry screamed like a six year old girl and attempted to climb onto the table, before his bench was swept away.

Gryffindor table rocked and bucked on the sea of swirling pudding. Harry watched as Ravenclaw table was swept out the door.

"What are we going to do?" yelled Ronnie over the noise of the pudding and the groans of sea-sick students.

Harry raised his wand and shouted a shrinking spell, but to no avail.

"We're all going to die," he said calmly.

But before he could commence writing his will, the pudding ceased gushing in, and the waves quickly settled.

Louise Frost walked into the Great Hall.

"_Is it suspicious that she's wearing galoshes?"_ thought Ronnie. _"Or is it just the maniacal laughter that's putting me off?"_

* * *

"So," said Sirius as he offered his guests blueberry muffins, "I hear you had an interesting morning?"

"You could say that," grumbled Harry, "but I'd just like to mention that it took three washes to get all that pudding out of my hair."

"He fell over," whispered Ronnie loudly.

Sirius chuckled.

Suddenly they heard the pitter-patter of six sets of tiny feet coming down the hallway towards them.

"Release the Hounds!" cried Remus mischievously as he opened the door and the Pups came bounding in.

"Papa-doggy!" squealed Dorado as she attached herself to Sirius' neck.

"Hey, pup-kids," said Sirius, grinning at his offspring.

Remus grinned as he sat down next to Harry.

"They were chasing Mrs Norris," he confided, "and they nearly got her too."

Harry laughed.

"Good on them!"

"I keep meaning to ask you, Remus," said Ronnie, "where did you come up with their names?"

Remus blinked and looked innocent.

"You don't know?" he said. "I thought they were quite common myself."

Sirius grinned.

"Me too," he thought, "in fact, I'd say they're almost too common!"

Ronnie rolled her eyes.

"Oh, yes," she said, "because lots of people name their kids Eridanus .."

"Eweedanus!" squealed the girl in question.

Remus lifted Fornax into his lap to stop the small boy from chewing on the table leg.

"Up, dada-wolf!" pouted Caelum, raising his arms to Remus, who smiled and complied.

Harry smiled at Ophiuchus who was sitting underneath the coffee table hissing at his sister.

"_Lynx can not speak,"_ he hissed softly.

Ophiuchus looked at Harry with light green eyes and nodded slowly.

"I'm never going to get used to that," said Sirius, shaking his head, "kid's bound for Slytherin."

"I'm not in Slytherin," protested Harry.

Remus winked.

"Yeah, but you should see this one at bath time. He's definitely cunning."

"Speaking of bath time," said Sirius, "you two still up for pup-sitting tonight?"

Ronnie nodded enthusiastically.

"For sure!" she exclaimed.

* * *

Harry and Ronnie trudged down towards Sirius and Remus' house, slightly sore and very tired from their intensive dance practise.

Ronnie yawned widely.

"Why we needed to train to day, I don't know," she said, "but hopefully tonight will be a quiet one."

Harry nodded in agreement as he rubbed his eyes.

"Come in!" said Sirius, flinging open the door.

Harry and Ronnie followed him into the living room as the excitable Animagus sprouted instructions.

"They've all just had their baths, and they've had dinner, so you just have to put them to bed, and read Lynx her story, and make sure Fornax goes to the toilet, and give Ophi his toy snake from the top shelf, and look under the bed for penguins for Caelum, and -"

"Sirius!" broke in Remus. "I'm sure Harry and Ronnie are quite capable of reading one of the twenty-seven lists of instructions you have littered about the house."

Sirius looked slightly abashed.

"Right, ok," said Sirius, "we'll go then."

Remus smiled encouraging at the two teenagers.

"You'll be fine," he said, "we'll be back around twelve."

* * *

"'Night, kids," whispered Harry as he and Ronnie softly closed the door to the Pup's bedroom.

"Great Merlin!" groaned Ronnie as she collapsed heavily on the couch. "I don't think I've ever sung so much in one evening!"

Harry rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"I have **got** to be the only parseltounge in existence to ever hiss _Mary Had A Little Dragon_ to the son of a were-wolf and a dog-man."

"I reckon you've got pretty good odds there," agreed Ronnie.

Harry yawned.

"Well, they're in bed now, so all we have to do is sit here and not fall asleep."

* * *

Harry awoke with a start. _"Where am I?"_ he thought, beginning to panic slightly when he realised that he couldn't actually see.

He began to paw frantically at the obstacle over his eyes.

"Ow!" said Ronnie, quickly moving her hair out of Harry's reach.

Harry blinked.

"Did you just hear something?" he asked.

"No," said Ronnie irritably, "all I noticed was the _immense pain_ resulting from you **pulling** on my hair."

Harry ignored her, and began to listen carefully for anything which might indicate trouble.

"Funny," he said, "I could have sworn I heard something that sounded just like six small pup-kids climbing out their bedroom window to change into dogs and run about outside."

Ronnie rolled her eyes.

"Like that would ever happen," she said, "they're probably fast asleep."

Harry nodded as he made his way to the door leading to the Pup's bedroom.

"Yes, it is highly improbable. I might just go check on them to confirm my wrongness."

He pushed open the door and peered inside.

"Oh, no," he groaned, "Ronnie, they're gone!"

"What!?" cried the red-head as she rushed over to see the empty room for herself.

"We've **got** to find them," said Harry, glancing at the clock.

Ronnie nodded.

"Yes," she said, "and then we need to contact Wizarding World Records to tell them that you were finally right about something."

* * *

"I solemnly swear I'm up to no good," intoned Harry as he tapped his wand to the recently summoned Marauder's Map, and quickly began scouring the parchment for any of the pup-kids.

"No sign," he sighed after a few minutes study, "they're not on Hogwarts Grounds."

Ronnie looked up from where she had been examining her wand.

"_Point Me_ isn't helping at all," she said.

"Right," said Harry, "it's time to do this the Muggle way."

"What?" said Ronnie. "You want to do it the _Muggle_ way? And just where are we going to find a helicopter and a TV crew at this time of the night?"

Harry hung his head.

"Oh alright, we'll just go walk around Hogsmead then."

* * *

"I'm not going in there! You can't make me!"

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Come on, Ronnie, it's the only place we haven't checked. Plus, it's called _'The Friendly Forest'_ – they wouldn't have named it that if there was anything in there that could hurt us!"

Ronnie stared at him.

"You have some serious memory problems, Harry. And I'm still not going in there."

"Alright," said Harry, "you stay here then, **I'm** going in."

Ronnie did a strange little jig as she watched her friend walk into the forest. Then she groaned and ran in after him.

"I knew you'd come around," grinned Harry.

"If I walk out of here dead, Harry Potter, I swear I will kill you," replied Ronnie.

* * *

"Here puppy-kids, puppy-kids, puppy-kids!" called Harry loudly.

Behind him, the bushes began to rustle. Harry grinned widely at the very nervous Ronnie standing beside him.

Suddenly Ronnie paled and began to stammer incoherently. Harry felt the grin slide off his face as he turned to face one of Aragog's larger offspring.

"Oh, shit," he muttered.

Ronnie squeaked in agreement.

The Acromantula began to stalk towards them.

* * *

"So," said Sirius, "how'd you go? Any problems?"

Harry and Ronnie exchanged glances.

"Nope!" Ronnie finally answered. "Smooth sailing all 'round!"

* * *

As the two friends got ready for bed, Harry could feel Ronnie glaring at his back. He turned to face his best friend, and wilted a little at the look on her face.

"I am never, ever going into that forest ever again, even if you do run in before me. Because it's not every day that the _giant spider_ that wants to **eat **you, _trips _and knocks itself unconscious. And it's probably _even more_ rarely that hero-worshipping centaurs help you find six small children who have the ability to transform into wolves that you were meant to be watching. And it's **pretty damn near never** that a travelling herd of thestrals agree to fly said children back home so that their parents wouldn't know that their children had spent the evening running through the forest!"

Harry ducked his head.

"Yes, Ronnie."


	12. Chapter 12

_Chapter Twelve_

Monday morning saw a sight quite uncommon to Hogwarts occurring in the halls. Harry Potter, who had apparently had a late night, had walked straight into Draco Malfoy, who, for some reason, was walking in the opposite direction to every body else. Students quickly arranged themselves around the boys, shuffling about so that they were all guaranteed a good look at the action.

"I love this bit!" whispered Patience Hodges to another first year. "The older students told me all about it – it's educational, and violent. But mostly violent!"

"YAY VIOLENCE!" cried the first years in unison.

Draco sneered.

"Potter," he said.

"Malfoy," replied Harry.

Theodore Nott rolled his eyes. "So original," he muttered.

The two teenagers glared at each other, both seemingly the rivals the large crowd thought them to be. But, unbeknownst to the other students, each boy was battling internal demons and each insult from their mouths was like a knife to the heart.

Colin Creevy nodded and fiddled with his spacer.

"I, like, totally agree, this scene is just so angst-worthy."

"Uhhh … I'm better than you, Potter, you … silly jug head …"

"Errr, no you're not, Malfoy, you … you … you …"

"They're not up to their usual standard," whispered Terry Boot to Padma Patil, who nodded sadly.

Harry racked his brain, attempting to come up with an insult to use against his crush. His brain sniggered. _Watch this, Potter!_

"… you … you … complete and utter sex god."

Draco's eyes looked like they might forcibly exit his skull. The crowd gasped in shock and pleasure. Harry's brain continued to snigger. _Freudian Slip! That's for never using me, you pillock._

"What did you just call me?" asked Draco, so quietly that the assorted students barely heard him.

The other boy had turned so red that Rudolph's nose paled in comparison.

"A complete and utter sex god," said Harry, against all of his little used self-preservation instincts.

Malfoy stepped closer, a strange look in his eyes.

"_OMG HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!"_ thought Harry, but it seemed that his feet were rooted to the floor.

Draco grabbed Harry's tie and pinned him to the wall. The crowd immediately began exchanging bets on who would be the first to be rendered unconscious.

Harry was finding it very difficult to breathe while Malfoy's face was so close to his own. He winced, waiting for his nose to be broken.

But, suddenly, soft violin music starting playing and Harry realised that Draco's stormy grey eyes didn't look homicidal.

"Thankyou," whispered Draco as he pressed his soft lips against Harry's.

The crowd awwwww-ed; the author quickly shot her romantic side, and then continued writing.

"_This is obviously a dream,"_ thought Harry, _"I guess I might as well go ahead and enjoy it."_

Draco gasped as he felt Harry simultaneously put the tongue in and squeeze his arse.

"_Sweet!"_ thought Seamus. "_We're **finally** going to see some gay lover action!"_

The crowd watched, stunned, as Harry started to remove Draco's shirt as he sucked upon the blonde's earlobe. Draco moaned and Harry took that as an invitation to move his wandering hands lower.

Lavender Brown fainted. Harry looked slightly confused.

"That doesn't usually happen in my dreams," he said.

"That's because this isn't a dream," stated a nearby portrait of a woman with a typewriter, fanning her flushed face.

"_OMG,"_ thought Harry, _"I'M ACTUALLY REALLY KISSING DRACO MALFOY IN FRONT OF A HUGE CROWD CONSISTING OF THE MAJORITY OF OUR SCHOOL … sweet!"_

"So, Draco," said Harry aloud, "fancy a shag?"

Draco nodded frantically, words apparently abandoning him.

Neither boy made it to breakfast that morning.

* * *

_Author's Note: Sadly, the chapter in which I explained in extreme detail what exactly Draco and Harry got up to that morning has been confiscated by Dolores Umbridge, who has threatened to sick a Dementor on me should I reveal to the general public what that chapter contains. Apparently, it's a new Ministry Education Degree that teenagers should not be able to read hot gay sex when they could be doing productive things such as writing textbooks, knitting socks and caring for Flobberworms. Bollocks, I say, but then again, I've grown quite fond of my soul. So, instead of reading about Harry and Draco, let's just view some quick side scenes from the lives of some of the other totally fictional characters, shall we?_

* * *

Blaise sprinted from the Great Hall, keen to find Ginny and fulfil his fantasy of, ahem, _holding hands _with a natural red-head.

He quickly found the girl he was looking for, standing on the corner of the hallways to the Library and the History Of Magic classroom.

"Hey, Zabini," said Ginny, reapplying her hot pink lipstick, "you wanna go?"

Blaise nodded.

"Will you go out with me?" he said. "I'm a Metamorphmagus and I'm obscenely rich so you'd never need to whore again!"

Ginny looked thoughtful as she considered this proposal.

"Can you change into Hugh Jackman?"

Blaise nodded eagerly. Ginny grinned and flicked her hair.

"You've got yourself a whore!" she said happily.

Blaise smiled, now all he had to do was remember not to call her Ronnie.

* * *

River Tan smiled serenely as she rubbed soup into the hair of her fellow Ravenclaws.

Luna Lovegood tapped her on the shoulder.

"I like your style," she said dreamily, "will you be my friend?"

River nodded.

"Sure."

The two girls grinned at each other and then skipped off to search for spiny-eyebrowed larmsters, leaving a table of slightly scared and distinctly soppy classmates in their wake.

* * *

Crookshanks meowed as he made his way through a high spirited dance routine, feeling quite proud of himself for getting the lead role in the new play the Muggle Studies Professor was directing.

"NO, NO, NO!" interrupted the professor in question. "It's shuffle-shuffle, side step, heel/toe, turn, shuffle, step – not shuffle-shuffle, side step, heel/toe, _skip_, shuffle, step! Great Merlin – why on earth did I ever want to work with Cats?"

Crookshanks rolled his eyes.

"_This is the last time I ever work with Webber,"_ he thought.

* * *

"Oh! Oh! Sirius! Yes! Go you good thing!" cried Remus.

Suddenly there came a pounding on their bedroom door.

"Daddy-wolf! Papa-doggy! Ophi stole my noodles!"

Remus groaned.

Sirius sighed.

"Just when I was getting to the best bit" he muttered, the words slightly slurred due to his otherwise occupied mouth.

Remus rolled off the bed.

"Come on, Padfoot, we can have our éclair eating competition later."

* * *

"Wormtail," hissed The-Wizard-Formerly-Known-As-Tom, "my plan concerning Harry Potter has not been achieving the success I demand."

Pettigrew simpered.

His Master looked thoughtful.

"Our next attempt shall have some tie to his Muggle heritage," he said.

Peter turned into a rat and ran about the floor attempting to catch his own tail.

Voldemort rolled his red eyes.

"Why do I even bother?"

* * *

Albus Dumbledore scowled into his hand mirror.

"I have …"

He leant in closer to the reflection to better examine the skin around his right eye.

"… _another_ wrinkle."

He glared at the offending line.

"The boys at the club are going to love this."

An exasperated sigh came from his bed.

"Come to bed, Albus," said the person laying in it.

The Great WizardTM pouted and looked closer into his mirror.

"No," he huffed, "I wish to sulk."

His lover sighed again.

"You do this every night."

Albus grumbled, no longer listening.

"Damn that Dorian Grey."

* * *

Rachel Grey drooled as she walked slowly behind Professor Severus Snape.

Louise Frost checked her watch.

"You're acting distinctly more stalkerish than usual, Rachel. Do you realize we've been watching Snape glide about evilly for almost an hour now?"

Rachel nodded, her face oddly slack.

"Yuh-huh, but it's not everyday that I can watch him glide about naked."

Louise blinked.

"Say what?"

"I invented a neat little potion which renders the drinker naked to all those aware of it. I call it the _King's New Cloak Elixir_ and I slipped some into the Anti-Psychotic Professor "Evil Bitch" Granger makes poor Sevvy-Poo take every morning."

"You really shouldn't –"

Louise accidentally glanced at her now de-clothed Potions teacher.

"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Oh my eyes! I'm **blind**! The image of his snow-whiteness is burnt onto my retina forever!"

Louise attempted to shield her eyes as Severus turned around to glare at her.

"Ten points from Ravenclaw for making a public nuisance of yourself."

Louise whimpered.

"My eyes …" she whispered.

"And you, Ms Grey, do try and cease your drooling."

Rachel continued to look at her teacher with a glazed look on her face.

Severus drew his robes around him in a futile attempt to stop his student's staring.

"Go to class," he snapped and stalked off.

"Class isn't for another hour," moaned Louise.

Rachel grinned.

"I have Potions first period."


	13. Chapter 13

_Chapter Thirteen_

Ronnie sat in Potion, sulking slightly.

"Why did Harry have to go and abandon me like that? He _knows_ I get indigestion from all Dean's flirting, and having hot sex with your crush is _no reason_ to leave your friends behind!"

Rachel Grey, who had just entered the classroom, looked at her strangely.

"Who are you kidding?" she said. "It's a bloody fantastic reason!"

Ronnie sighed.

"Yeah, I know. Why are you so happy this morning anyway?"

Rachel's eyes began to glaze over and she smiled sillily.

"I gave Snape some of my King's New Cloak Elixir," she said happily.

Ronnie opened her mouth to ask just what the purpose of that particular potion was, when the Professor in question entered the classroom.

Ronnie gagged.

"Oh, Great Merlin," she choked.

Rachel licked her lips.

Snape glared.

Ronnie fainted.

* * *

Slowly, the word spread through the school that Snape had ingested a strange new potion. The Hospital Wing was getting very full as huge numbers of students were rushed in for treatment of blood noses, nausea, fainting, dizzy spells and bruised jaws.

Rachel Grey scratched her head, puzzled.

"People don't seem to be enjoying this as much as I am," she said.

Louise Frost, who was currently wearing a blindfold, grimaced.

"That would be because _most_ people didn't ever want to know what 'Little Severus' looks like," she replied.

Up at the Staff Table, Professor Sprout leant over to whisper something in Dumbledore's ear.

The Headmaster gave a Level Two eye twinkle and turned to smile at the Potions Master.

"Severus, my dear boy," he said, "I do believe you could use a few days at the seaside!"

* * *

Tuesday morning arrived, and brought with it the re-emergence of Harry and Draco, who both seemed tired, sore and very pleased with themselves.

Colin let a single tear fall into his porridge.

"Oh, Harry," he whispered, and then moped off to take arty and depressing MySpace photos.

Ronnie shook her head in amusement as she watched Harry try to eat while staring at Draco, and passed him a serviette with which to wipe the jam from his nose.

Dumbledore stood up and spread his arms wide.

"Good morning, everybody! I have decided to host a Family Picnic, here at Hogwarts, on the first of October – just for the hell of it!"

The students clapped happily as their Headmaster continued talking.

"We've already sent out your invitations, so all you have to do is put your lunch requests in this!"

He held up a roughly hand-carved wooden cup.

"Isn't that the Goblet of Fire?" asked Harry.

Draco nodded.

"Looks like it, pudding."

The two boys smiled soppily at each other.

Dean Thomas threw up.

Dumbledore gave his students a Level One eye twinkle.

"Now," he said, "off to class with you all!"

Ronnie checked her timetable.

"Come on, Romeo," she said, "we've got Charms."

"I'll miss you, Sugar Pie," whispered Harry as he nibbled Draco's ear.

Dean Thomas threw up.

* * *

Harry sighed. Charms were so easy.

Ronnie groaned.

"Why can't I get this pineapple to tap-dance?" she muttered.

She looked over to Harry's pineapple which was performing a high energy solo to 'Singing In The Rain'.

Flitwick hummed as he graded each student's dancing charms.

"Well done, Mr Potter!" he squeaked. "It appears you've inherited your mother's aptitude for this particular subject!"

Harry attempted to look modest and failed spectacularly.

Ronnie grumbled and scowled at her pineapple, which was only managing a jerky ring-around-the-rosy.

"Stupid fruit."

* * *

As Ronnie and Harry made their way to the next class they passed Remus, who was standing awkwardly outside the Library entrance.

"Alright, Professor?" asked Ronnie.

Remus rubbed the back of his head.

"Yes," he said, "I'm just waiting for Sirius."

Harry blinked.

"Sirius reads?!"

Remus shuffled his feet and looked uncomfortable.

"Well, no, not as such," he admitted, "but I'm banned from the Library."

Ronnie giggled.

"How did you manage that?"

Remus frowned.

"It all started back in 1977, when I was working on an extra credit History of Magic scroll …"

…_flashback…_

An adolescent Remus Lupin sat at a Library table, almost completely surrounded by huge piles of books on The Goblin Wars. He bopped his shaggy head as he read, caught up in the sounds of 'Strawberry Fields'.

A shadow was suddenly cast across his desk and he looked up to see several Slytherin students, all wearing sparkly disco flares.

"The Beatles," sneered Lucius Malfoy, "are so last decade. Haven't you heard that the Bee Gees are what everyone's talking about?"

Behind the blonde, Bellatrix Black and Rudolphus Lestrange performed at quick 'Stayin' In The Light' dance move.

Remus glared at them from below his heavy fringe.

"Yeah," chimed in Regulas Black, who was projecting extreme tag-along vibes.

Lucius flicked his hair.

"The Beatles aren't any good anyway," he said maliciously.

Remus gasped.

"You take that back!" he demanded.

"Or what?" said Lucius. "You'll form a Beatles Are Losers support group?"

"OOOOOOOOOO," said his cronies.

Remus stood up slowly.

"Walk away, Malfoy," he said, "or I may be forced to do something you'll regret."

Lucius sneered.

"Like what?" he drawled. "As long as poor musical taste isn't contagious I don't think I have anything to fear."

Goyle sniggered.

Remus gave a loud war cry and flung himself across the table at Lucius.

The blonde gave a distinctly feminine squeak as he was tackled to the ground.

"Help!" cried Regulas, and ran off.

"_Behave yourself, Junior_," growled Remus as he delivered a swift fist to Malfoy's nose.

"Lucius!" cried Bellatrix. "_Let me be your bodyguard!_"

"Eeeep!" said Lucius, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. "_I can't see nobody!_"

"Enough with the singing," said Rosier, "let's get him boys!"

Madam Pince was happily adjusting her finger-removal curses (for those who dog-eared pages) when she heard a loud _CRASHBANGWALLOP_ coming from the History of Smelly Creatures section.

She sped around the corner, her glasses chain flapping, and gasped at the sight of Remus Lupin hitting Lucius Malfoy over the head with _1008 Things You Never Really Wanted To Know About Goblins_ while bitchslapping Goyle, Crabbe, Lestrange and Rosier with his free hand whenever they happened to get too close. Bellatrix Black was sobbing under a table.

"I broke a nail," she wailed on seeing Madame Pince, and then quickly went back to feeling sorry for herself.

"MR LUPIN!" roared the Librarian. "WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

All six boys froze in their places and looked sheepishly at the woman towering over them.

"Ummm … studying?" replied Remus hopefully.

Madame Pince turned a frightening shade of puce.

"Using books to beat another student unconscious is AGAINST THE RULES!" she screeched.

… _end flashback …_

Remus sighed.

"And that's why I'm banned from the Library."

Ronnie patted him on the back sympathetically.

Harry shook his head sadly. "Whoever thought that Rule 357 would ever come into use?" he wondered.

Sirius emerged from the Library with an enormous arm load full of books and a shifty expression.

"Quick!" he said, hurriedly shuffling up the hallway. "I think she suspected something!"

Remus sighed again.

"Oh, the humanity."


	14. Chapter 14

_Chapter Fourteen_

The Gryffindor 'boys' walked stiffly up to their dormitory, desperately in need of a shower before their next class.

Dean groaned.

"I never want to re-pot another Howling Marigold as long as I live," he muttered.

Ronnie nodded in agreement as she picked dirt out from underneath her fingernails.

Harry scratched his head and caused a small avalanche of potting mix.

* * *

Seamus sighed happily as the shower washed the dirt from his face.

"This is the best thing since self-slicing bread," he said.

Murmurs of agreement echoed around the communal bathroom.

But, suddenly, their happy sounds were replaced with screams of terror as the water turned a dull red …

* * *

Word spread quickly that the showers in Hogwarts rained blood. Rachel Grey ran to the nearest tap and began to drink the liquid that dripped from it.

"Hey! This isn't blood!" she exclaimed indignantly. "It's just red cordial! Bollocks!"

"Oh …" she said belatedly, noticing that she was receiving some odd stares, "I mean, hooray! The plumbing _isn't_ filled with the bodily fluids of humans!"

And everybody smiled and nodded and continued on with their education.

* * *

After an uneventful lunch, Ronnie, Harry and Draco made their way to Potions, their progress hindered by other students occasionally forgetting to breathe in the presence of so much Rippling Quidditch Toned MusclesTM, and thus passing out in all kinds of inconvenient positions.

Draco sneered. "You'd think that they'd never seen two really, really ridiculously good looking guys before, wouldn't you?"

Harry grinned, and several students got blood noses.

Ronnie shook her head as she ushered her two friends into the Potions classroom. Because she and Draco had never really hated each other – they had just been Just PretendingTM!

Almost immediately after they were seated, Severus swept into the room, flicking back his ebony hair as he did so.

"Today," he began, "we will be brewing Felix Felicis, the most powerful plot device … I mean, luck potion invented to date."

He flicked his hand and detailed instructions appeared on the board.

Snape looked smug.

"That's right," he said, "that was wandless magic. So, not only am I am Master Occlumens, a Master Legilimens, the best Potions Master in Europe _and_ the new face of Pantene Pro-V, I can _also_ perform magic without the need for a wand. Your arses are so totally **whipped**."

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Looks like he got some last night," he whispered to Draco.

Draco smirked and raised his hand, ignoring Harry's suddenly anxious spluttering.

"Yes, Draco?" said Severus.

"Is it true that you got –"

Suddenly the door slammed open, rendering the rest of Draco's sentence inaudible.

Snape glared at Rachel Grey, who was now dragging a large bloody corpse into the classroom.

"Look what I found, Sir!" she exclaimed happily. "A Re'em!" Their blood is a vital part of strength potions – which we're doing next week!"

Snape continued to glare.

"Miss Grey," he said, his voice frosty, "you are ten minutes late. Sit down."

"But, Sir!" said Rachel. "A Re'em!"

"Now!" snapped Severus. "Or you'll be receiving a detention."

Rachel grinned.

"A detention, Sir?"

She looked up at him through lowered eyelashes and began walking slowly towards the Potions Master.

"I have been _very_ bad, haven't I, Sir?"

Snape seemed to have difficulty swallowing.

"No," he said, in a voice distinctly higher than usual, "no detention, just … just … sit down."

Rachel pouted, but did as she was told.

Severus looked at the large golden ox body which currently resided in the middle of his classroom and then banished it to his private laboratory.

"Well?" he said to his class, most of whom were looking nervously at the large pool of amber coloured blood left behind. "Get to work!"

* * *

Harry sat down heavily in his usual seat and pulled out his History Of Magic textbook.

"How you doing?" said a strange voice.

Harry looked around confusedly.

"Huh?" he said.

"Eloquent as usual," said Ronnie as she took her seat.

"Hey, baby, what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?" said another voice.

"History Of Magic," said Ronnie cautiously, looking around to find the origin of the voice.

Hannah Abbott took her seat and a loud wolf whistle pierced the air. She scowled at Seamus, who was just sitting down.

"My place or yours?" said yet another voice.

The four students look around the classroom, getting more and more confused.

A few more people arrived and sat down.

"What's your sign?"

"Was your father a thief? Because you've stolen my heart."

"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"

"Where are they coming from?" whispered Ronnie.

Corny pickup line after corny pickup line filled the air as students continued seating themselves.

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."

Professor Lupin walked in and sat at his desk.

"I hope you know CPR, baby, coz you take my breath away."

Professor Lupin looked confused.

"What?" he said.

Blaise Zabini raised his hand.

"Sir," he said, "my desk is hitting on me."

* * *

Whoever was orchestrating the pranks seemed to be on a roll, for as the days went by the frequency started increasing.

It wasn't uncommon to see students with their hands glued to doorknobs, or candles replaced with disco balls.

The moving staircases seemed to have been supercharged and no door would open unless it received a performance of the Time Warp first.

On one memorable day, all the first years were turned into clocks; and on another, Draco Malfoy found that whenever somebody sneezed near him he would instantly lose all his clothing.

Several girls were later seen actively trying to catch pneumonia.

However, it was a quiet Friday morning when it appeared the Prankster had finally gone too far …

Ronnie grinned as she took her usual seat at breakfast.

"Scrambled eggs!" she exclaimed happily. "My favourite!"

She quickly piled her plate full with the eggs and reached for her fork.

KABOOM!

The eggs suddenly exploded in a shower of pink sparkles and golden ribbons. Several people got whiplash as they turned to view the furious red-head of Gryffindor table.

Ronnie picked a single golden ribbon from her hair.

The Great Hall held its breath.

"This," said Ronnie quietly, "has gone far enough."

She rose from her seat, all eyes in the Hall glued to her every move.

"NOBODY MESSES WITH MY EGGS!" she roared.

"HARRY!"

The boy in question whimpered and attempted to hide behind his boyfriend.

Ronnie whirled around, her fiery hair billowing out behind her.

"IT'S TIME TO CALL IN THE TWINS!"


	15. Chapter 15

_Chapter Fifteen_

T'was the night before the Family Picnic; there was quiet in Hogwarts. Only two were stirring, and they weren't mousey-sorts.

Louise Frost winced.

"What's wrong?" asked Rachel Grey.

Louise shook her head.

"I just had the most awful bit of intertextual pose run through my head."

Rachel nodded absently and held up a small phial.

"I think this should work," she said.

Louise read the instructions listed in the textbook before her.

"Well, I'm no potions prodigy," she said, as Rachel grinned smugly, "but it looks pretty good to me."

Rachel rubbed her hands together and cackled evilly.

"Soon he will be mine! All mine!"

Her cackling soon expanded into full blown maniacal laughter.

Louise rolled her eyes.

"Whatcha gonna do next, Rachel? Give yourself a lame-arse name and get a pet snake?"

* * *

Harry squeezed Draco's hand as they navigated their way through the crowds that made up the Family Picnic.

"Don't worry, love," he said, "the Dursleys' will love you."

Draco fluttered his long, pale eyelashes.

"I _do_ love it when you call me that – it's so very English and doesn't make me think of a sad, unfulfilled middle-aged couple that stopped having sex twelve years ago at all!"

Harry grinned.

"Good-o."

* * *

Harry spotted his family and waved happily.

"There they are, Drake!"

"Oh, I love that name too! It really _doesn't_ make me want to look around for male ducks!"

* * *

"Pleasure to meet you, Draco," said Uncle Vernon, shaking his nephew's boyfriend's hand.

Dudley gaped. The blonde was HOT! And talking to him!

"Quick!" said Dudley's brain. "Say something intelligent!"

"Gahhhh," said Dudley, drooling slightly.

Draco raised an eyebrow.

"I can see the family resemblance."

Aunt Petunia tittered happily.

* * *

"Mams and Sirs!" said a kilt-clad Dobby. "Time for lunch it is!"

The small, green, wrinkled House-Elf that had appeared in an earlier chapter scowled at Dobby.

"Sue your arse I will," he said threatening.

Dobby gulped.

"Lunch!" he squeaked, and quickly popped away.

* * *

"Right," said Ronnie tensely, "there is an egg exploder around here somewhere boys, and it's your job to catch them."

Fred and George saluted their younger sibling.

"Will do!" they said in unison, and with lovely British accents.

"Now," said Fred, "if I was a prank master extraordinaire –"

"- which we are –" inserted George.

" – I would be –"

" – behind the Broomstick Shed!"

The twins grinned at each other and stealthily made their way to the Broomstick Shed.

* * *

Louise looked around her, a puzzled expression on her face.

"I could have sworn I heard somebody humming the Mission Impossible theme song …" she said.

But, shrugging, she dismissed the idea and re-commenced transfiguring grass into purple emus.

Suddenly, she felt a hand on each of her shoulders.

"Aha!" said two voices in unison. "We've caught the prankster!"

"D'Arvit!" muttered Louise. "Foiled!"

She spun around to face her capturers.

Three sets of blue eyes met and something magical passed between them.

"I think –" said George.

"- I just fell in love." finished Fred.

"OHMIGAWDTWINS!" squeaked Louise, and then promptly passed out from the hotness of it all.

Twin looked at twin.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Twin One?" said Fred quietly.

George nodded.

"I think I am, Twin Two."

"IT'S KIDNAPPING TIME!"

George hoisted Louise onto his shoulder.

"To the Weasley Mobile!" cried Fred, pulling out his wand.

And, with a few prods to the right bricks, the back of the Broomstick Shed merged itself into the entrance of a Very Secret TunnelTM.

The two red-heads and their unconscious quarry cannonballed down the tunnel, navigating the hairpin turns with expert ease, before coming to a sudden halt in a spacious room; which was empty aside from a Mysterious Covered ObjectTM.

Fred whipped off the purple cover with a flourish to reveal … a bicycle built for two!

"To Weasley's Wizard Weezes!" cried George, and, with that, the teens were pedalling their way over the Scottish countryside to London.

* * *

Rachel Grey groaned as she absently watched what looked like a flying bicycle vanish out of view over the Friendly Forest.

"Where's Louise when I need her?" she muttered, and turned her attention back to the matter in hand.

"Dorian," ground out the Headmaster.

"Albus," replied Rachel's father tensely.

The two men then proceeded to glare at each other.

Rachel rolled her eyes and adjusted her large, broad brimmed hat.

* * *

In another area of the Family Picnic, Hermione Granger sipped a chilled glass of pumpkin juice.

"This juice tastes funny," she said, wrinkling up her perfectly proportioned nose.

But she drank it anyway.

* * *

A few hours passed and Rachel Grey wandered back to where her father and her Headmaster were still glaring at each other.

"So, who's for croquet?" she said brightly.

The men gave no sign that they had heard her, or even recognised her presence, and continued to stare.

"Ha!" said Dorian suddenly, snapping his fingers before Dumbledore's face. "You blinked! I win!"

Albus gritted his teeth.

"I'm a good guy," he thought, "I really _don't_ want to AK him."

But still his fingers twitched …

* * *

Remus and Sirius sat happily on their picnic rug, eating tuna sandwiches, watching their offspring play and listening to the Wizarding World Wireless.

"Oh!" said Remus suddenly, and leant over the adjust the volume. "It's our song, Siri-baby!"

"_I'm on the hunt, I'm after you,_" sung Sirius.

He growled playfully.

"Up for a quick shag, Moony?"

Remus threw his sandwich over his shoulder, where it quickly collided with the back of Colin Creevey's head.

"Let's go," he growled.

"Kids!" he added, in a much less seductive tone, "Make sure you stay where Harry and Draco can see you!"

The pup-kids nodded and resumed their game of tag.

Sirius scooped up his lover and winked.

"Kitchen table?" he said.

"You know me too well," replied Remus, as they disappeared so quickly you'd think that they'd disapparated.

Only you can't do that on Hogwarts' Grounds.

Hermione nodded proudly.

"Glad to see I'm not the only one who's read Hogwarts: A History," she said.

* * *

Harry and Draco paused in their discussion on the Appleby Arrows vs. the Wigtown Wanderers as a large shadow passed over them.

Harry shielded his eyes from the sun as he looked upwards.

"Oh, hello Neville," he said.

"Hi," said Neville/Alex, "I just wanted you to meet my uncle – Ian Rider, Very Secret MI6 Agent!"

Harry nodded to the tall man who stood beside his classmate.

"Nice to meet you," he said.

Neville/Alex looked slightly disappointed.

"Does the name Obi-Wan Kenobi mean anything to you?"

Harry and Draco shook their heads.

"Bollocks," muttered Neville/Alex.

"What's that small silver cylinder with the red button on the side hanging off your belt?" asked Draco.

"Ahhh … it's a … different type of wand …" replied Mr Rider.

"Oh yes?" said Draco. "Do show us."

Harry blinked at the bright blue light that shot out of Mr Rider's 'wand' with a quiet _snap-hiss_.

"Whoa!" he said. "It's so shiny!"

Draco nodded and turned to face Neville/Alex's uncle again.

"You're obviously gay," he said, "and compensating for something."

* * *

Ronnie plopped down on Harry and Draco's picnic rug.

"I can't find Fred and George anywhere," she pouted, "they went to find the prankster and I haven't seen them since!"

"Hmmm," said Draco, "have you checked behind the Broomstick Shed?"

Ronnie nodded.

"Yes, but all I found were some purple emus."

Harry shrugged.

"I'm sure they'll show up," he said, "they've probably already caught the prankster and are busy punishing them."

"They have been gone an awful long time though," said Ronnie, unconvinced.

"Probably just driving the point home," reassured Harry.

"Hey, look at Grey," said Draco suddenly.

Harry and Ronnie turned to watch the girl in question.

"Whoa," muttered Harry, "that sure is a big hat."

"There must be a foot of shade on all sides of her!" said Draco, impressed.

"I wonder what it's for?" mused Ronnie.

Harry shrugged. "Dunno."

"I guess she could be a vampire and the hat is to prevent her from burning up in the dim British sunlight," suggested Draco.

Harry and Ronnie glanced at each other, and promptly dissolved into fits of laughter.

"No offence, Draco," said Ronnie, when she had calmed down a bit, "but that's about as likely as Grawp running from Minister Of Magic -"

" – and winning!" chimed in Harry, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.

Draco pouted.

"Who's Grawp anyway?" he grumbled.

But before either of his companions could reply, a large snowy owl swooped from the sky and began attacking Harry's mop of jet-black hair.

"Ow!" shrieked Harry, "what in Merlin's name is _wrong_ with you, Hedwig?!"

The bird in question peered over Harry's head so that she was thus able to glare at him.

"Inconsiderate boy!" she screeched. "You haven't been to visit me for _weeks_! **And** you forgot my birthday!"

"I didn't!" winced Harry. "I was just busy trying to organise a surprise party for you!"

Hedwig appeared mollified by his reply, which, on a side note, wasn't actually true.

"Good lad," she chirped, and flew off as quickly as she had arrived.

"What. The. Hell?!" stated Draco, conveniently forgetting that he'd never even _heard_ of religion before.

Harry rubbed his head gingerly.

"Blasted bird," he muttered.

"Harry," said Ronnie, in a tone that implied that she was about to imitate a Howler, "mind telling us when you apparently gained the ability to speak Ornothovokels?"

"Say what?" said Harry, still rubbing his head.

"You spoke Owl!" yelled Draco.

"Stop being such a drama queen," said Harry, "so I'm awesome in yet another aspect – it's hardly surprising."

Draco scowled and flicked his hair.

"I am _not_ a drama queen," he pouted.

"Yes, Draco," said Ronnie, in a tone that indicated that she thought the boy had a comprehension level similar to that of a flobberworm, "you are."

Draco pouted a little bit more.

Ronnie sighed.

"I guess you're right though, Harry," she said, "being overly magical seems to be something that just comes naturally to you."

"Unlike any sense of fashion," added Draco, eyeing Harry's sweater, "which seems to have avoided you completely."


	16. Chapter 16

_Chapter Sixteen_

The week following the Family Picnic was one of the quietest Hogwarts had seen for a long time. Ronnie smiled happily as she ate her scrambled eggs.

"This is great," she said to nobody in particular, "not a single prank all week! Fred and George sure delivered this time 'round!"

Harry nodded absentmindedly as he studied the parchment laid out before him. He chewed the end of his quill anxiously.

"Who _do_ I invite to this party?" he muttered.

Draco peered over his shoulder and scanned the messy handwriting which littered the page.

"Seems like a good start," he drawled, "but I could have these plans done in five minutes."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, you could, could you?" he asked sardonically. "Well, off you go then."

Draco smirked and plucked the quill from Harry's hand.

'_Invite,'_ he wrote, _'all Hogwarts staff, students, ghosts, magical creatures and other residents.'_

He then folded the sheet neatly and cleared his throat. Immediately a small House-Elf appeared beside him.

"Master Draco calls Leggy?"

Draco nodded.

"Yes, I have here a list of persons to be invited to a surprise party for Hedwig the owl. Kindly distribute invitations and prepare catering and decorations for a start at six o'clock next Friday evening in the old Charms classroom. You may need to enlarge it."

Leggy bowed deeply and tucked the list inside his toga-style pillow-case.

"Master Draco is very good to be trusting Leggy, sir! Leggy will be working extra hard for Master Draco!"

Draco nodded.

"Thankyou Leggy, you are dismissed."

The Elf disappeared with a crack.

Harry gaped at Draco, who was currently looking very smug.

"You," he said, when he had finally found his voice again, "are a git."

Draco smirked.

"I know," he said, "super, isn't it?"

Suddenly a large package landed heavily on the table before Harry and Draco, causing several first years to fall off their benches.

Harry picked up the card resting on top of the parcel.

"Deliver to Ms. Rachel Grey," he read aloud, "one full size IKEA coffin for two."

"Huh," said Ronnie, "that's not suspicious at all."

"Let's open it!" suggested Draco eagerly.

"NO!" said Rachel Grey, snatching the parcel away from the blonde's outstretched hands. "I need this!"

"What for?" asked Draco slyly.

"Uhh .. for my .. pet … hamster," said Rachel, "he died from complications due to … lamingtons."

"Oh," said Harry, "that makes sense."

Rachel nodded frantically.

"Yes, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go bury … er … Spike … poor little mite …"

She appeared to wipe a tear from her left eye, and then quickly exited the Great Hall.

"Hmmm …" said Draco, "something doesn't add up here …"

"How would you know?" asked Harry, who was piling his plate with pancakes. "You didn't even go to school until you were eleven."

* * *

"Wow," said Harry, "I can't believe it's Friday evening already."

Ronnie nodded wisely.

"The Author probably couldn't think of much else to write about."

"Who?" said Harry.

"Never mind," replied Ronnie.

Draco toddled towards the two talking teenagers.

"Firewhisky?" he offered, unaware that he had ruined a nice little bit of alliteration.

"Sure," said Harry, "you know, Draco, this party turned out quite well."

Draco preened.

Suddenly, something on the opposite side of the room caught Ronnie's eye.

"Oh," she said, "something on the opposite side of the room caught my eye."

"What?" said Harry as Draco continued preening.

Ronnie turned to face the other side of the room, her hair flicking out behind her like a carpet of fire.

The only two straight guys in the room got blood noses.

The crowd parted and the DJ quickly lead into a romantic violin solo album.

"Oh," swooned Ronnie.

For, over on the opposite side of the room, in a huge bathtub, was the Giant Squid.

As if in a dream, Ronnie made her way over to the huge crustacean.

"Hi," she said breathlessly, "I'm Ronnie."

"Jarred," said the Squid, extending one huge tentacle.

* * *

Meanwhile, Rachel Grey was sitting in the Library, getting increasingly frustrated due to some incredibly unintelligible construction instructions.

"There **is** no part K-2/VII!" she howled, throwing the booklet down on the table. "I wish Louise was here – she knows how these IKEA folk think!"

She buried her face in her hands in annoyance.

A large pigeon took this opportunity to land on her head, and drop a small scroll onto the table.

Rachel absentmindedly shooed the bird away, distracted by the sparkly pink ink used to address the letter.

"There's only one person that cheery who'd be sending letters to me," she muttered.

She quickly smoothed out the parchment and began to read the letter aloud.

"Rachel! Hi! Sorry I left without telling you, but I was kidnapped. Don't worry though, we've come to an agreement and I'll be back at school sometime in the next three months. Anyway, I've got to go whip someone, but I'll talk to you later. From Louise."

Rachel blinked.

"What the hell has she been _doing_ for the last two weeks?"

_two weeks ago_

Louise woke up and groaned loudly.

"Mornings," she grumbled, "I hate mornings."

She sat up, rubbed her head and then blinked in surprise as she took in the green and purple diamond-patterned wallpaper, the peacock blue carpet, the orange sheepskin rug and the huge red bed in which she was currently residing in.

"Dear God," she said, "who decorated this place? Oompa Loompas?"

And, as if on cue, the bright yellow door swung open to emit two grinning red-heads.

Louise began to fan herself.

"Greetings!" said one red-head loudly.

"So hot," muttered Louise.

"We have," said the other twin, "kidnapped you! You're the one who was executing all the-"

"- very impressive-"

"-pranks at Hogwarts-"

"-and so we're keeping you here-"

"-so that our sister doesn't go insane-"

"-and also because we think-"

"-that you're hot."

The twins grinned widely.

"Any questions?"

Louise nodded.

"What's the age of consent over here?"

* * *

Two weeks later, Rachel Grey found a postscript on a letter from a friend.

'_I've also finally got proof that orgasms increase brain power – more detail when I get back!'_

Rachel sat silently for a long while.

"Nope," she finally declared, "still don't get it."


	17. Chapter 17

_Chapter Seventeen_

"WAKE UP!"

"Argh!"

Harry awoke with a start, and promptly fell out of bed.

"Oh, Merlin," he groaned, "why, Ronnie? Why?"

Ronnie flourished a piece of parchment with a grin.

"I've finished the sonnet I wrote for Jarred," she said happily.

Harry moaned and covered his eyes with one arm.

Ronnie cleared her throat, apparently oblivious to her friend's discomfort, and began reading her poem out loud.

"_Oh Jarred, you gorgeous squid,_

_You are big and kind of red,_

_It's such a pity I'm just a kid,_

_For if it weren't illegal, I'd share your bed._

_I like you a lot, Jarred my dear,_

_And your house underwater,_

_In the lake, oh so clear,_

_Maybe one day we will have a daughter._

_After, of course, our honeymoon to Madrid,_

_And other exotic places,_

_We'd be wife and squid,_

_Which has only been recorded in five cases._

_But still Jarred, I really do love you,_

_And all the things I said I would, I'd do."_

Ronnie beamed at Harry, who was still lying on the floor.

"Well," she said, "what do you think?"

"Kill me now," mumbled Harry.

"What?" said Ronnie.

"I said 'Holy Cow'!" said Harry, loud enough so that Ronnie could hear him this time. "That was great!"

"Thankyou!" said Ronnie as she skipped joyfully from the dormitory.

"I hate my life," moaned Harry.

* * *

Harry sat at the Gryffindor table with his head in his hands. After Ronnie and her sonnet had left the dormitory, Harry had discovered that it had only been half four. Consequently, The-Boy-Who-Lived currently resembled Inferni.

Harry groaned pathetically, hoping to extract a semblance of sympathy from his friends.

Unfortunately, Draco was currently attending a 'Young-Former-Future-Followers-Of-'He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named'' Club meeting and so no sympathy was forthcoming.

"I can't take it anymore," he muttered to Colin Creevy, who immediately looked very interested in furthering the conversation, "if Ronnie reads me another sonnet I'm going to feed myself to Professor Sprout's Child Consuming Chrysanthemums."

Colin nodded sadly.

"I totally know, like, what you're going through," he said.

Harry sighed.

"I mean, I'm happy for her and everything, but she's no Shakespeare, and I think she's taking this all a little too far. The most I ever wrote for Draco was an acrostic poem. Does that make me inconsiderate?"

Colin shook his dyed-black hair.

"No way,"

Harry raised his eyes to the ceiling.

"Please, Lord," he said, "what should I do? Give me a sign!"

There was a poignant pause.

"This juice tastes funny," said Hermione.

* * *

It was another week until anything other than soppy romantic interludes happened. Dumbledore tapped his glass to signal for quiet at the end of dinner one night and twirled his beard happily.

"We're going to hold a Ball!" he declared.

The students immediately began to gossip excitedly.

"It will be held on the evening of October 31st and will be fancy dress! Won't this be fun!"

A first year in a plaid hat and tweed coat raised his hand.

"Yes, Mr Holmes?" smiled Albus. "Do you have a question?"

The boy nodded.

"Why are we doing this?"

Dumbledore shrugged.

"Shits and giggles, I suppose."

* * *

Harry rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he stumbled towards the Transfiguration classroom. He had spent the larger part of the previous night being forced to comment on the set of 14 surrealist oil paintings Ronnie had created for Jarred - all of them of the squid in question.

In Harry's opinion, however, most resembled little more than large red blobs.

Then, when he had finally been permitted to leave for bed, he had been woken up for an impromptu interview by Luna Lovegood and River Tam, who insisted that 2.45 am was the best time of the day for thought clarity. Apparently the two girls were planning to publish a school newspaper, so Harry had spent the wee hours of the morning answering obscure questions such as 'Mayonnaise: White or Off-White?" and "How many breeds of caterpillars are you acquainted with?" only to discover at breakfast that it was Toast Appreciation Day and that Draco was quarantined in the Hospital Wing after contracting Dragon Pox overnight.

Harry then discovered, _after_ all his classmates had left the Great Hall, that he had lost his timetable and thus had to guess what class he had first.

Transfiguration had seems like a reasonable choice as his book bag contained his Transfiguration textbook and, amazingly, his completed Transfiguration homework.

Harry hoisted his bag back up onto his shoulder as he reached the classroom, wondering if he could possibly nap in any of his classes, and pushed open the door.

"ARRRRGH! OH MERLIN! WHY ME?!"

Harry's cry reverberated around the room as his bag fell from his shoulder, spilling its contents all over the floor.

Still, screaming, the boy shielded his eyes and ran from the room.

Professor Dumbledore looked up from where he was bending Professor McGonagall over her desk and gave a Level Four Eye Twinkle.

"Dear me," he said, "you'd think from the way he's carrying on that he'd never seen the Spread Eagle before."

* * *

"There, there," said Professor Snape, "it couldn't have been that bad."

Harry only shuddered in response.

"At least take the blindfold off," coaxed his father, "there's nothing scary in here."

"Except for the headless iguana in the jar above the fireplace," muttered Harry, but removed the black cloth from his eyes nonetheless. Hermione then chose that moment to make her entrance.

Harry shrieked and hastily replaced the cloth over his eyes.

"Great Merlin!" exclaimed Snape.

"You like?" beamed Hermione.

Severus began to stammer incomprehensively.

"What _is_ it?" moaned Harry.

"Hotpants!" Hermione replied cheerily. "Don't y'all think I look like Daisy Duke?"

Severus went completely silent.

"It's _hailing_ outside," said Harry, "it's _cold_."

Hermione flicked her hair and huffed.

"Y'all just don't understand fashion," she said.

"Y'all?" mumbled Severus in apparent confusion.

"So, er, have you found your ring yet?" asked Harry, hoping for a more comfortable conversation topic.

"No," said Hermione sadly, "not yet."

"It'll show up," said Harry, readjusting his blindfold as he spoke.

Hermione sniffed pathetically.

"I hope so," she moaned.

Severus suddenly scowled.

"Miss Granger? What in Merlin's name are you –"

"Time for your anti-psychotic!" broke in Hermione, as she poured a small phial of liquid down Snape's throat.

Severus started smiling again.

"I love you, Hermione," he said dreamily.

"I love you too, Sevvy-Wevvy," replied Hermione.

"I'm gonna go stab myself in the eye with a fork," said Harry.

And, receiving no discouragement from either professor, he left.


	18. Chapter 18

_Chapter Eighteen_

Harry woke up and yawned widely.

"Morning," grumbled Ronnie, "Happy Halloween."

"That was fast," said Harry, "where did all those days go?"

Ronnie shrugged.

"Probably something to do with Writer's Block," she replied.

"That does seem to be happening a lot lately," agreed Harry.

Ronnie finished dressing and quickly pulled her hair up into a ponytail.

"Right," she said, "I'm off. Jarred and I need to discuss our costumes for tonight."

Harry pulled himself out of bed and began heading towards the showers.

"See you," he replied carelessly.

* * *

Harry stumbled into the Gryffindor common room, still pulling his jumper on over his head.

"They need to start mornings a little later in the day," he mumbled.

"Hi Harry!" shrilled a bouncing first year.

"Hey … you …" said Harry.

"I read your article in the Hogwarts Herald and it was really cool and I like prawn crackers too and could you please sign this for me?" said the first year, very quickly.

Harry looked around suspiciously.

There didn't seem to be any _other_ crazed fans around the room, ready to pounce …

"Alright," he said, "what's your name?"

"Greg Sanders," squeaked the boy, looking like he might wet himself at any moment.

'To Greg, good luck with everything. From Harry Potter,' scrawled The-Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-Stalked-By-First-Years, and then handed the newspaper and quill back to Sanders.

"Thankyou!" chirped Greg and hurriedly scuttled off to squee with his dorm-mates.

Harry scratched his head and decided to go to breakfast.

* * *

An owl was waiting for him as he took his usual seat at the Gryffindor table. Harry gave it a scone and sat down to open the small parcel.

"Car keys?" said Harry in confusion. "Who would be sending me car keys?"

'_Read the letter, you moron,_' said his brain.

"Oh, right," said Harry, and did so.

'_Harry,' _said the letter, _'I've been a bad person but I hope you'll forgive me and be my friend.'_

"Weird," muttered Harry.

Suddenly, in a flash of gold and silver, a flashy red convertible appeared at the front of the Great Hall.

"Wow!" exclaimed a small boy in a slightly girlish hat. "A Ferrari GTXY023! I wish _I_ had one of those …"

"Sorry, Champ," said the pink newt sitting on his left shoulder, "you have to _buy_ cars."

"Toooooo baaaaaad!" added a green newt from the other shoulder.

Harry picked up his car keys.

"I think it's mine," he said, slightly in shock.

Professor Hermione Granger stood up from her seat at the staff table and frowned.

"That's not right! Rule 673 _clearly_ states that no modes of transportation, Muggle or otherwise, are permitted to appear suddenly anywhere on Hogwarts Grounds!"

Harry shrugged.

Hermione took a sip of her drink and frowned harder.

"And this here juice tastes funny!" she concluded.

* * *

Harry walked over to the Slytherin table and kissed Draco on the cheek.

"Wanna go see Sirius and Remus?" he asked.

Draco nodded.

"Sure," he replied, "would you like to come with us, Rachel?"

Rachel nodded miserably and ate her toast.

"She's been really quiet lately," Draco quietly informed Harry as they walked down to the Kennel, "I think she misses Louise."

"It can't be that bad, surely," whispered Harry.

"She's stopped charming the bacon to scream whenever anybody attempts to eat it," said Draco with a significant look at his boyfriend.

Harry looked shocked.

"Great Merlin!" he hissed. "This _is_ bad!"

Behind them, Rachel Grey adjusted her abnormally large hat and half-heartedly muttered something about blackmail.

* * *

"Good morning," said Remus as he ushered in the teenagers, "how are you three today?"

"Pretty good," replied Harry, "I got a car at breakfast."

Sirius skidded into the room from the direction of the kitchen, abruptly stopping just in time to avoid knocking his godson over.

"AWESOME!" he exclaimed, bouncing on the spot. "Can I make it fly? Pleeeeeeease? Arthur would help me! Pretty, pretty please with a fizzing whizbee on top?"

Draco eyed Sirius' frilly pink apron.

"Do _not_ let that man get near any of your possessions," he hissed.

"Aren't you meant to be cooking, darling?" said Remus.

Sirius nodded sheepishly.

"Yes, dear," he said, and hurried back out of the room.

"Whipped," commented the man sitting on the couch.

"Who are you?" said Harry.

"Oh, yes, sorry," said Remus, "Harry, Draco, and Rachel – this is my cousin Oz; Oz, this is Harry, Draco and Rachel."

"Pleasure," said Oz, "but my friends call my Seth."

Rachel suddenly burst into tears and ran from the room, sobbing about he-wenches.

The others looked after her in astonishment.

"Now, how did she know about that?" muttered Oz.

* * *

Later that day, Draco was helping Harry add the finishing touches to his costume when Ronnie stumbled into the dormitory.

"Oh," she said, "I didn't think anybody would be up here."

"Why are you indigo?" said Harry curiously.

Draco sniffed.

"Is that ink?"

"No! No reason!" said Ronnie as she ran into the bathroom.

"Riiight," said Draco, "and I'm the Queen of England."

"You are?" said Harry in surprise.

"Oh yes," said Draco sarcastically, "Didn't you know? I'm also the only gay in the village."

Harry looked confused.


	19. Chapter 19

_Chapter Nineteen_

"Sure is quiet," said Harry.

Draco nodded in agreement. All around the Great Hall couples in fancy dress huddled together, whispering nervously amongst themselves.

"What's going on?" asked Ronnie, clutching one of Jarred's tentacles. "Where's the music?"

Harry shrugged as Dumbledore made his way slowly out on to the stage.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," he said sadly, "I'm afraid The Howling Banshees have all contracted brain fever and thus can not be with us tonight."

The students looked at each with dismay.

"The Fancy Dress Ball is cancelled," concluded the Headmaster.

A small boy dressed as a rabbit began to sob quietly as people started to make their way from the Hall.

"Wait!" cried Draco, leaping up onto the stage. "I'm saving the day!"

The students paused in their leaving to look at Draco curiously.

With great aplomb, Draco reached into his pocket and pulled out … a mobile phone!

"Muggle electrical devices don't work at Hogwarts!" said Parvati Patil.

Draco sneered.

"Explain this then," he said, dialling a number into the keypad.

The crowd watched with avid anticipation as Draco held the phone to his ear and … waited for the call to be connected.

* * *

Harry checked his watch, the phone had been ringing for almost a minute and the first years were getting restless. 

Then, finally, Draco spoke.

"Hello, Gerard? Yeah, hi - nice of you to answer so promptly. Sorry doesn't cut it anymore, mister. Look, I don't care if you really needed one … ok, fine, look I need you to come entertain some kids. Yes, its short notice. Yes. Yes. Ok. Pink? Sure. I don't care! Seriously, just get here already! Geez, anyone would think I didn't own your soul or something. Ok, great, see you then."

Draco hung up with a beep and smirked triumphantly.

"They'll be here soon," he said.

"HOORAH!" said the crowd.

"Who are we talking about?" said Dean Thomas.

"Look!" cried Anthony Goldstein. "Up on the stage!"

Silence fell over the room once more as five figures gradually shimmered into view.

"It's a band!" cried Betty Cooper excitedly.

* * *

A few hours on, the ball was still in full swing. 

"I just can't get over how much the lead singer looks like you," said Harry as he poured his boyfriend a glass of punch.

Draco smirked happily.

"Yes," he said, "I think the chap idolizes me somewhat."

"What are they called again?"

Draco waved a hand dismissively.

"Oh, 'Our Alchemy Love' or some such nonsense," he replied.

Harry nodded and then groaned as he caught sight of a figure heading towards them.

"Oh, great," he said, "here comes Colin."

Draco rolled his eyes as the boy came to a stop beside them.

"Hi Harry," said Colin miserably, "I just came to see if you were alright."

"I'm fine," said Harry in confusion, "why wouldn't I be?"

"Because today's, like, the anniversary of your parent's, like, death and all," replied Colin.

"Oh," said Harry, "it is?"

Draco shifted uncomfortably as Colin nodded.

"I thought you, like, knew," continued the boy, "otherwise why would they call it, like, Harry Potter day and stuff?"

Harry blinked.

"It's called Harry Potter day?" he asked, turning to his boyfriend for confirmation.

Draco nodded.

Harry appeared to be deep in thought, although it _was_ difficult to be sure.

"Well," he finally declared, "I'm not going to let the sacrifice of my parents go to waste. Come on, Draco; let's go eat lollies until we puke!"

Colin scowled at their retreating backs.

"I thought that was, like, going to turn him emo for sure," he muttered, and then sulked off to adjust his fringe.

* * *

"Hi y'all!" chirped Hermione, as she walked over to Harry and Draco, dragging Severus behind her. 

"Hello, Hermione," replied Harry, "what are you dressed as?"

"I'm Pamela Anderson!" she said. "And Severus is either Kid Rock or Tommy Lee – I forget which!"

"Oh," said Draco, slightly terrified by her cheeriness.

"Oh," said Harry, who was worried for his father's sanity.

Snape smiled crookedly.

"I like rainbows," he said.

"And what are you, Draco?" asked Hermione quickly.

"Can't you tell?" he replied, sounding slightly put-out.

They all took in his blue jumpsuit, his black boots and the silver letters which spelt out 'please' on his chest.

"Errr, well," said Harry, "no."

Draco put his hands on his hips and pouted.

"I'm a PLEASEMAN, of course!"

"Yeah, I've heard that before," said Rachel Grey, as she approached the group. "Hi Professor Snape," she added, winking at the Potions Master.

"She seems happier," whispered Harry.

Draco nodded.

Snape smiled at Rachel, who preened.

Hermione screwed up her face as she looked the other girl up and down.

"What are you meant to be?" she sniffed.

Rachel flicked her long black hair over her shoulder.

"A jedi, you culturally ignorant lummox. And I guess you're meant to be a hooker?"

Hermione's perfect cheeks flushed with anger.

"Pamela Anderson," she corrected from behind gritted teeth.

Rachel shrugged.

"Same crup, different collar," she replied indifferently.

Hermione's eyes narrowed, and she drew her wand.

Rachel flicked her wrist and before you could say 'bitch fight' she was clutching her wand as well.

"Avis!" cried Hermione, and five fat little canaries went shooting through the air.

Rachel rolled her eyes as she simultaneously ducked and shot a bolt of red light towards Hermione's legs, who promptly fell over.

Rachel smirked as the other girl struggled to stand with inversed knee-caps.

"Incendio!" spat Professor Granger.

"Protego!" countered Grey, and the burning spell dissolved harmlessly.

Tension seemed to crackle through the air.

"Ladies, please!" cried Professor Flitwick as he ran between the duellers. "Can't we all just be friends?"

But Hermione and Rachel had both already sent their hexes flying towards each other and, with a loud bangpop, Professor Flitwick was no longer.

"OMG!" cried Hermione. "We've, like, killed him!"

Rachel rolled her eyes and pointed to the small purple squirrel which sat quivering between the two girls.

"Who do you think that is then?" she asked sardonically.

* * *

After safely delivering Professor Flitwick to the Hospital Wing, Harry made his way back to the Great Hall, pausing in a little used hallway to re-tie his shoelace. 

"Down here," whispered a voice as two shadowy figures came to a stop in the hallway near Harry, who was hidden in the shadows of a large statue of Fredrick the Flatulent.

"So, you say that the Defence Against The Dark Arts professor is evil?" said the large figure quietly. "Well, that's new."

The smaller figure nodded and pushed his glasses up his nose.

"Ever since he found out that I'm a wizard, he's been blatantly re-using his original plan by attempting to force me to marry him, as under Wizarding Law it's legal for a boy to wed someone old enough to be his father," he said.

"Hmmm," said the other boy, "well, you've come to the right person. I'll make sure this villain is stopped!"

"Oi!" said Harry, popping up from behind the statue. "_I'm_ the one who defeats the bad guys!"

"Oh, yeah?" said the larger of the shadowy figures, stepping into the dim light.

"Neville," gasped Harry, "I should have known."

Klaus Baudelaire looked nervously between the two older boys.

"Maybe you could work together to defeat Olaf?" he suggested tentatively.

The two sixth years ignored him.

"You need to realise you're not the only hero in the fictional genre." hissed Neville/Alex.

Harry narrowed his eyes and reached for his wand.

But before he could so much as hex the other boy, a brilliant white light began to emanate from the ceiling and the soft sound of harps filled the hallway.

A figure slowly descended and as she grow closer the three boys took in her flowing brown hair and long white dress.

"OH MY GOD!" cried Klaus. "It's GOD!"

The girl landed softly on the stone floor and shot Klaus a strange look.

"Don't be silly," she said.

"Are you really God?" asked Neville/Alex.

"No," said the girl.

"Is being God fun?" asked Harry.

"I'm not God!" snapped the girl.

"When you're God, do you get to talk to Elvis all the time?" asked Klaus.

"Have you always been God?" asked Harry.

"Do the angels call you Boss, or just God?" asked Neville/Alex.

"I'm. Not. God," repeated the girl slowly, carefully articulating every word.

Klaus tilted his head to the side, apparently deep in thought.

"What are the requirements for being God?" he finally asked.

"Will you be my friend, God?" asked Harry.

The girl threw her hands up in the air.

"I'm just here to pass on a message!" she said in exasperation.

"Oh," said Neville/Alex, "what's the message then, God?"

The girl rubbed her temples.

"You're all morons," she muttered.

"Ummm … God?" said Harry.

"What?" said the girl irritably.

"Aha!" said Harry triumphantly. "I _knew_ you were God!"

The girl groaned.

"What's wrong, God?" asked Klaus.

"Never mind," said the girl, "look, Harry, please just let Neville/Alex deal with Olaf. It's a plot point."

Harry nodded.

"Ok," he said, "I'll do that, God."

Neville/Alex looked smug.

"And you, Neville/Alex," added the girl, "try and be a little more in character, ok?"

Neville/Alex nodded.

"I never wanted to be a secret agent anyway," he groaned.

"What about me?" asked Klaus.

"Nah," said 'God', "you're good."

Klaus beamed and bopped his head enthusiastically.

"And, er, just remember kids, three fruit and five veg – you're already halfway there!" concluded the girl as she rose slowly towards the ceiling and disappeared from view.

"Right," said Harry, "I'm gonna go spread the word of God."

* * *

The crowd enthusiastically applauded Draco's band off the stage as they finished their last song. 

Colin Creevy sighed.

"They are, like, so deep and intense and stuff. When I grow up I want to be nothing at all, too."

Next to him, Rachel Grey shook her head pityingly.

"You don't understand me!" cried Colin as he spun to face the exchange student.

"Correct," said Rachel, "I also don't understand what you're meant to be dressed up as."

Colin scoffed.

"Like, hello. Cloak, tight black pants, boots and spiked collared necklace? I'm, like, a vampire, of course."

Rachel laughed.

"Riiiight," she said, "because that's _really_ how vampires dress."

Colin flicked his fringe irritably.

"How would you know anyway?" he scowled.

Rachel opened her mouth to reply, but before she had the chance to articulate even a single syllable, River Tam and Luna Lovegood walked dreamily over to them.

"Hey," said Luna.

Rachel looked the girls up and down, taking in every aspect of their costumes.

Her eyes widened and she began backing away slowly.

"Hello," said River, advancing towards Rachel with her arm outstretched.

"Argh!" yelled Rachel as she ran from the room.

"She must have seen a Gattable," said Luna.

River nodded.

"Like, what are you guys meant to be?" asked Colin.

"Cloves of garlic," replied Luna.

"Oh," said Colin, "hardcore."

River looked at the ceiling.

"Tick tock. Tock tick. Time time time," she announced.

Luna nodded.

"You're right, River," she said, "we should go and prepare for acceptance."

Colin looked at the ceiling in confusion.

"Goodbye, Colin," said Luna.

River Tam gripped Colin's arm.

"Beware the pine trees," she whispered, and, with that, the two girls drifted off again.

Colin shook his head and began paying attention to Professor Dumbledore, who was currently speaking from up on the stage.

"And that's the end of the Seventh Year awards!" he proclaimed. "Congratulations once again to Cedric Diggory on taking home first prize."

The crowd applauded politely as Cedric grinned and waved his knife. He had come as some Muggle called Jack, apparently.

"Now, on to the Sixth Years!" beamed Dumbledore. "Professor McGonagall, if you will?"

Professor McGonagall nodded professionally and stepped to the front of the stage.

"Third prize," she announced, "goes to Ronnie Weasley as Juliet!"

Ronnie bounded up onto the stage.

"Thankyou so much!" she gushed. "I'd like to thank the academy, and my One True Love Jarred for always being my Romeo, and my mum and dad for giving birth to me, and my brain for giving me the idea, and …"

"Yes, thankyou Miss Weasley," said McGonagall, "that's enough."

As Ronnie was ushered offstage, Professor Lupin stepped forward.

He was dressed, somewhat ironically, as Little Red Riding Hood.

"Second prize," he said, "is awarded to …"

The crowd held its breath.

"Padma Patil, who came as a hamster!"

The Ravenclaw girl squeaked happily and hurried up to the stage to collect her award, amidst heavy applause from the crowd.

"Well done, Padma," said Professor Sprout, "first prize – the one we've all been waiting for – goes to …"

There was complete silence in the Hall. Sirius Black dropped a pin and grinned as he heard it hit the floor.

"Blaise Zabini, who came as Hugh Jackman!"

The crowd went wild as Blaise walked onto the stage, as that's what crowds do. The Metamorphmagus waved and winked to his girlfriend, who flashed him in return.

"Congratulations, Blaise!" said Professor Dumbledore. "Now, before we move onto the Fifth Years, I'd like to present a special award to the 36 individuals who all came in leather pants and tight muscle shirts! Can we have a representative to collect the award, please?"

Denis Creevy approached the Headmaster nervously.

Dumbledore beamed at him.

"Such an original idea!" he said happily. "Do tell me, what was the inspiration behind your costumes?"

Denis swallowed and shifted uncomfortably.

"We all thought this is what Harry Potter would be wearing," he muttered.

Dumbledore nodded sagely.

"I see," he said.

The crowd turned to look at Harry, who was standing at the back of the Hall, quietly drinking some punch.

The-Boy-Who-Lived smiled nervously.

"I like astronauts?" he said tentatively.

Dumbledore shook his head slowly.

"Oh well," he said, "on to the Fifth Years."

Professor Black cleared his throat.

"Third prize goes to Luna Lovegood who, along with River Tam, came as a clove of garlic!"

* * *

A/N Congratulations! You have read approximately 27,305 words of Harry Potter and The Clichés Of Doom!

Unless, of course, you cheated and skipped ahead a couple of chapters. If that's the case; bad internet person, no hardware updates for you.

However! If you _have_ read all those words, you may be filled with joy and/or sadness to hear that the members of TLLL are moving out of their childhood homes, and on into the Real WorldTM.

Now, the Real WorldTM is all well and good UNLESS you are entering it as a poor university student with no internet connection at your residence.

Nooo! Say it isn't so!

Sadly, it is so; updates WILL continue, but with longer intervals in between them.

But, YOU can make them happen faster! Yes, YOU!

How, you may ask? It's quite simple. Reviews are kind of like oil - but without the inflated prices; they make the world go 'round! And, occasionally, inspire invasion of other countries.

So, the point here being, if we get ten reviews for this chapter, we'll update before the week on which the tenth review is received ends. Oh, it's so easy!

And for a limited time only, you'll get this free George Foreman Fat Free Grill ABSOLUTLY FREE! Oh, wait, sorry.

You'll get the satisfaction of knowing you've brightened the day of some psychotic strangers. All together now; awww.

We also may invade Sweden. I hear they have good meatloaf over there.


	20. Chapter 20

_Chapter Twenty_

"Wake up, Harry!" yelled Rachel Grey.

Harry did so.

"Argh!" he cried. "What's happening?!"

Rachel grinned and cancelled the sonorous charm she had put on herself.

"It's time for breakfast!" she said.

Harry groaned and slumped back onto his pillow.

"Come on, sleepy-head," sung Rachel, sounding more than a little evil to Harry's sleep deprived ears.

Harry attempted to fall asleep again.

"Oh dear," said Rachel happily, "Ronnie _did_ tell me to get you up, but it doesn't look like you're going to."

Harry groaned quietly.

"Well, I guess I've got no choice. If you don't get up, I'll have to show Draco this!" said Rachel joyfully.

Harry opened one eye.

"No!" he gasped, leaping out of bed. "You wouldn't!"

"Oh, yes, I would!" said Rachel, barely concealing her joy.

"Please, Rachel," said Harry desperately, "not Sunshine Bear!"

Rachel put a finger to her chin in an imitation of deep thought.

"Well," she said, "you _are_ out of bed, so as long as you promise not to go back to sleep, I guess I can keep Mr Bear here a secret."

Harry nodded eagerly.

"Yes, yes, I promise," he said.

Rachel grinned and handed Harry his bear.

"See you later!" she said and strutted happily from the room.

Harry waiting until he was sure Rachel was out of ear shot before he spoke.

"Don't you worry, Sunshine Bear, I won't let that big meanie girl take you away from me."

He held his bear close to his chest.

"I love you too, Sunshine Bear."

* * *

"What have we got first?" asked Harry around a mouth full of bacon.

"Care of Magical Creatures," said Ronnie, swallowing her eggs.

"And then?" asked Harry.

Ronnie glanced at her timetable and choked slightly.

Harry helpfully pounded her on the back until she stopped coughing.

"Thanks," wheezed Ronnie, taking a large drink of Pumpkin Juice.

"So, what have we got?" said Harry.

Ronnie didn't reply. Instead, she simply pushed her timetable towards her friend.

Harry grabbed the parchment and quickly scanned down the lists.

"Here it is!" he said. "Second class – SEX EDUCATION?!"

The occupants of the Great Hall moved as one to stare at Harry.

Harry looked up in confusion.

"Since when do we have Sex Ed?" he asked.

Dumbledore rose from his seat at the head of the Staff Table.

"Since today!" he beamed.

"Why?" asked Harry.

Dumbledore shrugged.

"Shits and giggles," he replied.

* * *

"Good morning, everybody!" said Sirius as he bounded to the front of the group of students assembled on his front lawn.

A few students mumbled back a half-hearted greeting, but Sirius didn't seem at all deterred by their lack of enthusiasm.

"Now!" he said, clapping his hands together gleefully. "Remus is very busy today, and our nanny quit after she lost her second finger, so our lesson today will focus on the feeding and bathing of were-dog children!"

"Second finger?" whispered Dean.

"Any possibility of just doing Flobberworms or something?" asked Parvati tentatively.

"Nope!" beamed Sirius. "You'll be assigned one pup-kid each and be graded on both the amount of food actually consumed and general cleanliness after bathing."

He raised a finger threateningly.

"That includes behind the ears," he added.

Harry gulped.

Sirius whistled loudly.

"KIDS!" he yelled. "TIME FOR MORNING TEA!"

"They've been up since four," he whispered to Lavender Brown as the six pup-kids raced out of the house.

Lavender paled.

"I want ice-cream!" proclaimed one small girl as soon as she reached her father.

"Not for morning tea, Lynx," said Sirius.

"Why not?" said Caelum, who was playing with some grass.

"That's the rules," replied Sirius.

Caelum nodded, strangely accepting of this answer.

Sirius crouched down to the level of his offspring and motioned them towards him.

"See them?" he said, motioning to the motionless, huddled group of Sixth Years.

The pup-kids all nodded solemnly.

"They're going to make you your tea today," said Sirius.

"I don't like them," stated one of the boys, glaring at the older kids as he spoke.

"Yes, you do," said Sirius, "see? There's Harry. You like him."

Ophicuchus pouted and folded his arms, but seemed pleased nonetheless.

"Now," said Sirius, "go and pick a big kid each while I get everything set up."

The sixth years trembled as the group of children turned their scrutinizing gaze towards them.

"I pick that girl!" shrieked Eridanus, running towards Parvati at incredible speed.

"I want Harry!" yelled Ophicuchus.

"Don't we all?" mumbled Seamus, who was then promptly attacked by Dorado, who seemed to be enjoying having new people to tackle.

"You look stupid," stated Fornax, glaring up at Lavender, "I bet you can't even do magic."

"What's your name?" asked Lynx, as she attempted to sit on Dean's head.

"Hi Caelum," said Ronnie to the only child who was _not_ acting like he was under the influence of sugar and sleep loss, "how are you today?"

"Scared," replied Caelum.

Ronnie watched Parvati run past, closely followed by a stick wielding Eridanus.

"Me too," she sighed, "me too."

Sirius whistled loudly to regain the attention of his class and offspring.

"Right!" he said. "I've arranged a table for each pair and all the food and stuff can be found in the little baskets on the tables. Pup-kids, behave yourselves. Students, good luck."

He checked his watch.

"I'll be back in an hour or two," he added.

"You're leaving us?!" shrilled Lavender.

Sirius grinned.

"Right on!"

* * *

"Look what you did!" shrieked Lavender, her robes covered in jam.

"You're dumb," sniffed Fornax, without a scrap of remorse, "everyone _else_ knows how gravity works."

"Please talk English again, Ophi," begged Harry, "you're making Caelum nervous."

Ophicuchus smirked up at him.

"_Don't care_," he hissed.

"Parvati!" shrilled Eridanus, waving her stick wildly above her head. "What did the mermaid say when she swam into a wall?"

"Errrr," said Parvati, eyeing the stick nervously.

"Dam," suggested Dean, who had finally relented in the face of his charge's whining, and was currently preparing a toasted peanut, cucumber and soy sauce sandwich.

"Yeah!" said Eridanus. "Dam, dam, dam, dam, dam!"

"Come on, Dorado," coaxed Seamus, "you've got to eat something."

Dorado folded her arms defiantly and made a show of clamping her mouth shut.

"If you don't eat your sandwich you can't have pudding," added Seamus.

"I DON'T WANT IT!" yelled Dorado. "I HATE YOU! YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY! I WANT MY PAPA! I HATE YOU! YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!"

"THIS IS YUKKY!" screamed Lynx, throwing her sandwich at Dean. "I DON'T WANT IT!"

"Whoever coined the phrase 'the terrible twos' obviously never met a three year old," muttered Dean, wiping soy sauce from his eyebrows.

Caelum stood up, slipped on jam, and promptly fell over.

"Oh dear," said Ronnie, as Caelum started crying hysterically.

"YOU HURT CAELUM!" screeched Lynx. "YOU'RE A BIG MEANIE!"

"YOU'RE ALL DUMB!" shouted Fornax.

"YOU'RE DUMB!" replied Ophicuchus angrily, but was ignored as only Harry could understand him anyway.

"I WANT MY DADDY!" shrilled Dorado.

"YOU'RE A BIG CRY BABY!" shrieked Lynx.

"I AM NOT!" replied her sister.

"YOU ARE TOO!" rebutted Lynx.

"YOU'RE A FLOBBERWORM KISSER!" injected Fornax.

"YOU SMELL LIKE TOILET!" yelled Eridanus.

"YOU'RE STUPID!" replied Fornax.

"I HATE YOU!" screamed Lynx.

"I HATE YOU MORE!" shrieked Dorado.

Harry buried his head in his hands.

"Could this get any worse?" he mumbled.

Apparently, it could, as Harry soon found himself covered in tomato sauce.

* * *

By the time Sirius returned, the pup-kids had declared war on each other – and any Sixth Years who happened to get in the way.

"Our Saviour!" gasped Dean, as he ducked beneath a flying apricot.

Sirius chuckled as he took in the scene.

Tables were overturned, food covered everything, the Sixth Years were huddled behind on of the picnic baskets, and the pup-kids seemed to be imitating some part of the Crusades.

"TROOPS! DESIST!" yelled Sirius.

Dorado dropped the mango she had been preparing to throw and sped over to Sirius.

"PAPA!" she cried joyfully.

The other five children followed quickly.

"-PAPA-DOGGY I DON'T-"

"-really stupid-"

"-ice-cream-"

"-and then Lynx-"

"-flobberworm!"

Sirius held up a hand and the pup-kids fell silent.

"You've made a very big mess," he said gravely, "and now you're all dirty."

He paused for effect.

"You know what this means,"

"Oh, no!" said Eridanus, with wide eyes.

"Oh, yes," said Sirius, "this means bathtime."

"Noooo!" wailed Lynx.

"I'm sorry!" added Fornax.

Sirius shook his head.

"It's too late now," he said, "The Sixth Years are going to have to wash you all up!"

"Oh, no," said Ronnie, "the Sixth Years are going to have to wash themselves all up."

Dean nodded as he fished mashed cucumber out of his ear.

"We don't care if we fail," he added.

"We've had enough!" said Harry.

"We're outta here," concluded Lavender.

Sirius shrugged.

"Suit yourselves," he said with a grin.

The Sixth Years nodded firmly and headed back towards the castle.

"Bathtime?" whimpered Caelum.

Sirius nodded, and with a wave of his wand, the pup-kids were covered in specially formulated anti-flea shampoo.

"Yucky," moaned Dorado.

"How 'bout you go wash off in the lake?" suggested Sirius innocently.

Ophicucus narrowed his eyes.

"What's the catch," he asked suspiciously.

Sirius grinned.

"You aren't allowed to tell your daddy what happened here today," he said, "but you can go shake on Filtch when you're done."

The pup-kids considered the offer and quickly came to an agreement.

Sirius sighed with relief.

"Phew," he muttered, "if Remus found out that I'd left the feeding of our children to my class I wouldn't be getting any for _another_ week."

"Oh, really?" said a voice from behind him.

Sirius winced.

"I'll just go move my rug into the Living Room, shall I?"

* * *

Harry looked around the classroom nervously. The entire sixth year was squished in the room and nerves were already being stepped on.

Ronnie checked her watch.

"They're late," she whispered.

Harry nodded.

"I don't _want_ to learn how anyone _else_ does it," whined Draco.

Suddenly, the door opened. The class waited with baited breath for their professor to appear.

However, the person who entered the room was a far cry from what any of them were expecting.

An extremely skinny young woman with blonde hair strutted into the classroom, carrying with her a tiny little dog in a pink jumper.

A few of the Muggleborns gave strangled cries.

"Who the hell is that?" muttered Ronnie.

"If you squint, she looks like a horse!" whispered Harry happily.

"Oh, and that hair is so totally bleached," said Draco, patting his own hair with satisfaction.

"Like, OMG!" said their Professor. "Isn't this hawt?!"

"Who _are_ you?" asked Susan Bones.

"You, like, don't know who _I_ am?" said the woman angrily.

Susan, along with the majority of the class, shook their heads.

Their professor pouted and then quickly crossed her ankles and put one hand on her hip.

"Paris Hilton," she smiled.

"DIE!" cried Rachel Grey from the back of the classroom, pointing her wand at the blonde.

But, to her shock, the spell simply dissolved, leaving Hilton untouched.

"Yeah, right," said Professor Hilton, "there's, like, wards and stuff in here. Duh."

Rachel blocked her ears.

"LA LA LA LA LA!" she sung loudly. "I CAN'T _HEAR_ YOU!"

"Like, whatEVA," sniffed Hilton.

"_You're_ the one teaching us Sex Ed?" asked Seamus, sounding as though he was dreading the answer.

Hilton beamed. Seamus shrunk down in his chair.

"OMG! Like, totally!" beamed the professor. "Let's have a practical! Like, right now!"

The eyes of the sixth years widened to a size that had previously been thought physically impossible.

Professor Hilton flicked her hair and posed.

"Any volunteers?"

Neville/Alex began wondering if he could break through the window.

Hilton scanned the rows of students.

"I pick …" she drawled, "you!"

She beamed and placed her hand on Harry's shoulder.

Draco calmly drew his wand and held it to Hilton's throat.

"I may not be able to kill you right now," he hissed, "but you'll have to leave his room sometime. And I _will_ kill you then, if you don't remove your hand from my boyfriend immediately."

Hilton withdrew her hand hastily.

"Not hawt," she pouted, "whatEVA. Where's my dawg?"

Justin Finch-Fletchly paled.

Hannah Abbot covered her eyes.

Hilton dragged the dog out from underneath her desk and began rummaging around in the handbag attached to it's collar.

The class breathed a deep sigh of relief.

"Hawt!" announced Hilton, waving a small disk above her head.

"What's that?" asked Ronnie nervously.

"Like, my new, totally hawt, DVD!" proclaimed Hilton. "_Ten Guys Go To Paris_!"

Dean Thomas threw up.

Hilton quickly inserted the disk into the conveniently located DVD player.

Neville/Alex raced across the room, and, with a leap to shame a toad, jumped through the glass window.

"Great Merlin!" exclaimed Padma Patil. "We're nine stories up!"

But the class was distracted from the fate of their classmate by the opening music of the DVD.

"Save me daddy," whimpered Draco.

Rachel Grey jumped onto her desk.

"Quick!" she exclaimed. "If you value your innocence, your sense of naivety, and your breakfast – kill that woman!"  
Hilton laughed.

"Like, you can't!" she said.

"We can't use magic!" cried Theodore Nott. "We can't defeat her!"

Rachel pointed at Hilton dramatically.

"Use the chairs!"

Hilton began to look nervous as the sixth years rose and picked up their chairs.

"Not hawt," she whispered, stepping slowly towards the door.

"Attack!" cried Rachel.

"EEEEEEE!" screamed their professor.

* * *

Professor Dumbledore tapped his glass for silence as he stood.

"I'm very sorry to announce the death of our Sexual Education professor, Miss Paris Hilton," he said gravely, "it appears that while attempting to run from her classroom she tripped and fell, causing all of her arms and legs to fall off."

The Headmaster looked seriously at his students over his half-moon glasses.

"We don't know why she was running," he said, "but take this as a warning to you all: it is not hot to not eat."

The students all nodded solemnly.

"Poor Paris!" wailed Professor Granger, clutching the recently deceased's dog.

"Whimper," said the dog.

Rachel Grey simply rolled her eyes.

* * *

A/N: Greetings, would you like some meatloaf? Yes?

Oh, wait, I'm sorry – only the wonderful people who reviewed get meatloaf; enjoy, my feathered friends.

As for the rest of you - you know who you are – you get nothing except a pencilling in on the Naughty List.

You've got nobody to blame but yourselves.

Now, on to happier topics, next chapter is Number Twenty-One, and the same deal with reviews/strangers/joy/invasion is continuing.

However, we think we may invade Romania this time. Sweden was disappointingly simple. Reviewers may request gifts and/or towns to be burnt to the ground.

Until next time!


	21. Chapter 21

_Chapter Twenty-one _

Colin Creevy sat plotting in a cobwebby corner of the Library; but miserably, of course.

"There's got to be, like, some way I can make Harry all emo and stuff," he mused aloud, "but, like, how?"

He glanced at the shelf he was sitting beside and immediately spotted a small tome entitled _How To, Like, Make The One You, Like, Like All, Like, Emo And Stuff._

"Like, convenient, and stuff," muttered Colin, as he removed the book from the shelf.

"This is, like, no good," he moaned after reading the first ten chapters, "I've, like, _tried_ all this stuff, and stuff! He's just, like, too un-emo!"

But, even as he spoke, his eye was caught by the subtitle under Chapter Eleven: _what to, like, do when they're, like, just too un-emo._

Colin flicked his fringe. He would have smiled, but he wasn't that conformist.

He read the chapter as quickly as he could, his eyes flying over the pages.

The he replaced the book on the shelf, and settled down to mope.

And, then, with a flash of hardcore black light, Colin became much more than an emo. He became SUPER EMO!

Colin stood up and admired his very non-conformist black cape.

"Harry Potter," he announced, "prepare to be, like, emo. And stuff."

And, with a quick fringe rearrangement, he made his way to Gryffindor Tower.

* * *

Harry frowned as he viewed the results of his Divination homework.

"That can't be right," he muttered, "the arrangement of these coins says that I'll grow a fringe, and enjoy being sad. And that's obviously not possible."

He shrugged, and was about to start again when the loud bang! of the door hitting the wall encouraged him to whip around instead.

He gasped.

"Colin?" he said.

For there, silhouetted against the lights from the hallway, stood a slim figure with a huge spacer hole in one ear.

The figure nodded and stepped into the room.

"Nobody gets you," he said, pointing to Harry with black tipped fingers.

Harry gasped again.

"OMG … hardcore … like, stuff and stuff …" he muttered, clutching his head.

"What's, like, happening to, like, me?"

Colin flicked his fringe as Harry staggered towards Ronnie's full length mirror and gasped, yet again, at the reflection staring back at him.

For, as he watched, his fringe began to grow, and grow, and grow, until it fully covered one side of his face. Glasses appeared before his perfectly un-myopia-ed eyes and piercings sprung up over his face like weeds after rain. Eyeliner and mascara applied itself in thick lines and his skin grew even whiter than his natural British paleness. A tingling sensation in his hands encouraged him to look down, just in time to see his nails paint themselves black and his jeans become both tighter and darker than before. His shoes stretched themselves into faded gym boots. His t-shirt tightened and suddenly displayed lyrics from Behind Crimson Eyes.

Harry stood up shakily.

"Nobody gets me," he whispered tearfully.

Colin flicked his fringe.

"Me neither," he said quietly, staring deep into Harry's Killing Curse coloured eyes, "wanna, like, go out and stuff?"

Harry nodded.

"Like, yeah," he replied.

And as they shared their first kiss, only one thought was running through both of their heads; _… I've so got to blog about this on MySpace …_

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE DUMPING ME FOR COLIN CREEVEY?!"

Harry sighed and shook his head sadly.

"You don't get me," he said.

Draco fumed.

"This had _better_ be a joke," he hissed.

Harry flicked his fringe.

"Later," he said nonchalantly, and slumped out of the Great Hall, clutching Colin's hand.

Draco screamed in fury and threw his plate of liver and eggs at the wall.

The first years whimpered and hid under the table.

"I'll get Harry back if it's the last thing I do!" Draco screamed, and promptly stomped out of the room.

Silence filled the Hall. Not even Professor Black felt like dropping a pin.

Ronnie skipped into the Hall, happily whistling "A Troll Ate My Brother, But I Don't Care".

"So," she said brightly, "what'd I miss?"

* * *

Draco scowled as he watched Colin and Harry walk through the rain together from where he sat in the Astronomy Tower.

"It's been nearly a month!" he ranted. "And I _still_ haven't gotten Harry back!"

Ronnie nodded sympathetically.

"He's not being very easy to talk to," she added.

Draco threw his hands into the air.

"He just calls me a prep and turns up his i-pod! And Malfoys' are _not_ preps!"

"Hmmm," said Rachel Grey, from where she was leaning up against the cold stone wall, "have you tried blackmail?"

Draco scowled even harder.

"He apparently doesn't care for material possessions."

"What about Mr Sunshine Bear?" asked Ronnie.

Draco hung his head.

"He said that he didn't want a soft toy as conforming as Sunshine Bear. He brought an Emily the Strange cat instead."

Ronnie gasped.

"Tell me it isn't true!"

Rachel shook her head slowly.

"Well, I'm out of ideas."

Draco sighed.

"If only there was a way to make Harry remember just how good life without eyeliner was," he said.

Ronnie nodded.

"Well," said Rachel, "let's go sit around and hope he snaps out of it."

* * *

Harry sighed into his porridge.

"What's wrong, my little angel of death?" mumbled Colin, reapplying his eyeliner.

"I just feel so unworthy," sighed Harry, "I mean, my life sucks. My family used to hate me. But now they don't! Why don't they hate me?"

Colin nodded.

"Totally,"

Harry took a deep breath and continued.

"And my Godfather is alive again! Nobody rejects me because of my sexuality! My grades are good! My friends spend time with me and don't make me feel like any sort of wheel! I have a Godfather who loves me and tells me how to make fireworks! My father _was_ bitter and twisted, but now he just loves me, and tells me so several times a day! I'm rich enough to retire tomorrow! I have a car that I didn't have to pay for! I get so much sex I put lions to shame! I'm overly powerful and I'm also bloody good looking!"

He buried his head in his hands and moaned.

"Nobody is even trying to kill me! OH MY GOD! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?"

Colin smoothed his fringe and shook his head.

"I dunno. You've always got that 'saving people' thing. And you're, like, hero-ish and stuff, sometimes."

Harry sighed, but whatever he was about to say was cut off by the doors to the Great Hall flying open to admit a large group of Aurours, lead by a triumphant looking Neville/Alex.

"Arrest that man!" he cried gleefully, pointing dramatically at Count Olaf.

Before the Aurours could even move, the Professor leapt onto the table, his robes billowing around his ankles.

Harry caught a quick glimpse of an eye-shaped tattoo.

"You'll never catch me!" cried Olaf, pulling a blue toothbrush from his pocket.  
"To the Man-"

"ACCIO!" cried the Aurours, and the portkey was wrenched from Olaf's grasp.

"Detainimus!" shouted Neville/Alex, and Olaf was instantly handcuffed.

"HOORAH!" cried Klaus Beaudalaire from over at the Ravenclaw table. "Neville's saved the day!"

"HOORAH!" cried the Ravenclaws.

"PARTAY!" whooped Professor Dumbledore.

Harry brought his fists down on the table with a loud bang!

"THAT'S IT!" he screamed. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I'M JOINING THE DARK SIDE!"

The occupants of the Great Hall gasped in shock.

"Can I come?" asked Colin.

"NO!" screamed Harry. "YOU DON'T GET ME!"

The dark-haired boy rose and began walking towards the doors.

"Harry – no!" cried Draco desperately.

But Harry simply rolled his eyes as he stomped out of sight.

The Great Hall was filled with silence.

"Terminator" said River Tam, wisely, "yes, yes, yes."

* * *

Draco sat on his bed, sobbing loudly.

"There, there," said Rachel Grey, rather awkwardly.

"We've still got time!" added Ronnie, a touch desperately. "Harry wouldn't leave without updating his blogs!"

Rachel nodded.

"She's right," she said, "and he's got about fifteen."

Draco suddenly stopped wailing.

"That's it!" he said, snapping his fingers excitedly. "We'll have a fashion show!"

"That was a quick change of subject," muttered Ronnie.

"How's that going to help?" asked Rachel sceptically.

Draco smirked.

"It'll make Harry realise just what he's missing out on."

* * *

Harry sighed as he finished updating his very last blog.

"Time to be, like, dark and evil and stuff," he muttered, flicking his fringe so that it covered even more of his face.

He hoisted his badge encrusted messenger bag onto his shoulder and made his way towards the stairs.

As he descended from Gryffindor tower, a large sign caught his eye.

"EMO EXPO!" proclaimed the sign. "On the old Quidditch Pitch – RIGHT NOW!"

Harry shrugged.

"The Dark Side can, like, wait a little bit," he said, and slouched off to the old Quidditch Pitch.

* * *

"Here he comes!" whispered Ronnie excitedly. "All stations go!"

Draco nodded sharply and ran a hand through his hand nervously.

"This better work," he thought.

* * *

Harry walked onto the pitch and felt his jaw drop. For there, in the middle of the Quidditch Pitch was a huge pink catwalk, illuminated by purple spotlights and covered in a thick layer of glitter. Strobe lights were flashing, music was pounding, and Draco Malfoy was sashaying down the stage in all his glory.

Harry brushed his fringe off his face and continued staring. With both his eyes now unobstructed by hair, he noticed a small piece of text written on Draco's left thigh.

"_There's a reason why they call conformists 'yes-men'," _

Harry swallowed heavily.

"I wanna be a conformist," he whispered.

And, just like that, Harry began to change. His fringe shrunk, his clothes enlarged, his eyeliner dissolved as if wiped off by a giant invisible cleansing wipe, and – most telling of all – Harry smiled.

Draco leapt off the stage into Harry's arms.

"Oh, Harry!" he gushed. "I thought I'd lost you!"

Harry grinned.

"You know I could never turn down a naked albino!"

Draco scowled.

"That's it," he said, "Sunshine Bear dies tonight."

"Noooo!" cried Harry. "They told you?"

"Oh yes," nodded Draco, "but I figure if I tell you about my _My Little Pony_ collection, we'll be square."

Harry sighed happily.

"It's hip to be square," he said wisely.

"So," said Draco, "wanna rut like rabbits?"

"I'm gonna go over there now," said Ronnie, as Harry nodded eagerly.

Rachel produced a video camera from her robe pocket.

"This is gonna rock," she muttered, "move over Starrose!"

* * *

"It's so good to have you back!" said Ronnie as she stuffed her mouth with pancakes. "Ip wabnt das am wibop oo."

"Thanks, Ronnie," replied Harry cheerfully, "pity I can't remember anything about my time as an emo."

Draco shuddered.

"Count yourself lucky," he grumbled, "I'm never going to get the image of you and Creevy kissing out of my head."

Rachel smirked.

"It surely couldn't have been worse than that time Crabbe and Goyle experimented with nudism,"

Ronnie mimed vomiting.

Draco winced.

"I had almost repressed that," he whined.

Rachel helped herself to more toast.

"So sorry,"


	22. Chapter 22

_Chapter Twenty-Two_

Dumbledore rose and cleared his throat loudly.

"Today," he announced, "in celebration of a new month, I'm cancelling all classes in favour of an impromptu Hogsmeade Visit!"

"HURRAH!" cried the students, and most of the teachers.

"OMG," squealed Draco, "SHOPPING SPREE!"

"Spree?" said Harry in confusion.

Draco rolled his eyes and huffed.

"We're _gay_, Harry," he said pityingly, "it's what we _do_."

"Oh," said Harry, "right."

* * *

"Ooooo, I _love_ that peach and taupe coloured tunic!" gushed Draco as he flicked through hangers upon hangers of clothing.

Harry held up a shirt and twirled happily.

"Don't you just _adore_ the magenta trimming on this?"

"Oh, I do! It'll look just super with your Avada Kedavera Green Eyes™!"

Harry blushed.

"You're so sweet," he muttered.

Draco winked.

"And don't I know it."

"Found anything you like?" asked the shop assistant, fiddling with her chin stud.

Harry nodded.

"I'll take that tunic, this shirt, those dragon-skin trousers, that gorgeous caramel cashmere jumper, two of those silk shirts; one of the turquoises, and one of the mauve … hmmm … and that velvet jacket also,"

"Right," said the girl, "anything else?"

Draco nodded.

"Give us six of those black t-shirts with the witty comments, Brittney," he said, simultaneously gesturing to the aforementioned garments and squinting at the shop assistance's name badge.

"Cool," said Brittney, "and because you brought so much stuff, you get two free pieces of jewellery from our collection on the far wall."

"Fab!" squealed Draco, bounding over towards the display.

Harry followed as Brittney began adding up their purchases.

Draco squeaked happily as he held up a thin silver necklace.

"I'm getting this!" he said. "See, Harry? It's got a sweet little lion on it that reminds me of you …"

Harry smiled and held up another necklace.

"And I'm getting this one," he said, "because the dragon on it reminds me of you!"

The lovers looked deeply into each other's eyes, feeling like nothing could possibly distract them from each other.

"That comes to 47 Galleons," said Brittney.

"What?" said the boys in unison.

* * *

"I liked her chin stud," said Harry as he and Draco made their way down the street, carrying several bags, "I think I might get a piercing."

"That could be ok," said Draco pensively, "but not in your chin, it'll ruin your lovely teeth."

Harry nodded.

"How about in my eyebrow?"

Draco nodded firmly.

"Yes," he said, "that would be fine; I might even get one done, but in my ear."

"Wouldn't that look a bit girly?" asked Harry, screwing up his nose.

"I'd get that little bit of skin over my ear hole done," reassured Draco, "not my earlobe or anything."

"That'd be alright then," said Harry, "shall we go now?"

"Yes," said Draco, "let's go in to that salon just there, and then we can get our hair done as well!"

Harry grinned.

"Need to touch up your roots, love?"

Draco scowled and pushed him into a wall.

"Malfoys," he said snottily, "do not dye their hair."

And, with that, he strutted into the salon.

* * *

"You look great," breathed Draco, as he took in Harry's appearance.

Dressed in his new figure hugging trousers and mauve shirt and with a new haircut that incredibly fixed any and all faults his hair may have had, Harry looked very impressive.

"Thanks," grinned Harry, as he turned up his cuffs, "do you like my highlights?"

"They look gorgeous," said Draco happily, "I knew coming here was a good idea!"

Harry nodded.

"One last thing though," he said, as he admired both his eyebrow ring and the stud at the tip of his left ear in a conveniently placed mirror, "I wanna get a tattoo … you know, be an anti-hero, kinda thing."

Draco gasped with pleasure.

"Oooo! Of what?"

Harry paused.

"A fortune cookie," he finally announced.

"Ok," said Draco, raising his eyebrow, "why?"

"Because I like them," said Harry simply.

"Alright," replied Draco, "shall we?"

* * *

"Gosh," said Ronnie, "can you believe it's only twenty-three days until Christmas?"

Rachel Grey swallowed her vegemite slathered toast heavily.

"It is?" she said, sounding panicked. "I haven't even _started_ on Severus' present yet!"

Harry looked at her strangely.

"You're getting a present for my dad?" he asked.

Rachel fidgeted with her napkin.

"Ummm … yeah?"

Harry nodded cheerfully.

"Alright," he said, and continued drowning his pancakes in syrup, oblivious to the lustful looks many members of the Great Hall were currently throwing him.

"What are you going to get him?" asked Draco angrily, who _wasn't_ oblivious.

"I was thinking about going into the Forest and searching for some Mooncalf dung," said Rachel, "but I'll only be able to collect it on the night of the full moon, as the Forest is much too big for me to cover in one night, so I might just have to get him something else instead …"

"Nonsense!" proclaimed Ronnie. "We'll help you! As long as don't go anywhere near the Accomantulas …"

The rest of the group nodded firmly.

"Agreed," they chorused.

"Great!" said Ronnie. "it's settled; we'll go on the very next full moon!"

"When is that anyway?" asked Harry.

Rachel checked her watch.

"Tonight," she replied.

"Super," said Ronnie, but anything else she may have wanted to say was cut off by Headmaster Dumbledore.

"Announcement!" he proclaimed joyously. "As Professor Olaf is no longer a free citizen, we need a new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor!"

He gave a Level Three eye twinkle.

"Any volunteers?"

Severus Snape's hand flew up into the air.

"Me! Me!" he said breathlessly. "I'll do it!"

Dumbledore upped his eye twinkle another level.

"Ha! December Fool! I've already hired somebody!"

Severus scowled and reached for his wand.

"Awww, now, honey, you don't wanna be goin' 'n doin' that," said Hermione, "have some of y'all happy juice instead."

Severus obediently took the offered liquid and quickly drank it.

His face immediately brightened.

"Puppies are so cute!" he said happily.

Hermione beamed.

"Well, now, that's just grand! Let's adopt Sparkles!"

She plonked the tiny dog onto the table and, with a quick wave of her wand, replace the name of crapwawa's recently deceased owner with her own.

"I'm your new mommy!" she cooed.

The dog began to shake.

"Moving on!" said Professor Dumbledore, over Sparkle's whimpers and Snape's cheerful humming. "Our new DADA professor is … Mr Ian Rider!"

Applause filled the Great Hall as Professor Ian Rider strode up to the Staff Table. Alex/Neville whooped loudly, having survived his earlier jump to freedom with only a few scratches.

"Sadly," continued Professor Dumbledore, "we've been unsuccessful in our attempts to secure another Sexual Education Professor."

"HUZZAH!" cried the students.

Dumbledore waiting for silence, and then continued as if he hadn't even been interrupted in the first place.

"So, instead," he said, "we've duplicated a Muggle pamphlet that I confiscated from a Mr Tom Riddle about fifty-four years ago. Enjoy!"

With a quiet pop! A dull looking pamphlet appeared in front of each student.

"_Why Sex is a Sin_," read Harry aloud.

"Oh, no!" cried Draco, reading the first page, "I'm going blind! And hairy!"

"What?" asked Ronnie, who had ignored her pamphlet in favour of third helpings.

"It says here that if I touch my little dragon again it'll fall off!"

Draco looked at his hands in horror.

Dumbledore beamed as he ate his muesli, seemingly oblivious to the rising terror in the student body.

"What a cracking idea this was," he thought.

* * *

"For the last time Draco – sex is _not_ a sin!"

Draco whimpered and crossed himself.

"The pamphlet said it was!" he protested. "You should all do this crossy thing too so that you don't all go to Hell!  
Rachel Grey groaned and buried her head in her hands.

"I'm never going to get Severus' dung," she wailed.

"That sounded gross," said Ronnie, who was busy playing chess against herself, "let's just go without him."

"No!" said Harry. "I'm not leaving Draco here and brainwashed all by himself!"

"And we can't search the whole forest with just two people!" moaned Rachel.

"Come one, Draco," coaxed Harry, softly laying a hand on his thigh.

Draco shrieked and slapped his boyfriend's hand away.

"SIN!" he screeched, and rushed from the room.

"So," asked Louise Frost as she walked into the Common Room, followed closely by Fred and George Weasley, "what'd we miss?"

* * *

"Gosh," said Ronnie as the group of teens walked down the lawns towards the Friendly Forest, "it was lucky that Louise had a copy of _The_ _DaVinci Code_ in her pocket."

Harry nodded happily.

"Yup, and now Draco's back to being the sex loving heathen he always was," he said.

"And judging by the way he's carrying on about Mary Magdalene, he's never going to believe in religion again!"

"Great, isn't it?" beamed Louise.

"Now," said Fred, "how about we –"

"- go sacrifice a white goat!" concluded George.

Rachel shook her head.

"No sacrificing tonight, boys," she said, "just good ol' fashioned shit collecting."

"Did you know Elvis was actually Jesus in drag?" asked Draco.

* * *

A/N: To Whom It May Concern,

It has come to our attention that ten reviews were recived for Chapter Twenty. In response to this stellar achievement, two new chapters have been delievered for your enjoyment. The next installments shall be uploaded once another ten reviews have been submitted.

Thankyou for your time,

Yours,

TLLL

_Postscript:_ We shall soon be invading Albania. A request was also made to avoid invasions of Australia; however, there is nothing to fear here, as it is of limited enjoyment to invade a country that one already lives in. But, forays into politics may be made - if only to achieve the aim of throwing pie in parliment house. Good day.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: Dear Readers,

TADA! Ten new chapters for your literary enjoyment!

Tell me I'm not wonderful.

- TLLL

_Chapter Twenty-Three_

"Right," said Rachel Grey, clasping her hands in front of her, "we'll split up into groups of two-"

George cleared his throat loudly.

"- or three," continued Rachel, rolling her eyes.

"I bags Draco!" said Harry quickly.

"Oh no you don't," replied Ronnie forcefully, "you two wouldn't notice Mooncalf dung if it sung Shakespeare's complete works to the tune of 'Like A Virgin'."

Harry pouted.

"I resent the implication that my thoughts are constantly and unequivocally occupied with the instigation and/or receival of coitus, thus resulting in general ignorance in regards to the surrounding at any and all unspecified periods of time," he replied.

Ronnie blinked.

Louise beamed.

"Hear that? My intelligence amplifying charm seems to be working wonderfully!"

Harry nodded.

"Indeed," he said, "it does seem as though my vocabulary and command over the English language has increasing exponentially."

Fred whimpered.

"Make it stop-" he whispered.

"-it sounds like Percy," concluded George, shivering dramatically.

"May I enquire as to what you are implying?" frowned Harry.

"Eeeep!" cried the Weasley twins.

Rachel grabbed Harry's arm.

"Come on, Albert, we've got anal excretions to find."

* * *

"Look!" whispered Ronnie excitedly. "Mooncalves!"

"Wow …" whispered Draco reverently. "It's so beautiful …"

"Oh!" squeaked Ronnie. "They're going to dance!"

Draco held his breath in awe as he entertained the possibilities of the gracefulness and elegance of the upcoming dance.

"Let's get this party started!" announced one calf, pressing a large red button with her hoof.

Immediately the clearing was filled with a pounding bass beat, and the calves waved their hoofs in the air as they, presumedly, did not care.

"Oh dear," said Ronnie, as she watched the Mooncalves blow large whistles in time to the music, "we've stumbled in on a rave."

Draco nodded.

"No wonder this has never been reported," he said, "Scamander probably though he was hallucinating …"

"Can we get a whoop whoop?!"

"WHOOP WHOOP!" chorused the Mooncalves.

* * *

"I think the possibility of simply indivertibly stumbling across a herd of Mooncalves would be inverse to the amount of noise currently being produced," announced Harry.

"Shut it, you," grumbled Rachel, "how was I meant to know that there was a hole there?"

Harry rolled his eyes and sighed in a long-suffering manner.

But, before he could explain how to locate holes, without falling in them, a bright-blue telephone box-like thing appeared before them, spinning extraordinarily quickly.

Rachel and Harry watched with curiously as the spinning slowed, and a man emerged from the machine.

"Hello," he said, rasing a hand in greeting.

"Hello," said Rachel, "who're you?"

"I'm the Doctor," said the man, straightening his jacket.

"Doctor who?" asked Rachel.

"Exactly!" grinned their visitor.

Suddenly, Harry caught a glimpse of the man's face in an errant beam of moonlight.

He gasped loudly, and the Intelligence Amplifying Charm was cancelled by his shock.

"OMG!" he cried. "It's Barty Crouch Junior!"

"Not cool!" yelled Rachel.

"No, wait, really," pleaded the man desperately, "I can explain!"

"I'm sure," retorted Harry, and, with a quick flick o his wand, Barty Crouch Junior was bound tightly in thin black cords.

"Do you think Severus would like a captured Death Eater for Christmas?" mused Rachel.

Harry shrugged.

"We should bring him up to the castle anyway,"

Rachel nodded, and cast a quick levitation charm.

"Come along," she said to the currently floating prisoner.

And, with that, they made their way back to Hogwarts.

* * *

Louise re-did her shirt buttons.

"We probably should try to find those Mooncalves now," she said.

Fred nodded as he tried to straighten up his hair.

"Has anyone seen my shoe?" asked George.

"_Accio_ George's lost shoe," said Louise, and deftly caught the offending object as it flew towards her.

"Cheers," said George.

"Come on," said Fred, "let's go."

* * *

"How long do you think-"

"-we've been walking for?"

Louise looked at her watch.

"About half an hour," she replied.

"This is so boring," said George.

"Shh!" said Fred. "Did you hear that?"

Louise shrugged. "It's probably just the Lupin-Blacks."

Fred looked unconvinced.

"I heard somebody yelling," he said.

George and Louise strained their ears.

"I think I heard it," said George, "but what are they saying?"

"Rib bags?"

"Nib sags?"

"Bib lags?"

"There's only one way to find out," said Louise finally, with an excited glint in her eye.

Fred and George grinned at each other.

"Let's go!"

* * *

"I think that guy has two heads," whispered George.

"Awesome," breathed Fred.

Louise peaked out from being the tree stump the three teens were currently crouching behind.

"And I think he's actually saying Tibzag," she whispered.

Suddenly, one of the men accompanying the two-headed man spotted them and gave a shout.

"Greetings!" he said loudly. "Have you by any chance seen Tibzag?"

"I don't think so," said Louise, as she and the twins emerged from their hiding place, "could you describe it?"

But her question was ignored as the two-headed man noticed Fred and George.

"Incredible!" he yelled. "This fellow has two bodies! Incredible!"

"We're actually twins," said George, as Fred crossed his arms grumpily.

"Pleasure to meet you Twins, my good man!" shouted the man with two heads. "I'm Zaphod! President of the Universe!"

Louise rolled her eyes and turned to the miserable looking man in a dressing gown who had yet to speak.

"I'm Louise Frost," she said, extending her hand.

"Arthur Dent," replied the man, shaking the aforementioned limb, "I don't perhaps that you have tea on this planet?"

"Certainly," said Louise, flicking her wand, "is Earl Grey ok?"

Arthur nodded hopefully.

"There you go," said Louise, handing over the recently conjured cup of tea.

Arthur took a tentative sip.

"Oh," he sighed happily, "tea!"

Louise nodded.

"Yes," she said, "now may I ask what you are all searching for?'

"Zaphod's dog," replied Arthur, in between sips of tea.

"And the dog was lost in this forest?" enquired Louise.

"Not sure about that, actually," injected the tall black man who had greeted them earlier, "this is just where the Improbability Drive took us."

Louise nodded.

"I see," she said, "could you tell us what the dog looks like?"

"Perfectly normal," shrugged the man, "black, about seven foot when fully grown, three heads …"

"Three heads?" echoed Fred.

"Yes," nodded the man.

"Falls asleep when music is played?" asked George.

"Indeed!" boomed Zaphod.

"Ronnie knew a dog like that, back when she was a boy!" said Fred.

"But it was called Fluffy," added George.

"Shall we have a look at it anyway?" suggested Louise.

"Why not?" shrugged the man.

"Let's go."

* * *

"The Room of Requirement?" asked Ford Prefect, for, of course, that was the name of the man mentioned earlier. "I've never heard of one of those before."

"Not many people have," said George, "but they're-"

"-incredibly useful," concluded Fred.

"Well put, Twins!" roared Zaphod.

Arthur Dent sighed happily as he sipped his third cup of tea.

"Here we are," said Louise, as the group came across the required tapestry.

"Lovely," said Ford, leaning in to examine the embroidered trolls.

Meanwhile, Fred and George were pacing, and a door shimmered into view.

"Bi-heads first," said Louise, motioning towards the door.

Zaphod strode forward, gripped the handle firmly, and flung open the door.

"Tibzag!" he yelled happily as the large animal covered his faces in joyful licks.

"Well," said Ford, who was wearing a faded blue towel as a turban, "that's done. Come on, Dent, back to the ship!"

"I think I might stay on this planet, actually," replied Arthur, "they've got lovely tea."

"Alright," said Ford, patting his friend on the shoulder, "just remember all that I've taught you, and you should be able to survive a couple of days, at least."

Arthur nodded.

"Good luck, Ford," he replied.

"Pleasure to meet you all," said Ford, bowing towards Fred, George and Louise.

And, straightening his towel-turban, he stepped into the room with Zaphod and Tibzag.

"To the ship!" he cried.

There was a flash of bright light, and they were gone.

"Well," said Louise.

"This has been-" added Fred.

"- a very strange evening," finished George.

Arthur Dent nodded.

"Any chance of another cup?" he asked hopefully.

Louise flicked her wands and watched Arthur's cup re-fill.

"What are we going to do with him?" whispered George.

"My thoughts exactly," muttered Louise.

Fred yawned.

"Let's leave it til morning," he said.

The group nodded in agreement.

"You can sleep in the Common Room," suggested George to Arthur.

"And then maybe in the morning we can see about getting you a more permanent residence," said Louise.

Arthur nodded.

"Let's go," said Fred.


	24. Chapter 24

_Chapter Twenty-Four_

"Morning, Harry," yawned Ronnie, as she sat heavily at the Gryffindor table.

"Morning," replied Harry, wrinkling up his nose, "what's that smell?"

"Dung," replied Draco, sitting down on Harry's other side, and stabbing a rasher of bacon.

"Mooncalf dung," elaborated Ronnie.

"REALLY?!" cried Rachel Grey, vaulting over the Ravenclaw table. "You got it?!"

"Yeah," nodded Ronnie, "it's in Draco's trunk."

"Fouling up my trunks," added Draco, pouting at his eggs.

"We found a Deatheater," chimed in Harry, "that was kinda cool."

"Dung …" whispered Rachel blissfully.

"Look!" cried Ernie McMillan suddenly, pointing to the doors of the Great Hall.

Heads whipped as the students turned as one to view the orange haired man who had apparently appeared our of thin air.

Professor Dumbledore rose from his seat.

"And who might you be?" he asked slowly.

"I," said the man, slipping on his sunglasses, "am Horatio Cain."

Over at the Ravenclaw table, eleven year old Gill Grissom narrowed his eyes angrily.

"And _we_," continued Cain, "are here to solve … a _murder_ …"

The two women standing behind him nodded and gripped their cases.

"OMG!" cried Professor Granger. "Is this about Paris?"

"Yes," said Horatio, "… do you … know … _where_ she is?"

Hermione nodded enthusiastically.

"Sure thang," she said, "Hospital Wing."

"Thankyou," said Horatio softly, as he looked into the distance, "you've been a great help."

"You're a bit late though, aren't you?" asked Professor Black. "She's been dead about four days now."

"I," said Cain, turning his back to the staff table, "had some … _trouble_ … finding a time turner …"

And, with that, he strode from the room, his assistants trailing behind him.

"That," said Harry, "was the strangest thing I've seen for a long time."

Ronnie raised an eyebrow.

"Well," amended Harry, "since last night anyway."

* * *

The next couple of days were filled with electronica, high-resolution close-ups, and several very slow interrogations by Lieutenant Cain.

"Do you think they'll find out what really happened?" whispered Ronnie, as everyone took their seats for dinner.

"I guess so," replied Harry, "it's their job."

Horatio Cain strode into the Hall.

"I," he announced, "would like … a corn dog."

"A what?" asked Professor Flitwick, as the other professors exchanged looks.

"A … corn dog," repeated Horatio, "as the best forensic investigator … ever … _I_ ... deserve it …"

"You're not!" shouted Gill Grissom, pounding his fist on the Ravenclaw table.

Horatio turned slowly until he was facing the boy.

"You …" he said slowly, "are just a bug-obsessed nerd …"

The students gasped in horror and excitement.

"Are you gonna take that?" piped up a small Slytherin boy. "Let him have it, Bug Boy!"

Grissom rose from his chair and stomped to the front of the Hall.

"Watch … what you _say_," drawled Horatio, "you wouldn't want to …_ offend_ .. the star of this show …"

"You're not the star!" said Grissom in exasperation. "The EVIDENCE is the star!"

"I," replied Horatio, "believe ... you are … incorrect … _Bug Boy_ …"

Gill made a noise similar to that of an enraged Kneezle.

"Merlin, I hate you!" he cried, and swiftly introduced his knee to Cain's groin.

"OOOOOOO," chorused the assembled students and professors.

"Ahhhggg," groaned Horatio, as he sunk to the floor, clutching at his crown jewels.

Grissom smiled faintly and turned back towards Ravenclaw table.

Horatio narrowed his eyes at the retreating figure and reached for his handgun.

"Grissom!" shrieked a blonde Hufflepuff. "Watch out!"

Gill spun around with lightning speed.

"_Bugatakeca_!" he shouted and, with a quick flick of his wand, a huge torrent of black insects swarmed towards the orange haired investigator currently kneeling before him.

"Oh my God!" cried Horatio's two assistants as they entered the Great Hall to see their team leader being attacked by various six-legged creatures.

"Help … _me_ …" yelled Horatio.

"_Aerosolia_!" shouted Hermione, raising from her seat at the Staff table.

The bugs scattered, leaving Lieutenant Cain alone, clutching at his head as though it was his lifeline.

"H, are you ok?" asked the blonde investigator nervously.

Horatio looked up slowly, his eyes filled with horror.

He drew his hands away from his head.

Everybody present gasped; except for Grissom, who looked quite pleased.

"I," said Horatio, "am … bald …"

Louise Frost smothered a snicker.

"Oh, baby," comforted the second woman, "it's alright. We'll get you a lovely little wig."

"Alex," said Horatio, "…. Callie … let's go back to Miami … Hilton be dammed."

"Right," nodded Callie, slipping the thin chain of a time turner around their necks.

And, with a soft zing! The three Americans were gone.

"Thank Merlin that's over," said Draco, sipping his juice.

"Mmm-hmm," nodded Harry.


	25. Chapter 25

_Chapter Twenty-Five_

"Wake up, Harry!"

Harry jerked awake, and, consequently, fell out of bed.

"Merlin's beard," he groaned.

"Merry Christmas!" chirped Ronnie.

Harry's mood brightened considerably.

"Merry Christmas," he returned.

Ronnie began collecting their assorted presents.

"Room of Requirement?" she said, in response to Harry's confused expression.

"Oh," said Harry, "'corse."

* * *

Draco, Rachel, Louise, Fred and George were already waiting in a cosy lounge room when Harry and Ronnie reached the Room of Requirement.

"Finally!" exclaimed Fred, throwing a small ball of hair into the air.

"Oi!" exclaimed Louise, catching the object, which was, in fact, a small puffskein. "Leave Harriet alone!"

"She likes it," retorted Fred with a grin and, indeed, the puffskein was squeaking in a manner that could be interpreted as happiness.

"Morning, love," said Harry, giving Draco a quick kiss.

Draco grinned.

"Presents?" he asked shyly.

"Here," said Rachel, handing Ronnie a silver box. The red-headed girl eagerly began ripping off the wrappings.

Louise beamed as the unwrapped what appeared to be the entire collection of Encyclopaedia Wizania.

"Just what I wanted!" she exclaimed, pecking each of the twins on the cheek.

"Oh!" cried Draco. "A cursed dagger! Harry, you're so sweet!"

And then, without warning, he burst into tears.

"Are you ok?" asked Harry nervously.

"Of course I am!" snapped Draco, his tears vanishing as quickly as they appeared.

"Alright …" said Harry warily.

Draco sighed.

"I'm sorry, Harry, it's just … well it's that time of the year … you know …"

The look on Harry's face, however, made it quite clear that he did not know.

Draco sighed again.

"I'm a Veela," he said quietly, "and it's mating season."

"OMG," said Harry, "does this mean we get to hide ourselves in a room for a month and spend the entire time shagging?"

Draco shook his head.

"It's not constant," he said, "and it's two months."

Harry grinned.

"OMG!" squealed Ronnie, bounding over to the two boys and hugging Draco firmly. "_228 Totally Obscure Chess Moves Bound To Bore You Opponent to Forfeit_! Thank you Draco!"

Draco wheezed loudly.

"Can't breathe …" he gasped.

"I wonder if Severus liked his present?" mused Rachel.

* * *

"OH MI GAWD, baby, what's that SMELL?" shrilled Hermione, clutching her nose.

"Mooncalf dung," replied Severus happily.

"Ew!" exclaimed Hermione.

Severus frowned slightly, which went unnoticed by Hermione.

"Oh!" she cried, wrapping a small pink box. "My ring!"

She proudly held up the small gold band.

"Now we can get married, Sevvy!"

* * *

"THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW?" shrieked Rachel Grey.

"Yeah," nodded Louise, "Harry told me that Hermione got the ring back yesterday."

Rachel let out an enraged howl.

"There, there," said Louise awkwardly, "you've still got all of today … maybe you could just up the dosage a bit?"

Rachel grinned manically.

"Oh," she said, "I'll up the dosage alright."


	26. Chapter 26

_Chapter Twenty-Six_

"Hermione's acting very strangely today, isn't she?" said Ronnie, reaching for another sandwich.

"Well," replied Harry, "she's been acting strangely all year, but I think you're right."

They look up to the Staff Table, where Hermione was currently singing something about banners and star spangles, and nodded.

"Hermione?" ventured Severus nervously.

Hermione paused in her singing to screech furiously, "my name is 'MIONE!" How many times do I have to tell y'all!?"

Severus cowered.

"Oh," huffed his fiancé, "git 'r dun!"

"Pardon?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"Can't y'all even understand plain-speaking English?" replied Hermione angrily.

"Are you sure that was English?" interjected Professor Vector. "Because I'm English, and I have no idea what you just said."

Hermione pursed her lips together very tightly and attempted to frown.

"What's wrong with your facial muscles?" asked Professor Sprout.

"Did you get stung by a Billywig?" asked Remus in concern. "My mother was allergic too, and she was always just freezing …"

"Oh," yelled Hermione, "shut up!"

Remus looked shocked.

"Y'all are so MEAN!" continued Hermione. "I'm going home!"

"Norwick?" asked Sirius in confusion.

"No!" shouted Hermione. "I'm going back to my _birth town_ - Missouri!"

"But you were born in Sussex," said Professor McGonagall.

"MISSOURI!" screamed Hermione, and, with a flick of her hair, she stomped from the Great Hall.

"Well," said Professor Dumbledore, "that was exciting."

Severus Snape burst into tears.

* * *

"Do you think we should visit your dad, Harry?" asked Draco as breakfast ended.

"Yeah," said Harry, "he seemed pretty upset last night."

Ronnie nodded.

"He must be really devastated to miss breakfast," she added, missing the exasperated looks swapped between the two boys.

"Did you say you were going to visit Severus?" asked Rachel eagerly, slipping into a seat near the two.

"Yeah," replied Harry, "we've all got a free period this morning, so we're going to go right after breakfast."

"Oh," said Rachel, disappointedly, "I've got Arithmancy."

Suddenly her face brightened.

"I'll have to go see him later, alone!"

Harry blinked at the bright light reflected by Rachel's wide grin.

"Thanks!" she beamed. "Bye!"

"Well," said Draco, rubbing his eyes, "shall we go?"

* * *

CRASH!

"That doesn't sound good," muttered Draco.

Ronnie winced as the sound of smashing glass came again from within the Potions classroom.

Harry reached for the door handle.

"Come on," he said, "we can't cheer him up just by standing out here."

Ronnie nodded.

"You first," said Draco.

Harry popped his head around the door.

"Dad?" he called tentatively.

"Harry," said Severus shortly as he threw another beaker at the stone wall.

"Dad," said Harry, "I know you're upset …"

"I'm not upset," snapped Severus, picking up a jar of beetle wings.

"Right …" said Ronnie, sounding supremely unconvinced.

"I'm bloody well INFURIATED!" roared the Potions Master, executing a perfect overarm.

"Infuriated?" queried Draco.

"Enraged, outranged, displeased, piqued, irate, furious, incensed, pissed off!" elaborated Snape, as he stalked around the classroom, looking for anything else breakable.

"Because Hermione left you?" asked Ronnie.

"No!" said Severus, giving up and sitting down.

"Then why?" inquired Harry.

"Because she confounded me, drugged me on Obedience Potion, Elixir of Euphoria, and a Love Draught and then attempted to bind herself to me for life!"

"Oh," said Ronnie slowly, "yeah, I can see how that'd leave you a bit annoyed."

Severus glowered.

"But hey!" said Harry. "At least now you're back to normal!"

"Not quite," drawled Draco, "he would be taking points from Gryffindor if he were completely normal."

Snape nodded.

"Unfortunately, I still have this dratted Fatherly Love™ thing to worry about,"

"Or perhaps you're just getting mellow in your old age," suggested Ronnie.

"FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

* * *

"Welcome back everybody!" said Dumbledore warmly. "I trust you all had a relaxing break. I have a few announcements to make; firstly. Instead of having another Dance-Off, we will be having a Talent Show! Anybody can enter and the winner, or winners, will each win 100 points for their House!"

The students began to gossip excitedly amongst themselves.

"Secondly," said Dumbledore, holding up a hand for silence, "I'd like to introduce our new Ancient Runes professor – Miss Joan Igmernoe!"

The students clapped politely.

"I have this strange urge to forget I ever heard of her," muttered Harry.

"Yeah," said Ronnie, "me too."

"And, finally," continued the Headmaster, "there will be a Parent Teacher Night held on the 31st of March to display your special projects to your family!"

Draco quirked up an eyebrow.

"Say what?" yelled Seamus.

"Oh," said Dumbledore cheerfully, "I forgot to mention those? You each must create something to demonstrate your understanding of your subjects!"

Several students groaned.

"You'll be making something for most of your classes," continued Dumbledore, "and your best ones will be displayed at the Parent Teacher Night for all to see!"

A few of the younger students began to whimper softly.

Dumbledore gave a Level Four eye twinkle.

"Have fun with that!"

"Are you going to enter the Talent Show, Harry?"

"Nah," replied The-Boy-Who-Lived, "I don't really have a talent."

"Not one that's fit for general viewing, anyway," drawled Draco.

"What about you, Ronnie?"

Ronnie shook her head.

"No," she said, "I mean, I'm good at chess, but that's not very exciting."

"Zabini's entering," interjected Draco, "he's going to be doing impressions, apparently."

"Well," said Ronnie, "he's got a bit of a natural advantage there, doesn't he?"

"Not entering, chaps?" asked Fred, leaning against Ronnie's head.

"Us neither," continued George, watching Ronnie scowl, "we've been trying to convince Louise to enter, but no joy so far."

"What can she do?" asked Harry.

"Swear in 3527 languages," said George promptly.

"Now if that's not talent, I don't know what is," added Fred.

"Impressive," said Draco.

"Speaking of impressive," continued George, "you've been noticeable less moody lately."

Harry nodded happily.

"Harry's been helping me through it," said Draco.

"Yeah," added Ronnie, "they 'work through it' most every night."

"Hey," said Harry, "at least we always use Silencing Charms."

Draco shuddered.

"Riiiight," said Fred, "we don't want to know."

"See you!" said George.

"Oh, and by the way, Harry –" added Fred.

"-wash your face," finished George.

"Whaa-"

Harry's eyes widened as he felt behind his ears.

"Ew," said Ronnie as three large carrots fell to the floor.

"Cool!" said a group of passing first years. "Harry Potter vegetables! Heroic _and_ nutritious!"

"Great Merlin," said Draco, as potatoes began to drop heavily onto the carpet, "let's go outside or something."

* * *

"Hey Remus, hey Sirius,"

"Hey, kiddo," replied Sirius, slapping Harry on the back, "you testing out vegetarianism?"

"Nah," said Harry, pulling a large string of tomatoes out from beneath his collar.

"Fred and George," said Ronnie, by way of explanation.

"Ahhh," said Remus.

"Explains a lot, doesn't it?" said Draco, flopping down on a couch.

"Where are the pup-kids?" asked Harry, adding to the vegetable drawer.

"Hogmeade," said Sirius, "they're doing a day a week at Madam McKrills'."

"Just to make sure they get used to others being in their territory," added Remus, taking a seat opposite the teens.

"How old are they now?" asked Draco.

"They're the equivalent of a human six year old," responded Remus, "but technically, they're only six months old."

"That's still confusing," commented Harry.

"So," said Sirius," any of you guys entering the Talent Show?"

"Nah," said Ronnie, as the two boys shook their heads, "are you?"

"No," said Sirius, "Lynx wants to though."

"What about you, Remus?" asked Harry.

Remus shook his head, "no."

"He should though," grinned Sirius, "did you guys know that my little Remy-babe was once a movie star?"

"Really?!" enthused Ronnie, as Remus blushed and stuttered modestly.

"Go on," encouraged Harry, "what movie?"

"American Werewolf in London,"

"I saw that once," said Draco.

"You did?" said Sirius happily. "Remmie was great in it, wasn't he? He was the werewolf."

"Gosh," said Harry, "really?"

"Wouldn't have picked that one," added Draco.

"I'm tall," said Ronnie inconsequently.


	27. Chapter 27

_Chapter Twenty-Seven_

"Hey Louise," called Ronnie as the trio walked across the smooth green lawns towards the castle.

"Hey!" replied Louise, bounding over towards the group. "What's up?"

"Not much," said Harry, "you?"

Louise held up an old tin watering can proudly.

Draco eyed it suspiciously.

"Are you feeling ok, Louise?"

"Yup," she nodded, "this is for Arthur."

"My dad?" asked Ronnie in confusion.

"I pose my question once more," said Draco.

Louise grinned.

"I forgot! You guys don't know Arthur!"

"It's not my dad, then?" said Ronnie.

"Fred, George and I met him in the Friendly Forest that night," explained the black-hair girl. "He's been off Earth for a while, and he's obsessed with tea. That's what this is for," she continued, gesturing with the watering can, "he's created a small tea plantation in the old Transfiguration classroom."

"Right," said Draco.

"You should come and meet him," said Louise, "he's got heaps of interesting theories about the meaning of life and stuff."

* * *

"Harry,"

The boy in question looked up from his Charms homework in surprise.

"Yes, Professor?"

"Would you mind accompanying me to my office?" said Dumbledore quietly. "There is a matter of great importance to be discussed with yourself and Ms. Grey."

"Hey," said Rachel, from where she was leaning against a couch.

"Er, sure," said Harry.

"Very good," replied Dumbledore, and with a subtle nod, gestured for Harry to lead the way from the Gryffindor Common Room, "shall we?"

* * *

"What's the matter, Professor?" asked Harry, sitting in one of the comfortable chairs that where arranged on the other side of Dumbledore's desk.

"I trust you both remember the Death Eater you captured in the Friendly Forest?" said the Headmaster, steepleing his fingers.

"Yeah," replied Rachel, as Harry nodded.

"I'm sorry to inform you that he has escaped custody,"

"Say what?" cried Harry.

"Indeed," said Dumbledore sagely, "from the accounts I have retrieved, I have been able to concur that he was, in fact, set looser by a young female and neither of them have been seen since."

"Typical," said Rachel, "they never do hang around after they've been set free, do they?"

"It's an unfortunate fact," nodded Dumbledore, "now, would either of you like a sherbet lemon?"

* * *

"Hey, Harry," said Ronnie as she watched the customary influx of owls entering the Great Hall, "have you found out who's been sending you all those presents yet?'

Harry shook his head.

"Nope, but they sent me a Siberian Tiger for Christmas,"

"And bags of sweets almost every day since then," added Draco, "it's bizarre."

Ronnie shook her head.

"I'll tell you what's bizarre," she said, "watching Rachel hit on Professor Snape."

"You have a good point," agreed Draco.

"As long as she never starts wearing hotpants, it's within my un-bizarre range," interjected Harry.

"Hopefully there's not much chance of that happening," commented Ronnie as she reached for another slice of toast.

Draco opened his mouth to comment, but was cut off my Professor Dumbledore standing and clearing his throat.

"Don't forget the Talent Show tonight!" he called happily. "Seven o'clock sharp!"

"Do you think the Hufflepuffs will win this one as well?" mused Ronnie.

"I hope not," muttered Draco, "that McMillan is becoming unbearable."

"I think Blaise has got a good chance," said Harry, "his impressions are defiantly something."

"A result of genetic mutation?" suggested Louise, slipping into a nearby seat.

"Well," said Harry, "yeah …"

"Did you enter?" asked Draco.

"Nope," replied Louise, "Fred, George, and I have much more _pressing_ issues to attend to …"

"Enough information," added Ronnie hastily.

"How's things with Jarred, by the way?"

Ronnie grinned.

"Really great! We've been taking dancing lessons and we've really connected through them. I think he's The OneTM …"

"That's awesome," said Louise, reaching for the raspberry jam.

Fred and George bounded into the Hall.

"Louise!" called George.

"You have got to see this spider we charmed…"

Fred trailed off as he caught sight of Ronnie's face.

"You alright?" he asked, taking in her rapidly paling complexion.

"No!" sobbed Ronnie. "Jarred's leaving me for the Loch Ness Monster!"

* * *

"It could be worse," said Harry tentatively, "he could have left you for Sasquatch …"

Ronnie continued to cry both loudly and messily.

Draco sighed.

'_Desperate times,'_ he thought to himself.

Standing, he strode over to Ronnie and gripped her firmly by the shoulders.

"Girlfriend," he stated confidently, "you don't need no man to make you whole – especially not some fresh-water bottom-dwelling moron who doesn't appreciate what a beautiful soul you are!"

Ronnie gaped at him.

"You're right!" she cried. "I _don't_ need no man!"

As she stomped from the dormitory, Harry stared at Draco in shock.

"What was that?" he finally asked.

Draco shrugged.

"Just challenging my inner Oprah,"


	28. Chapter 28

_Chapter Twenty-Eight_

Harry was just finishing his Potions homework when Sirius walked into the Common Room and plopped down beside him.

"Hey, Sirius," said Harry, scratching down the last couple of lines, "what's up?"

Sirius shrugged and put his feet up on the table.

"Not much," he replied, "Remus is dropped the kids off at his parents' for the night, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to ask you if you knew why Ronnie's burning all of her bras."

Harry scratched his head.

"I have no idea," he said.

Sirius nodded complacently and rested his hands behind his head.

"Who understands women anyway," he said.

Harry shrugged.

"There's a reason why I stick with men, Harry," added Sirius wisely, "and it's not just because of that whole mating for life stuff either."

* * *

"Quick!" said Draco. "Over there!"

Harry darted forwards.

"Brilliant," he said, sitting down as he did so, "good view from here."

Draco nodded as he took his seat.

"I'm obviously just very …" he began, but trailed off as he watched Seamus.

"What?" said Harry, turning so they were facing the same way. "Whoa…"

Seamus had gone deathly pale. His pupils were so dilated that his eyes seemed entirely black. He appeared to have having difficulty speaking and he was swallowing heavily.

"Poison?" suggested Draco, listening to Seamus' heavy breathing.

"No," said Harry, looking over his boyfriend's shoulder, "Ronnie."

"No … bras …" gasped Seamus.

Ronnie jogged over to greet someone, and Seamus lost his losing battle.

He collapsed to the floor, a thin trail of blood trickling from his nose.

"You ok there, Finnegan?" asked Rachel, leaning over her seat to peer at the Irish boy. "You've got a little something just there …"

With one delicate finger she wiped the blood from his face, and then quickly popped her finger in her mouth.

"Ew," stated Louise, "that came from his nose."

Rachel shrugged.

"Ten second rule," she said.

"That's about food," replied Louise, "and floors."

Rachel simply shrugged again.

"Good evening," cried Dumbledore suddenly, "and welcome to _Hogwart's Got Talent_!"

The assembled students applauded enthusiastically.

"First up!" continued the Headmaster. "First year Hufflepuff, Aretha Franklin!"

* * *

Draco flipped through the programme absentmindedly.

"This chap's alright," he commented, "who is he?"

Harry checked his own programme.

"Wolfgang, from first year Ravenclaw, apparently," he replied.

"What a name," muttered Draco.

"I think I liked those other first years better," said Harry, "you know, the ones with the band?"

Draco nodded.

"They were alright, but they could have worked on their name a bit more."

Harry nodded as Draco continued.

"I mean, The Grate Day just doesn't sound right …"

* * *

"That's the end!" called Dumbledore happily. "Now everyone gets to vote! Write the name of who you think should be the winner on the piece of parchment in the back of your programme!"

There was a general flurry as people scrabbled for quills and programmes.

Dumbledore hummed cheerfully as he waited for the results to be submitted.

"Alright!" he announced finally. "The winner for tonight's show of _Hogwart's Got Talent_ is …"

The crowd held its breath. The contestants crossed their fingers.

"The Grate Day! Come on out Billy, Patience and Greg!"

"HUZZAH!" cried the first years.

"You each get 100 points for your respective Houses!"

"HUZZAH!" cried the crowd.

"And," beamed Dumbledore, "you all get stickers!"

And, with a quick flick of his wand, everyone in the room had a shiny new sticker on their robes.

"Great," said Harry, examining his glittery pirate flag.

"Good night!" twinkled the Headmaster, and the students went to bed.

* * *

Harry winced and covered his eyes.

"Hey, Ronnie," he said, "why aren't you wearing bras anymore?"

Ronnie tossed her hair defiantly.

"I don't feel the need to be held down by those man-made shackles," she replied.

"Alright," said Harry, "but maybe you should avoid Seamus? Madam Pompfry reckons he's getting really close to permanent brain damage."

Ronnie scoffed.

Seamus walked into the room, and promptly collapsed.

Harry winced again, but Ronnie simple stepped over the fallen Irish boy.

"I'm going to have a shower," she announced, "but I won't be shaving my legs or underarms!"

"We live in Britain," muttered Harry, "it's unlikely anyone is going to be seeing them anyway."

"I feel no need to conform to the Beauty Myth!" cried Ronnie as she exited the room.

Harry massaged his temples slowly. It was going to be another long week.

* * *

Harry brushed pink confetti from his bacon and sighed.

"Why the long face?" asked Fred, plopping himself down in the seat next to Harry.

"Ronnie's still at it," muttered Harry, "no other girl does this!"

"Maybe Hermione made her a bit too girlish?" suggested George, sitting down and reaching for the eggs.

"That would explain a lot," sighed Harry, "but it doesn't fix anything."

"Cheer up!" said Fred, slapping Harry on the back. "It's Valentine's Day! A day for love, joy, happiness –"

"- and early nights," added George with a wink.

Harry nodded.

"You're right. I'm going to go find Draco."

"That's the spirit!" said Fred.

"Another happy customer," commented George, as Harry strode purposely towards the Slytherin table.

"We should start charging," said Fred.

* * *

Rachel Grey walked into the Great Hall and immediately began gazing dreamily at the only empty chair at the Staff Table.

"It's a bit disturbing when you do that," commented Louise as she waved to the two male redheads at Gryffindor Table.

"He hates Valentine's Day," murmured Rachel happily.

Louise rolled her eyes.

"So do you," she said, "but I bet you got him something anyway."

Rachel nodded as they sat down.

"Venus Flytrap," she said, reaching for the fruit salad.

"You're weird," stated Louise.

Fred and George nodded in agreement.

Rachel just stared at Snape's chair.


	29. Chapter 29

_Chapter Twenty-Nine_

"Hey Harry, Draco; wanna play Truth or Dare?" called Parvati.

Harry shrugged.

"Alright," said Draco.

Ronnie waved to them as they sat down.

Harry scanned the group. Almost all the of Sixth Year seemed to be there, along with a few Fifth Years and one or two Seventh Years.

"Right," said Lavender imperiously, "first everyone has to swear to tell the truth and do go through with the dares -"

"What if doing the dares could be seriously damaging to our health?" asked Zacharius Smith, eying Fred and George nervously.

Lavender rolled her eyes.

"You only have to do it if it's safe," she replied.

"Duh," added Parvati helpfully.

"Ok," continued Lavender, "now everyone swear."

"I swear," chorused the assembled students.

"Shit," said Fred.

"Fuck," said George.

"Damn," said Louise.

"Whatever," scowled Parvati, "I'll go first. Ginny – truth or dare?"

Ginny thought for a second.

"Truth," she said.

"How many guys have you … er … 'done'?"

Ginny looked thoughtful.

"Probably around … two hundred and fourteen," she replied.

Fred choked on his butterbeer.

"What?" he croaked as Louise and George pounded his back.

"Ummm .." said Ginny, "…Harry, you're next! Truth or dare?"

"Truth," said Harry.

"What's something you've never told anyone before?"

"I can talk to flamingos," said Harry quietly.

Draco shook his head in disbelief.

"I _knew_ those things were following us," he said.

Harry blushed.

"Louise," he said, "truth or dare?"

"Truth," said Louise.

"What's your middle name?"

"Helena," Louise replied easily, "Ronnie, truth or dare?"

"Dare," grinned Ronnie.

Louise grinned evilly.

"Kiss Seamus,"

The Irish boy in question looked like he was only just hanging on to consciousness.

Ronnie huffed, but made her way over to Seamus nonetheless.

Seamus hurriedly leant into the kiss the redhead, his eyes open wide.

But the moment their lips touched, there was a huge flash of light and a loud ping! echoed around the room.

"OMG!" yelled Hannah Abbott, once her eyesight had been restored. "Ronnie's Ron again!"

Ron gaped at Seamus, and then at the tight singlet and mini-skirt that he was wearing.

"Bloody hell!" he gasped. "What am I _wearing_?"

"That's hot," gasped Seamus, and fainted.

Harry cleared his throat.

"Uh, welcome back, Ron, mate," he said.

Ron scrambled over to Harry and gripped his shoulders tightly.

"Harry," he gasped, "mate, what's going on?"

Harry rubbed his head.

"Maybe we should go upstairs, this could take awhile …"

* * *

Ron paced the dormitory anxiously.

"So, Hermione – who recently moved to America - turned me into a girl; you're dating Malfoy – who's not evil; Sirius is alive and has six children with Remus; Snape is your dad – and he's not evil; we don't have Quidditch anymore and Fred and George came back to school?"

Harry nodded.

"Oh, and Ginny was a whore, but now she's dating Blaise Zabini," added Rachel Grey.

Ron nodded absentmindedly.

"And you're an exchange student?"

Rachel nodded.

"Why don't I remember any of this?" Ron asked desperately.

"Stress, probably," suggested Louise.

"Do I _want_ to remember?"

Harry thought of Jarred.

"Probably not," he replied.

Fred and George ruffled Ron's hair.

"Look on the bright side," they said in unison.

Ron scowled.

"Which is?" he said.

"You don't remember kissing Seamus!"

Ron paled.

"Bloody hell," he whispered faintly.

"Nice one," said Draco, as Ron passed out, "that really cheered him up."

* * *

"Get away from me Seamus! I'm a bloke! I don't fancy you!"

Ron was having a hard time coming to terms with the idea that he had spent almost six months as a girl, and several boys still appeared to like him quite a lot.

Harry sighed.

Ron finally loosened Seamus' grasp and was able to sit down.

As he piled bacon onto his plate, Ron glanced at Harry nervously.

"Am I manly, Harry?" he asked.

"'Course," replied Harry, pouring more pumpkin juice, "very manly."

"Coz I'm not a girl," stated Ron, "I'm a bloke. And blokes are manly."

Harry nodded unenthusiastically.

"Hey, Ron," said Louise, as she walked by, "how are you today?"

"I'm a bloke!" shouted Ron. "I'm MANLY today!"

Harry groaned.

* * *

"What've we got now?" asked Ron, hoisting his bag onto his shoulder.

"Divination," groaned Harry.

Ron groaned empathetically.

"Then what?"

Harry checked his timetable.

"Herbology,"

"What a morning," muttered Ron, "come on then."

"Yeah, wouldn't want to miss a moment of death, doom, and destruction," grumbled Harry.

"Hey Harry!" squeaked a group of first years as they bounded down the North staircase.

"Hi," said Harry.

"Hey Ronnie!" added a few small Hufflepuffs.

Ron glowered.

"It's Ron," he ground out.

"Come on," said Harry hurriedly.

"They called me Ronnie – again!" protested Ron.

"Bye Harry, bye Ronnie!" called the first years.

Ron scowled, and, with a flick of his wand, the first years found themselves covered in slime.

Harry sighed.

"Come on," he said, "we've got class."

* * *

"This lesson," said Professor Trelawney breathlessly, "we will begin the fascinating study of flame patterns."

Harry rolled his eyes as he flicked his wand to create a blazing fire in the receptacle provided.

"See anything?" muttered Ron.

Harry squinted and turned his head to the left a little.

"Fire," he commented.

Trelawney flittered over to them.

"Ronald," she whispered, "what images are present in your flames?"

Ron scratched his head and screwed up his eyes.

"Toast," he said finally.

"Ahhh," said Trelawney mysteriously, "I see you are well connected to your feminine side …"

Ron gave a roar of fury and upturned the table.

"I'm a bloke!" he shouted, and stomped from the room.

"Such a sensitive soul …" said Trelawney, "what about you Harry, dear, what do you see?"

Harry stared into the fire.

"I think I know my future," he said.

"Really?" asked Trelawney excitedly. "Do continue, my dear."

"I'm going to be leaving this realm soon," Harry deadpanned, and promptly followed Ron's example.

* * *

"Good morning," greeted Professor Sprout, when all of the class was assembled in Greenhouse Five, "I'm sure many of you will want to get a head start on your special projects, so feel free to work on whatever you wish!"

She winked at Neville/Alex and then busied herself with re-potting Howling Daises.

"What're you gonna do?" asked Ron.

Harry shrugged.

"I'm making bonsais from Whomping Willow seedlings," boasted Neville/Alex.

"Good for you," shot back Ron, "fat lot of use they are."

"What are you doing then?" challenged Neville/Alex.

Ron thought fast.

"I'm going to cross Screaming Sunflowers with Tripping Gerberas to make a plant that'll alert people when someone goes into a room they're not meant to," he said.

"Oh," replied Neville/Alex, "alright then."

"How're you going to do that?" asked Harry, once he was sure that Neville/Alex wasn't listening in.

Ron shrugged.

"Dunno,"

Harry flipped through his textbook.

"I might make a plant that grows really big vegetables," said Harry, "you know, end world hunger and stuff."

"Good idea," said Ron, "how're you gonna do that?"

Harry shrugged.

"No idea," he said, "might just wave my wand a bit and see what happens?"

Ron nodded.

"I find a bit of wand waving usually helps," he said encouragingly.

"I'll test it out on this bit of fungi first," said Harry, pulling a small piece off the chair he was sitting on.

"Go for it," said Ron.

Harry raised his wand and closed his eyes.

'_Grow really big_,' he thought.

"Something's happening!" said Ron excitedly.

Harry's eyes shot open.

Sure enough, something was happening.

The fungi glittered as it grew, and grew, and grew.

"Ha," said Ron, "look, that big right there looks like a mouth."

"Yeah," replied Harry, "does, doesn't it?"

And that's when the fungi straightened up and proclaimed in a loud, booming voice.

"DESTROY!"

"Oh, bollocks," whispered Harry.

* * *

"DESTROY, DESTORY, DESTORY," said the fungi.

"Stop!" said Harry, as the rest of the class ran screaming from the greenhouse. "Stop!"

The fungi swivelled around from where it had been crushing the desks and fixed it's furry stare on Harry.

"DESTROY!"

Harry gasped.

"You can't destroy me!" he shouted. "I created you!"

The fungi lumbered forward.

"I was created to DESTROY!" it roared.

"Fuck," said Harry, pressing himself against the wall.

"DESTROY," countered the fungi.

"Die, plant scum!" shouted Ron, leaping out from behind Professor Sprout's work table.

"Ron, no!" cried Harry, as the fungi reached for the redheaded boy.

Ron grabbed a large bucket of purple liquid from Professor Sprout's desk and threw it at the fungi.

"Noooooooooo," groaned the plant as it fell to the floor with a crash.

* * *

Harry edged forward nervously.

"What was that?" he asked.

Ron shrugged.

"Dunno," he replied, "I just saw the danger sign and figured I should chuck it at him."

Harry grinned.

"Well done, mate," he said.

Ron grinned back.

"That was pretty manly, wasn't it?"

* * *

During dinner, Harry looked to the Staff Table to see that his father was absent.

'_I should visit him_,' he thought.

"Good idea," said Louise.

"What?" asked Draco.

"Nothing," said Louise soothingly, "just talking to the voices in my head."

"Right," said Ron, shifting away from the girl.

"Ahem," said Dumbledore, tapping his glass to gain the attention of his students, "I've got an announcement!"

"Great," said Fred.

"We're not sick of these at all," deadpanned George.

"I'm very pleased to announce that we've got a new student, all the way from the Future!" continued Dumbledore. "Artemis Fowl – come on down!"

A pale boy in a suit walked on to the stage and stood next to the Headmaster, looking quite bored.

Dumbledore motioned for Filtch to hand him the Sorting Hat, which he unceremoniously dumped on Artemis' head.

The Hall was silent as the Hat deliberated where to place the boy.

"Hmmm," said a small voice in Artemis' ear, "yo looking pretty smart thar bro."

Artemis mentally rolled his eyes.

"But yo being a sneaky little dude wit it," continued the Hat, "and yo got a power habit, don't cha?"

"_Did anybody ever tell you that your style of speech in inherently ridiculous?"_ thought Artemis.

"I should put yo arse in wit the Huffers for that, kid," said the Sorting Hat.

_"I'd be running the House within the week,"_ commented Artemis.

The Sorting Hat huffed.

"SLYTHERIN!" it yelled aloud.

"Well done, well done," twinkled Dumbledore as Artemis lifted the Hat off his head.

"Over there," added Professor Black, pointing helpfully to the Slytherin Table.

Artemis nodded and went to sit down.

"Wasn't that fun!" said Dumbledore.

A few students exchanged sceptical glances.

"I'm gonna go visit Dad," said Harry.

"Alright," nodded Draco, "say hello to him for me."

Harry nodded and made his way from the Hall, his mind on the New BoyTM.

* * *

"Harry," greeted Severus, "how was dinner?"

"Alright," said Harry, "there's a New BoyTM in the Seventh Year."

Severus nodded.

"I know,"

"He seems familiar," added Harry.

"He's Sirius Black's fourteenth cousin, fifty-three times removed," said Severus, pouring himself a glass of blood-red wine.

"Oh," said Harry, "that makes sense."

Severus sipped his drink.

"I'm thinking of going to America," he said.

Harry thought about this idea for a while.

"Why?" he asked.

"I was considering poisoning the water supply," replied Snape calmly.

"No, Severus," boomed a deep voice, "that is not the way."

"God?" wondered Severus, looking at his wine in suspicion.

"Don't be silly," said Harry, "God's a girl."

"Really?" boomed the voice.

Harry nodded.

"Yeah," he said, "and she wants everyone to eat more vegetables."

"Oh," said the voice.

"Who are you?" demanded Severus.

A tall boy stepped out from behind a conveniently placed velvet curtain.

Severus gasped.

"William?" he muttered.

"Who are you?" asked Harry.

"I'm Severus' long lost son," said William quietly.

"No," replied Harry, "that's me."

"No," said William, "it's me."

"It's both of you," said Severus, "Harry, William – meet your twin brother."

The boys gasped.

Ron flung open the door.

"Say WHAT?!"


	30. Chapter 30

_Chapter Thirty_

"Why didn't anyone tell me?" asked Harry.

Snape sighed and motioned for everyone to sit down.

"When James and Lily were killed," he began, "I rushed to the Hollow. I search the rubble in the short time that I had, and I found William. But before I could find you, Harry, Hagrid arrived, and I fled, fearing that, because I was a Death Eater, he would, understandingly, blame me for the attack."

"But you weren't really a Death Eater," added William.

Harry nodded.

"He was Just Pretending™!"

Severus nodded.

"I took William to Germany, and left him in the care of my cousin, Vlademia,"

"She's a vampire," whispered William to Harry and Ron.

"A German vampire?" said Ron.

William shrugged.

"She likes lederhosen,"

Snape cleared his throat.

"Sorry," said William, "we're listening."

"Meanwhile, Hagrid had found Harry and, on Dumbledore's orders, took him to his Aunty and Uncles' home. They pretended to hate him."

"Why was that?" asked Harry. "I never really understood."

"It was Albus' idea," drawled Severus.

"Oh," said Harry, "I guess that _does_ make sense."

"And when Harry arrived at Hogwarts, I also pretended to hate him,"

"That could have seriously traumatised him," interjected William.

"He once jumped off the Owlery roof," said Ron.

"I was fine, wasn't I?" demanded Harry.

"Moving along," stated Snape, "I never thought I would be able to tell Harry that truth, but, before the start of the school term, I was firstly drugged and then dismissed from being a Death Eater."

"So you came to see me," said Harry.

Snape nodded.

"I also tried to find William, but Vlademia had sold him to a band of travelling gypsies from the warm blood of a cockerel."

"Harsh," commented Ron.

"The band was travelling around Europe," said William, "and when we arrived in Britain, I took my chance – and escaped!"

"And here you are," finished Harry.

"And here I am," agreed William.

"There's one thing I don't understand," said Ron.

"Just one?" muttered Severus.

"Who was speaking in that really deep voice before?" asked Ron. "It wasn't you, William."

"No," said William, leaning over the back of the couch and retrieving a large grey cat, "that was Hank."

"Hey," boomed that cat, "got milk?"

* * *

Everyone seemed to accept that Harry had a long lost twin brother fairly easily and things soon went back to normal. Except for the fact that Colin Creevy spent an unnaturally large portion of his time hanging around William; Hank the Talking Cat attempted to engage other felines in philosophical discussions with usually violent results; and Rachel Grey began inventing poisons to help Severus in his quest to wipe out the population of America. 

"For the last time, Rachel – No! I will not help you go on a killing spree!"

Rachel shrugged.

"It's really more of a rampage,"

Louise threw her hands in the air.

"Will somebody back me up here, please?"

"You shouldn't kill all of the Americans," said Fred.

Louise nodded happily.

"The French are much worse," added George.

"Argh!" shouted Louise. "You're impossible!"

And, with that, she stomped off.

"Hmm," said George, "who would have thought there'd be a person out there who didn't want a mass American genocide?"

Fred shrugged.

"Where do you think she's gone?" asked Rachel.

* * *

"Send the entire Sixth Year on an excursion to America?" repeated Dumbledore. 

Louise nodded.

"I think it will help international relationships," she said.

"What a cracking idea!" beamed the Headmaster. "You'll leave on Tuesday!"

Louise checked her watch.

"That's tomorrow," she said.

Dumbledore gave a Level Two eye twinkle.

"Better start packing then," he replied happily.

* * *

"Right!" said Sirius, bouncing on his heels, "is everyone ready?" 

The students nodded and murmured affirmatives.

"Get a hold on the person next to you," said Professor McGonagall, "and do ensure you don't let go too soon."

"Ten seconds," drawled Severus.

"TEN," said the students, and Sirius.

"NINE,"

Harry grinned at Draco and squeezed his hand.

"EIGHT,"

Rachel Grey sulked as she held onto Neville/Alex and stared at Severus, who was gripping Sirius Black' shoulder.

"SEVEN,"

George patted his pocket to check that his Super-Dooper Extra Large Maxi-Pack of Dungbombs was secure.

"SIX,"

Louise grinned at Fred, who was winking at Ron.

"FIVE,"

Ron winced as Seamus tightly gripped his hand.

"FOUR,"

Lavender Brown hummed as she tried to remember which number came next.

"THREE,"

Blaise Zabini blew a kiss to Ginny as she waved him off.

"TWO,"

Hannah Abbot grinned happily and gripped Justin Finch-Fletchly's hand as they shouted the last number.

"ONE!"

Professor McGonagall was the first to feel the tug behind her navel. The sensation travelled quickly through the group and – with an impression of rushing air and fast spinning –

"Welcome to America!"

* * *

"Attention, students," called Professor McGonagall, as the group chatted and shuffled around the hotel lobby. "You will be staying in rooms equipped for four, the groups for which you may decide amongst yourselves." 

The students quickly shifted into groups.

Ron looked around the lobby and groaned.

George grinned and ruffled his younger brother's hair.

"Looks like you're in with Fred, Louise, and me, mate,"

Fred winked.

"Don't worry," he said, "we'll be quiet."

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat.

"May I remind you, Mr Weasley, that this is a school trip on which you are representing the entirety of Hogwarts and, as such, no _hanky-panky_ shall be tolerated."

Fred saluted cheerfully.

"Yes, ma'm," he said, "there'll be no hankys or pankys from our group."

"I'm sure," drawled Professor Snape.

Dean Thomas slipped in a large puddle.

"Awww, man," he groaned, "this isn't water."

Rachel Grey hurriedly wiped her mouth.

Sirius Black appeared, carrying with him and large handful of keys.

"Come and get 'em!" he called.

"We begin our activities tomorrow at seven o'clock," added McGonagall, "be sure that you are ready to leave at that time."

Fred and George each slung an arm around their little brother's shoulders.

"Come along, Ronniekins," grinned George.

"Roomie," added Fred.

"Great Merlin," groaned Ron.

Louise winked at him.

"My Silencing Charms are awesome," she said reassuringly.

"But, then again," said Fred.

"She's forgetful," concluded George.

Ron gulped.

* * *

"Look at all the Muggles!" 

"Shut up, Hank," hissed William.

The grey cat huffed.

Louise fell over.

"It's easier to walk if you look in the same direction as your feet," suggested George as he helped her up.

"I keep seeing People I think I know," explained the brunette.

"Look, Harry!" said Draco. "A giant talking mouse!"

"It's a costume, Drake," replied Harry lovingly.

Ron sighed happily as he chomped down his third hotdog.

"I love Disneyworld," he said.

"Mommy, mommy," shrilled a little boy, pointing at Rachel, "is that a vampire?"

The group of teens turned to look at Rachel, who was wearing a long black cloak with a pointed collar and her massive black hat.

"No," said the boy's mother, uncomfortably.

Rachel adjusted her sunglasses nervously.

"For Frond's sake," hissed Louise, "would you just smile at them or something?"

"They look suspicious …" added Fred.

Therefore, Rachel smiled at the American Muggles.

"HOLY HELLS!" shouted the woman.

"VAMPIRE!" shouted a random man.

"RUN!" yelled George.

"RUN!" agreed the Americans.

* * *

"I had a redskin!" protested Rachel. 

Professor McGonagall sighed.

"Nonetheless," she said, "we will be leaving earlier than expected – we really can not afford to linger."

Rachel looked at her feet.

"Sorry," she said.

"Perhaps you should just try to dress a little … _less_ like Professor Snape …" suggested McGonagall gently.

Rachel looked up at her with terror-filled eyes.

"You're going to tell Louise, aren't you?" she whispered.

Professor McGonagall nodded sadly.

"I'm sorry, Rachel," she said, "but it's for the greater good."

* * *

Louise clapped her hands together happily. 

"You look great!" she trilled. "No one will suspect you of being a vampire now!"

Rachel continued to stare at her reflection in disbelief.

"I look so … chipper …" she muttered.

Louise nodded cheerfully.

"Yup!" she said. "And look! I even fixed your hat!"

Rachel took in the brightly coloured hate and its new motif of happily bouncing bunnies and sweet little baby squirrels.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

Louise grinned.

"You betcha. Now, come along, my fluorescent friend - we've got canons to gawk at!"

* * *

"Wow," said Ron. 

"Sure is a big hole," said Harry.

"Don't you think that the reason that people come to see this natural phenomena because it relates to the emptiness of life?" asked Hank.

Will rolled his eyes at his cat's antics.

"Yeah," he said, "I was just thinking that exact thing."

"This is boring," said Draco, "it's just a hole."

Harry nodded.

"It could use a little livening up," he said.

George winked at Fred.

Louise grinned at the twins.

"I dare you to," she whispered.

* * *

"Can _anyone _explain to me _why_ the Grand Canon suddenly filled with green, glittery water?" drawled Snape, glaring at the assembled students. 

Louise whistled innocently.

"Frost," snapped Severus, "give me your wand."

Louise reluctantly pulled her wand out of her sleeve and passed it to the professor.

"_Prior Incantatem_," said Snape, flicking the wand sharply.

A large, slightly translucent, pink cloud issued from the wand, and hung in the air for a few seconds before dispersing.

"You're the one who died all my underwear!" gasped Neville/Alex.

Louise sniggered.

Severus rubbed his temples slowly.

"Weasley," he demanded.

"Yes?" said Fred, George, and Ron in unison.

Snape held out his wand impatiently.

The Weasley boy handed their wands to the professor.

"_Prior Incantatem_," repeated Snape.

The translucent images of a piece of toast, a large flower and a berét appeared in the air.

Professor Snape sighed and returned the wands to their owners.

"We'll be leaving for New York in the morning," he snapped, "as soon as I finish explaining what happened to the FBI."

Rachel sighed dreamily as he swept from the room with a final billow of his cloak.

"OMG!" squeaked Lavender Brown. "I, like, so totally love your top!"

"She's talking to you," whispered Will in Rachel's ear.

Rachel scowled.

"I'm going to kill Louise."

* * *

"At least today seems to be going smoothly," said Professor McGonagall. 

"I wouldn't expect it to last," replied Professor Snape, eying the Sixth Years suspiciously.

"Hey, look!" shouted Professor Black. "A brown duck!"

"What?" cried Justin Finch-Fletchly from where he was standing next to a huge group of chattering tourists.

"He says it's a bomb!" yelled one of the more paranoid onlookers.

"BOMB?!" screeched a woman with purple hair.

A man in a black suit put his finer in his ear.

"We have a bomb threat on the Statue of Liberty," he muttered, "repeat, bomb threat, Statue of Liberty, over."

Harry looked up to see a horde of helicopters breaching the skyline.

Professor McGonagall sighed heavily.

"I'm going to kill Albus."

* * *

"Today we will be visiting the Amish people," announced Professor McGonagall, "and it would be _appreciated_ if nothing unexpected happened during our visit." 

The students nodded obediently.

"We'll be travelling by coach," said Professor McGonagall, "this way, please."

* * *

"Finally!" declared Ron, leaping out of the coach. "Fresh air!" 

Harry and Draco followed a little less enthusiastically.

"Who are the Amish anyway?" asked Draco.

"They're Muggles who don't like using new technologies like cars or the internet or hairspray," explained Harry.

Draco gasped.

"No hairspray?" he said in shock. "What about wax?"

Harry shook his head sadly.

"How do they _live_?"

"So," said Ron, "they're kinda like Squibs?"

Harry shrugged.

"Guess so," he said, "I mean, they don't use Muggle stuff, but they can't do Magic either so …"

"Follow me, please," said Professor McGonagall, "Annette is going to demonstrate butter churning."

The small woman standing next to the professor smiled and waved to the students.

Draco gaped.

"What is she _wearing_?"

* * *

"Have you ever build a barn before, Harry?" asked William as the group made their way down a long hallway towards the exit. 

Harry shook his head.

"Nope," he said, looking around at the group, "have you seen Draco lately?"

"Nope," replied Will, "have you, Ron?"

"Nah," said Ron, "he's probably just lagging behind."

Harry peered over the group.

"I can't see him," he said.

"Hey, George," yelled Ron, "is Draco back there with you?"

"Nah," shouted George, "we haven't seen him since the butter churning."

Harry sighed.

"We better go find him,"

"No need," said Will, pointing to where Draco was being dragged towards the group by Professor McGonagall, who seemed to have a grip on his ear.

"What's he done?" wondered Ron.

Professor McGonagall muttered something quietly to Professor Snape, who rolled his eyes and sighed heavily at the blonde boy.

Harry glanced out the window.

"Oh, he didn't …" he groaned.

Will and Ron followed Harry's gaze out of the window to where they could see a small group of Amish children, all with spiked up hair and smart new vests.

"Oh, he did," sniggered Ron.

Will shook his head in disbelief.

"Only Draco," he said, "would pull a Queer Eye on the Amish."

* * *

"You know, Louise, I don't think I will poison all of the Americans," said Rachel. 

Louise smiled.

"Good to hear," she replied.

Rachel nodded.

"They'll probably start a war with someone soon, anyway," she continued, "and then I won't have needed to bother."

Louise rolled her eyes.

"Louise, dearest," said Fred, flinging an arm around her shoulders, "feel like a dip?"

"Down the massive waterfall right in front of us?" replied Louise. "I'll pass."

Fred sighed heavily.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to tell George that we'll have to resort to Plan B …"

"Oh, gee," said Louise, "I'm so scared."

Fred grinned.

"You should be,"

"Alright, everyone!" called Sirius. "It's time to blow this joint!"

Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape cast quick Notice-Me-Not spells over the group, and Sirius produced a small model of Big Ben from within his robes.

"Same deal as before," he said.

The students quickly arranged themselves so that the entire group was connected, and waited for the countdown to begin.

"Counting down from five!" shouted Sirius.

"FIVE!" yelled the students.

Rachel smirked happily as she held Professor Snape's hand.

"FOUR!"

Louise gave a small yelp as George aimed an Aquamenti Charm down the neck of her robes.

"I dislike you immensely," she said, as the twins chuckled quietly.

"THREE!"

Will winced as Hank licked his ear.

"You're just doing that because you know I can't let go, aren't you?" he hissed.

The cat giggled.

"TWO!"

Harry sighed happily.

"This has been a really nice trip," he said.

Draco nodded.

"Let's visit again sometime,"

"ONE!"

Ron grimaced as Seamus pressed himself against him.

However, he didn't have to suffer for long, as, once again, the group felt he familiar tug of the Portkey and, in what only seemed a few seconds, they came to a sudden halt in the Entrance Hall of Hogwarts.

"Thank Merlin," said Professor McGonagall, and promptly left for her office.

"I need a drink," mumbled Severus.

"Wasn't that fun!" grinned Sirius, as Snape billowed away towards the dungeons. "Let's do that again!"

"Welcome back, everyone!" said Professor Dumbledore. "Would you like a sherbet lemon?"

"I'd like to know what's _in_ those sherbet lemons," muttered Fred.


	31. Chapter 31

_Chapter Thirty-One_

"Today you will be working on your projects for the Parent Teacher Night," drawled Professor Snape, "I will be confiscating anything I feel is below par, and you will receive a D grade for them. Begin."

"What are you going to do?" whispered William to Harry.

Harry shrugged, "no idea. You?"

William shook his head.

"I can't really think of anything good enough," he replied.

Ron flicked through his textbook.

"Maybe I could invent something that would make Seamus take a hint," he mumbled, glaring at the staring Irish boy as he did so.

Harry opened his mouth to reply, but before he could articulate even a single syllable, there was a massive BOOM! And the entire class found themselves covered in a thick apricot coloured gloop.

"Oppps," said Neville/Alex.

Severus glared at the unfortunate boy.

"What," he hissed, "were you attempting to produce, with such dismal results?"

Neville/Alex swallowed nervously.

"Age-Reversing Potion," he said quietly.

Severus scanned the goo-covered class.

"Thankfully," he snarled, "it appears you have failed."

"Ummm, sir?" said Ron.

"What?" snapped Snape.

"Harry's gone,"

The class began to search the room frantically.

"He's here!" cried William. "But he's …"

Will held up a small black-haired boy.

"… about six years old," he finished.

"I want juice!" squeaked Mini-Harry.

Severus groaned.

"I feel funny …," moaned Draco.

The rest of the class nodded in agreement.

Severus rubbed his brow slowly as he viewed his class.

"And I thought they were immature previously," he muttered.

* * *

"The Sixth Year Potions Class have been turned into six year olds!" announced Dumbledore during Lunch. "The Seventh Year students will look after them until Professor Snape can find the anti-dote!"

"This must be some sort of joke," muttered a pale Slytherin boy.

"And it's not a joke!" added Dumbledore, treating his students to a Level Three eye twinkle. "Although it is terribly funny!"

* * *

"We've got to do something," declared Marietta Edgecombe, "they're driving us all insane!"

The rest of the Seventh Years nodded as they murmured their agreements.

"That's why I've called this meeting," declared Cho Chang, "there has got to be something one of the teachers can do to make them normal again."

"We could feed them Aging Potion," suggested Marcus Flint.

"Tried it on Seamus," said Katie Bell, "just gave him the hiccups."

Angelina Johnson checked her watch.

"We should go," she said, "they'll be awake soon."

The group shuddered in unison.

"Who knew that small people could be so scary," muttered Cedric Diggory.

* * *

Cho Chang scanned the Great Hall.

Food plastered the walls and floors. Messy stick figures decorated any available surface. Toys littered the room. And, constantly, there came the pitter-patter of little feet, and the squeaked questions that could only come from the six-year old mind.

"What's that?"

"Can I have it?"

"Is that yours?"

"Do you love girls?"

"How do cats catch mice?"

"Why?"

"Do you have cooties?"

"Do I have to?"

"Why?"

"How does it work?"

"Can I have some?"

"Who's that?"

"Why?"

"Why?"

"Why?"

Cho stood up from the Ravenclaw Table.

"I can't take it anymore!" she screamed. "When will they be back to normal?!"

Dumbledore checked his watch.

"Well, well," he said, "it's been almost two weeks! I guess they should grow up now."

And, with a wave of his hand, the Sixth Years were back to their original ages.

"You could turn them back all along?" demanded Cho.

Dumbledore twinkled happily.

"Yup!" he said.

"Why didn't you do it earlier then?" said Cho, slightly exasperated.

Dumbledore shrugged.

"Just for shits and giggles, I guess,"


	32. Chapter 32

_Chapter Thirty-Two_

"Well done, Harry, dear," twittered Aunt Petunia, "this singing daisy is lovely."

"Very impressive," boomed Uncle Vernon.

"You should have seen my first Herbology project," said Harry, "now that was impressive. Terrifying, but impressive."

Aunt Petunia smiled uncomprehendingly.

"We best go talk to your professors," she said.

Uncle Vernon nodded.

"Quite right, dear," he said, "Harry, could you point us in the right direction?"

"Sure," said Harry, "Professor Black and Professor Lupin are just over there."

"Ah, yes," nodded Uncle Vernon, "the queers. Come along, dear."

* * *

"Hey, Hazza," said Louise, appearing by Harry's left shoulder.

"Hey, Louise," replied Harry, "where are your parents?"

Louise shrugged.

"They couldn't come," she said.

"Oh," said Harry, "sorry."

"It's cool," said Louise, "at least I don't need to bother explaining to them why my Transfiguration Project ate Filch."

"Ah," said Harry, "…right."

"Harry, love!" called Molly Weasley, bustling over to the teens. "How are you, dear?"

"Great, thanks, Mrs Weasley," wheezed Harry, attempting to breathe through the tight hug he was currently trapped within.

"And, you, Louise!" said Mrs Weasley, rounding on the scared-looking girl. "How are you?"

"Good, thanks," squeaked Louise, submitting to a stifling hug.

"And can I be expecting any grand-children soon, dear?" asked Mrs Weasley.

Louise looked at her with wide eyes.

"Ahhhhh," she stalled, "… no …"

Molly patted her on the shoulder.

"That's ok, dear," she said, "I understand if you're having a little bit of trouble."

Louise seemed to have lost the power of speech.

"I've got a potions I can lend you though, love, so don't you worry," continued Mrs Weasley with a conspiratal wink.

Louise continued to stare uncomprehendingly at the redheaded woman.

"That'd be great," interjected Harry, "she's speechless with gratitude."

Louise regained the ability to glare.

Molly patted the girl on the cheek.

"I'll owl it to you, dear," she said mothering, and bustled off again.

"So," said Harry, "how do Fred and George feel about children?"

Louise glared at him angrily.

"Tell them and die," she hissed, and stomped off, pausing to drag Rachel Grey away from Professor Snape as she went.

Harry grinned.

'_Draco's right_,' he thought, '_being evil **is** fun!_'

* * *

Ron checked the calendar as he ate breakfast.

"Can you believe we're already halfway through May?" he asked. "Nothing weird has happened for ages!"

Harry chewed his bacon thoughtfully.

"It is strange," he said.

"Harry's still getting anonymous gifts," said Draco, "that's a little weird."

"Yeah," said Ron, "but it's also kind of expected. I bet that the universe is just waiting to spring some weirdness on us."

Harry laughed.

"You're just paranoid," he said, "there's no reason why we can't just have a normal, boring end of term."

Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat.

"Guess what?" he beamed. "We're going to have a Mardi Gras!"

Ron nodded slowly.

"What did I tell you?" he said.

"Hey, Ron," whispered Seamus, "wanna come to the Mardi Gras with me?"

Ron calmly flicked his wand, and Seamus found that his skin was a fluorescent orange.

"Thankyou, Louise," said Ron, and continued eating his toast.

Harry looked thoughtful.

"Ron could be right …," he said.

* * *

Harry slowly pushed open the door to his father's quarters.

'_Strange that he left it open_,' he thought, '_it's almost as if he was in a really big hurry or something …'_

"Dad?" he called aloud, as he entered the lounge room. "Dad are you – OH, GREAT MERLIN! Rachel! Are you fucking my dad?!"

Rachel sat up from where she had been leaning over the Potions Master and wiped her mouth.

"Umm," she said, "yes. That is absolutely correct. I was defiantly not sucking the blood from his neck, in any case."

Severus nodded and wiped his neck.

Harry winced and closed his eyes.

"Ron was right," he groaned, "the weirdness is back."

"We're going to get married," said Severus.

Harry nodded.

"Alright," he said, "when?"

"Two weeks time," said Rachel, "after the Mardi Gras."

Harry nodded again, his eyes still closed.

"Right," he said, "well, I'm going to go help Draco build a float, or something. Bye!"

Severus watched his son run blindly from the room.

"He handled that quite well,"

Rachel nodded.

"He's a bit clueless though, isn't he?"

* * *

"Hey guys!" called Sirius.

"Hey," replied Harry, "Oh, wow, Sirius! You're wearing pants!"

Sirius nodded.

"Yup," he said, "it's me and Remus' anniversary!"

"Pants are generally worn on the legs," said Draco.

"That's what Wolfy-babe said," replied Sirius, "but I think they fit much better around the headal area."

Harry nodded.

"Makes sense,"

"So," said Sirius, "what's your float going to be?"

"It's a Trojan Horse," said Draco proudly.

Harry pouted.

"But Draco says I'm not allowed to get naked around it,"

Sirius grinned.

"Too bad, Lady Godiver," he said, "maybe next time."

"Don't encourage him," replied Draco, "I found him in the Friendly Forest the other night, trying to attract Thestrals."

Harry grinned sheepishly as Sirius roared with laughter.

"I just wanted to see what it'd be like ..." he said.

Draco rolled his eyes.

"Ron _was_ right," he muttered.

* * *

Louise gasped with pleasure as she entered the Great Hall on the night of the Mardi Gras.

"Oh!" she said, clapping her hands together in delight. "It's so glittery!"

Fred blinked and shielded his eyes with his hand.

"Sure is," said George.

"I feel kinda sorry for the straight boys though," said Louise, "poor Ron looks terrified."

Fred chuckled.

"So does that Artemis chap,"

The trip turned to watch Artemis duck behind a float, as Cedric Diggory rushed through the crowd after him.

"Good ol' Dumbledore knows the right things to make compulsory, doesn't he?" said George.

Suddenly, a loud whistle cut through the ambient noise filling the Hall.

"Oh, Lord," said Louise, covering her eyes.

"Great Merlin," blinked George, "Fred, did you put something in my drink?"

"Nope," replied Fred, "the Headmaster really _is_ wearing a glittery silver thong and a matching feather boa."

"Butler!" shouted Artemis into his watch. "Get me out of here!"

The Weasley twins waved at the pale Irish boy as he vanished from view.

"Poor sod," said George.

"Just couldn't hack the weirdness," added Fred.

"Shhh!" hissed Louise. "The Parade is about the start!"

The crowd applauded enthusiastically as Draco and Harry's float entered the Hall.

"First up!" commentated Dumbledore. "Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy with their Trojan Horse!"

Suddenly, the Hall filled with thick, dark smoke.

"Help!" cried Seamus. "I can't see!"

The air filled with the panicked screams of the crowd.

"Don't worry!" yelled Dumbledore. "If we all huff and puff as hard as we can, we can blow this smoke down!"

Louise rolled her eyes, despite the fact that nobody could see her.

But then, without warning, the smoke cleared as quickly as it had appeared.

Dumbledore beamed.

"It worked!" he said happily.

"OMG!" screamed Lavender Brown, pointing to a tall figure standing in front of the Float Parade. "It's He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"

"You-Know-Who?!" shrilled Parvati.

"OMG!" cried the students in unison.

"Um, hello," said Voldemort, "I just wanted to speak to Harry Potter."

Harry leaped off his float, and walked slowly towards the Dark Lord.

"This is it, then," he said, his bright red hot pants sparkling in the light, "the Final Battle™."

He drew his wand.

"Do your worse, Voldemort," he continued, "I've got more love in me than you can handle."

"I don't want to kill you, Harry," said Voldemort, raising his hands, "I just … I just … I wanted to know if you'd be my friend."

Harry lowered his wand in confusion.

"What?"

"Well," continued the Dark Lord, "I kept sending you letters and presents and things, but you never replied, so I thought I'd come and ask you in person."

"That was you?" asked Harry.

"Yes," said Voldemort, wringing his hands, "my psychologist says I need to make amends with my former enemies."

"You killed my mum and dad!" yelled Harry. "You think a car is going to make up for that?"

"I'm really sorry," said Voldemort, "I wish I could bring back all of the victims of my reign of terror …"

"You can!" interjected Louise. "Dead people are like Tinkerbell! They're only real if you believe in them!"

Voldemort blinked in surprise.

"Well," said Harry, "that made marginal sense, at least."

"Really?" asked the Dark Lord.

Louise nodded.

"Oh," said Voldemort, "I'd better give it a go then."

And so Voldemort closed his eyes, and clenched his fists and thought really, really hard about all the people that had been killed and wished as hard as he could that they were all alive again and …

"Mum!" cried Harry. "Dad!"

Voldemort opened his eyes.

"It worked!" he said, smiling happily at all the people who were now alive again.

"Well done, Dark Lord, ol' chap," said George.

"Please," said Voldemort, "call me Tom."

"Oh, Harry," said Lily, it's so good to see you again!"

"You too, Mum," replied Harry, "and you, Other Dad."

"Call me James," said James, ruffling William's hair.

"I have a question," said William, "how come you guys are the ones that got married if Severus is our dad?"

"Oh, that happened after the wedding," replied James, "you know these threesomes – no one's really sure what's going where!"

Harry nodded.

"That makes sense,"

"Well," said Lily, "I'm glad. Now we can all live Happily Ever After™!"

"Not so fast!" shouted Dumbledore, throwing off his feather boa and magicing his g-string black. "If you want a Happily Ever After™, you'll have to go through me first!"

The crowd gasped in shock.

"That's right!" continued Dumbledore. "I'm not the sweet-loving fool you all thought I was! I'm a bad, bad man!"

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake," he said, "like this hasn't been dragged on long enough already."

He waved his wand sharply, hitting the Headmaster with a bright yellow light.

Dumbledore grinned.

"Exams are cancelled!" he announced cheerfully. "Let's party!"

"HUZZAH!" said the crowd.

"Huh," said Fred, "what do you suppose that spell was?"

"Looked like a variation of the _majoploticanpointus_," said Louise.

"Right," nodded George, "well, it looks like everything turned out well anyway."

Louise smiled as she scanned the crowd; taking in all the joyful people that had returned from the dead; the loving, dancing couples; and the glitter falling from the ceiling and nodded.

"Yes," she said, "it looks like it has."

And everybody lived Happily Ever After™.

The End

* * *

Dear Reader,

To help us improve in servicing you, please complete this short questionaire.

Please place an X in the appropriate boxes.

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I would not feed this to my neightbours' dog.

It was like a budget smorgasborg; mostly awful, with a few slightly amusing bits.

I am currently sitting on the fence.

It reminded me of daytime television; amusing, but slightly disturbing.

It was bigger than Ben Hur and Sliced Bread. Put together.

I offer you my first born child as a fair trade to all of the amusment I have recieved from this collection of words.

2. Would you recommend this story to your friends?

Only if I wanted to kill them.

It would depend on what my horoscope was on that particular day.

Indeed. And if they refused to read it, I would hold them hostage until they did.

3. Did we fail to mention any cliches?

No, you are obviously gods merely pretending to be pathetic mortals.

Yes, I am dismayed that you did not unleash your sarcastic powers on my most hated of literary devices.

4. If yes, which one/s?

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	33. Author's Note

Dear Readers, and Beloved Reviewers;

As you may or may not already know, a sequel for Harry Potter and the Clichés of Doom is currently in developmental stages. Any suggestions for clichés, plot bunnies, and/ or fillers would be greatly appreciated. Because, you know, if you think it's funny, chances are that we will too.

Also, Harry Potter and the Clichés of Doom will soon(1) be available in hard copy form. These will not be available for purchase, as that would probably result in us being sued, but for the fee needed for photocopying, you can have your very own copy of the C.O.D. But, before this can happen, we need illustrations. Rebecca, the other half of TLLL, is working very hard on chapter openings, and a companion yearbook, but we need more.

So, if you send in your drawings, photos, sculptures, mosaics, etc etc, of Harry and the rest of the Hogwarts gang, we'll publish them! Artistic talent doesn't matter – if you've tried, then they're awesome.

And don't feel like you just have to limit yourselves to pictures. Remember when Ronnie wrote all those poems for Jarred? We don't know what they are, so if you write one, we'll assume it's correct.

The first few chapters of Harry Potter and the Return of the Literary Errors will, hopefully, be uploaded by next month. We'll be too busy dissecting the final (canon) book to do much else this month.

Thanks for your support, and don't forget to email us your suggestions and contributions. fantabahoobie hotmail . com (just delete the spaces) will get you a direct line to TLLL, so go ahead and use it.

Corn-ily yours,

TLLL

(1) May not be soon. Our editor is kinda slow. But also free, so we can't complain.


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